Week Sixteen 2014: Giants at Rams

I honestly though that the Giants were going to get their asses handed to them when they played the Rams. Instead, the G-Men put up thirty seven points on the Rams defense, who have never given up that amount of points so far this season, and only gave up twelve point in the three games prior to their meeting against the Giants. This game was meaningless as getting Stevie Wonder a big screen 3D T.V. for Christmas. But it didn't stop the teams from fighting like the Jets and the Sharks (the gangs, not the hockey teams).

The Rams have a reputation of playing dirty in this league. They have the most amount of penalty yards, but the fourth most number of penalties committed. That means a good amount of their penalties are of the personal foul, fifteen yard variety. And the Rams made it very clear that they were targeting Odell Beckham Jr. for termination. So the Giants knowing all of this arrived in St. Louis ready to fight. Needless to say, the game started off as an absolute sh*t show. Big Blue started off the game like Team USA in first period of the Junior Goodwill Games Championship against Iceland. With DeOssie hitting a guy out of bounds, Josh Brown kicking someone in the face, and not to mention the brawl that broke out because of the ODB/Alec Ogletree altercation, all it needed was Eli lassoing a Rams defender for trying to take a cheap shot at Beckham.

Josh Brown's mule kick was only one incident in a game full of incidents.

It was a good win for the Giants. Yeah, the win doesn't miraculously get them into the playoffs, but they fought hard for each other. I mean literally fought. After the game when players were asked about the fight, they'd use words like "family" and "we have each others backs". That's something that you want to see out of a football team. If nothing else, the team hasn't given up and is still fighting.

C'mon Odell, let's get outta here. Don't listen to what those bad men are saying.

 Eli had an incredible game. Probably one of his best games in a long time, if not ever. He completed almost eighty percent of his passes for almost four hundred yards, and threw three touchdowns. He also only got sacked once. He was on point the entire game.

Andre Williams rushed for one hundred and ten yards against a tough run defense. He is really starting to show signs of being a very reliable running back. Orleans Darkwa also came onto the running scene with his first career touchdown.

The receivers were on fire this game. What else can I say about Odell Beckham Jr.? When the game started, he was very... let's say excitable. He didn't exactly do a good job of easing the tension between the two teams. But after halftime, he settled down and continued to make his case for offensive rookie of the year. All of the great plays he made against the Rams, the most impressive was his ability to evade the dirty torpedo hit attempted by T.J. McDonald, which resulted in cornerback E.J. Gaines getting a concussion. It was almost like he teleported around the mid-air McDonald.

I never want to see a player get hurt. But I have to admit that I felt no sympathy when this happened. This is what happens when your team is chock full of guys who take cheap shots. McDonald should have been fined.

Even Rueben Randle had a big game. I guess not pissing off Coach Coughlin by showing up late to meetings paid off.

The offensive line was able to keep the Rams pass rush in check. Granted they had like thirty holding penalties, but they still only have up one sack.

The defense played fine against the Rams. Despite a good rush from the defensive line, Shaun Hill threw for almost three hundred, and got two touchdowns. Some players like Kerry Wynn stepped up in a big way during this game. JPP also added another sack to his season's total. I'm not sure if he's coming around, or if it's just the teams he's been playing lately. I think it's the latter.

The game meant nothing, but the Giants played like the season was on the line. It was refreshing to see.

Buy This Guy a Beer: Undrafted free agent, Kerry Wynn, had a huge impact on the Giants' defense. He had a sack, an interception, and a fumble recovery. That's like getting defensive lineman Bingo.

Could this be the next unexpected star of the Giants?

On To The Next One: The Giants play the Eagles this week. The game means absolutely nothing to either team. But it is the Giants and the Eagles we're talking about here. They get along worse than the Ghostbusters and the EPA's Walter Peck. Looks like this will be another meaningless game that will be played like the NFC Championship game. It would be very nice for the Giants to get some revenge after their terrible game against the Eagles a few months back.

"Yes it's true, this man has no d*ck."

So what have I learned?
  

DANG! That bite hurt!

This new offense has given Eli the radioactive spider bite that his career needs. Obviously he isn't at the Rodgers, Brady, or Peyton level, I'm not delusional. But this season Eli hasn't only been sharp, but he's been way more consistent. And let's face it, if anyone on the Giants is Spider-Man, it's Odell. 

I know Beckham can do it all. But let's not have him stand behind center while Eli lines up at wide out.

The Rams are a bunch of dirt bags. What do you expect from the defensive coordinator who encouraged his players to injure opponents?

Giants are showing a great deal of heart and determination. They definitely aren't mailing it in. That might hurt come April, but right now it's good to see them not quit. 

Week Fifteen 2014: Giants vs Reskins

The Giants got their fifth win of the season last Sunday against the Redskins. It's not saying much against the woeful Redskins, but this win is important. This win might be the reason why Coach Coughlin won't get a pink slip in his stocking on Christmas morning. But, other than that, the game didn't mean much.

Eli had a good game. Three touchdowns (all to Odell Beckham Jr.), and no turnovers, which is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.

The running game was nothing short of disappointing. Like expecting to get toys your grandparents when you're a kid, and getting nothing but socks, and sweaters.

Obviously, Odell Beckham Jr. shined as bright as Rudolph's red nose. The rest of the receivers had the same effect as Ben Affleck's holiday smash hit colossal failure, Surviving Christmas! Now to be fair I've never seen it, but I feel confident that it's a steaming pile of reindeer polp.

This belongs on the Mount Rushmore of awful Affleck movies. It's right up there with Gigli, and Daredevil.

The line protected Eli well. They only gave up one sack. They just couldn't create running lanes for the running game.

Defense played well throughout the game. For a small period of time, I was worried that this game was going to spark the "Is RG3 back?!" conversation amongst the great pontificators in the media. However, the play that made me think he was back (that touchdown run at the end of the first half) was ruled to be not a touchdown, it was all downhill for the Redskins. RG3 took a beating from the Giants' defense. With every ensuing possession, Griffin looked more and more like Tiny Tim if his crutch kept of getting kicked out from underneath him.


Buy This Guy A Beer: The only reason that RG3's touchdown was overturned, and the Giants got back all the momentum was Jason Pierre-Paul. He ran as fast as the Polar Express to the quarterback when he was running towards the endzone, and right before Griffin crossed the plane, JPP hit his arm and knocked the ball loose. The ball was never officially recovered, and it was ruled to not be a touchdown. Which then lead to Santana Moss saying things to the officials that got him tossed from the game, and more importantly, landed him on the naughty list.

Hope you like coal, Santana.

Onto The Next One: The Giants travel west to St. Louis to face a Rams' defense as stingy as Ebenezer Scrooge. The Rams disguise their pass rushes really well. They do it even better then the Eagles. I know you remember what happened there. Hopefully the offensive line, which is softer than Santa's beard, is up to the task. If not, Eli is gonna get beaten up like Scut Farkus (I double checked. It's Scut not Scott).

Let's face it, Eli definitely has that coon skin hat at home. There's no way he doesn't.

I really don't think the Giants are up to the task here. Schwarzenegger had a better chance of finding a Turbo Man doll, than the Giants have of leaving St. Louis with a win. 

So What Have I Learned?

There's always one player on the Redskins' secondary that isn't good enough to hang with good receivers and has to commit penalties when they get beat. On this team it's Bashaud Breeland. 

Rueben Randle will not be a Giant next year.

Thank God there's a team in the NFC East that the Giants can beat.

Week Fourteen 2014: Giants at Titans

The Giants FINALLY got a win! It took a long time, but the G-Men put an end to their abysmal losing streak.

It was a dominant performance. The pass rush was all over the quarterback, Eli had a bunch of time to throw, and the Giants looked like a force to be reckoned with.

But hold, on Jesse Spano, don't get so excited, yet. Yes, this win was impressive. But no, it's not a win that was all that impressive either.

Don't get excited, Giants' fans, but don't get scared either, it's only football

The offensive line protected Eli very well. He had a ton of time to throw on most pass attempts, and he wasn't sacked once. The running backs had holes to run through. It was nice to watch a game without seeing Eli running (or shuffling) for life, or getting his ass kicked.

Eli had a pretty good game for the most part. He didn't hit three hundred yards, he only threw one touchdown, and he threw what was probably one of his worst pick sixes ever. EVER. He had a wide open lane to run for a first down, but instead he threw the ball directly to Titans' safety Marqueston Huff. I know Eli on his feet isn't exactly as graceful as A.C. Slater dancing, but throwing that ball was a worse decision then drunk driving in Lisa's mom's car.

C'mon, preppy, don't throw the ball RIGHT to the guy!

Andre Williams lead the rushing attack against the Titans. He ran for one hundred and thirty-one yards, that included a fifty yard touchdown run. He also caught three balls for sixteen yards. That's still an aspect of his game that needs work. Especially if Eli is under more pressure than Jesse is to get into Stansbury.

As usual, the receivers made plays, but also made mistakes. Of course, Odell Beckham Jr. made incredible plays and continues to be the bright spot in the Giants' future.

This duck is dead. Just like the Giants' season.

The Titans' offensive line seemed to have more injuries than the Giants' offensive line. Which means, they were pulling kids off the Bayside Chess Team to fill in on the line. The defense racked up five sacks during this game. This included two from Jason Pierre-Paul. Turns out that all he needs to be successful is to square up against a couple of nerds. From the start of the game, the d-line was all over the Titans' quarterbacks like oil on Becky the duck. Unfortunately, they don't line up against terrible offensive lines all the time.

The Giants' secondary played well. DRC even had a pick six. Well, it would've been a pick six if Damontre Moore didn't blindside Zach Mettenberger during the return. The negation of the touchdown really made DRC and Antrel Rolle look like morons for their demonstrative photo shoot celebration. I understand that the pick six was a huge play for the team, and after you lose for two straight months your emotions get the better of you. But do you need to act like your posing for the Bayside fashion shoot?

Kelly Kapowski, you can start a modeling career in France! As long as your sociopath of a boyfriend doesn't ruin it for you. 

In short, the Giants played a great game against a terrible team. I think it's foolish to think this team is any better then they were during their free fall. But don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that the Giants won, and it was great to see the Giants' laughing and smiling on the sidelines

Buy This Guy A Beer: It's been such a long time without a win, I forgot that this segment existed. I guess I'd give the beer to Coach Tom Coughlin. I don't know what his future holds come February. He could remain the coach of the Giants, he could retire, or he could get fired. Either way, after coaching a team that stunk for over sixty straight days, and with his future looming over him like a dark cloud, he deserves a cold one.

What's more offensive: The Redskins' name or Running Zack?

On to the Next One: The Giants are back in Jersey to square off against the Redskins. Now, this match-up isn't exactly the Bayside vs Valley battle we all want to see, but it's two teams in the same division, and they both want a win. It's going to come down who wants it more, and I think the Giants' players want to win more for Coughlin than the Redskins' want to win for Jay Gruden. Basically, I'm saying that Screech has a better chance of scoring with Lisa than the 'Skins do to win this game. But, you know I've been wrong before.

So What Have I Learned?

Andre Williams has the potential of breaking off huge runs. That's exactly what I want to see from a future starting running back. Especially since everyone thought of him just as a battering ram. 

Odell Beckham can do anything. There's footage of him spinning a ball upright on the turf and then kicking the spinning ball through the uprights for a thirty-five yards. This week, ODB threw the ball on a reverse pass. He launched a spiral as tight as Mr. Belding's bond with the Bayside student body sixty-five yards to a double covered Rueben Randle. It was an incomplete pass, but it was still something to be encouraged about.

Damontre Moore could be a dominant force in the NFL. He just has to grow up and learn how to play professional football. Maybe he should take caffeine pills so he can study the playbook and watch game film all night? 

The Giants aren't the worst team in the league.

Week Thirteen 2014: Giants at Jaguars

Giants suck. They suck so much that I wanted to just put that first sentence down as my entire post this week. But I thought about it, and I decided that I ain't goin' out like that. Instead I'm gonna let my friends from Seinfeld tell my story... (cue bass slappin')

I had all the confidence in the world that the Giants would win this game.

Could you blame me? The Jags stink and the Giants were long overdue for a win.

When the game started, I wasn't disappointed. The Giants came ready to play.

As the game went on, I got more and more happy with the Giants playing. 

Even when the Jags even scored a field goal in the second quarter, I wasn't worried at all.

Towards the end of the first half, my confidence level was dangerously close to smug.

When halftime arrived, I was excited that Big Blue was gonna get their fourth win.

At the start of the second half, I was just as confident as ever.

Even when Eli fumbled the ball and the Jags recovered it for a touchdown, it didn't bother me.

After a missed field goal by Josh Brown, Blake Bortles hit Marqise Lee for a thirty yard score, and it dawned on me that this game is far from over.

Then, Larry Donnell fumbled the ball, and that was returned by the Jags for a touchdown. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

The G-Men started to put together a scoring drive, but it stalled and the Giants had to settle for a field goal to give themselves a two point lead.

That two point lead wasn't enough as Bortles made the Giants defense look foolish and drove his team into field goal range. With twenty three seconds left, the Jags took a one point lead.

With a half-minute left, the Giants had the ball. But their last drive played out like the rest of the second half. Eli was under a huge amount of pressure, and a fumble was forced. Jags recovered. Game over.

This game was the worst of the season. Yes, worse than the loss to the Eagles. The fact that this game was essentially meaningless and it still drove me nuts is a testament to how infuriating the Giants played.

I have no idea what's going to happen to this team in February. Honestly, I don't even know if I care about what happens after this awful season is over.

So What Have I Learned?

The Giants suck.  The only thing we have to look forward to as Giants fans is a high draft pick come spring time.

Week Twelve 2014: Giants vs Cowboys

The Giants are officially eliminated from playoff contention. And all I have to say about that is...it’s about time. Not to say I was all that optimistic in the first place, I’ve been saying for a while that they had no shot, but we’re better off as fans not believing the hype of running the table.

"Now you're all are in big, big trouble!"

This was the best game I’ve seen the Giants play since their win against Atlanta.  If that seems like a long time ago, it’s because it was. Their last win was before Columbus Day. And just like the ill-fated natives of North America, the Giants have been getting destroyed ever since.

The game was going well for Big Blue, but late in the game Eli missed high on Preston Parker, the ball was tipped up, and you guess it, the ball was picked off. This was Eli’s only turnover of the game, but it turned out to be a costly one, considering the Giants were never the same after that pick.

It was a close, competitive game, but the biggest factors in the G-Men’s loss were the offensive and defensive lines. This much is evident when you see Tony Romo, on his game-winning drive, have enough time in the pocket to binge watch the entire Breaking Bad series. Whereas Eli didn’t even have the time to bring up his Netflix queue. If Romo's pocket was a lazy river, then Eli's pocket was going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

But the big event of this game wasn’t the final score, well at least not for Giants’ fans. The best part of the game, the play that will last in memories much longer than the outcome, was the Odell Beckham Jr. catch. The Spider-Man, the tree frog, the Stretch Armstrong, the claw, the big glue, the Old Dirty Bastard, whatever you want to call it, you will probably have to call it one of the best, if not the best, ever. It was a catch that will forever be in the discussion for the best catch of all time.

Odell Beckham Jr. breaks the internet.

On to the next one.
Giants have a few soft games coming up on their schedule. This Sunday, they travel to Jacksonville to face the Jaguars. It’s a game they should win. It’s a game where if they don’t win, it’s really time to panic on where this team is heading in the future. Even though it doesn’t matter at this point, it would be real nice to see a win for Big Blue.

So What Have I Learned?

When the dust settles on this disappointing season, the Giants MUST address and offensive and defensive line, with the linebacker unit as a close third.

Giant fans react to Odell Beckham being a Giant for a long time.

It turns out that catch didn’t mean anything in terms of winning the playoffs, let alone winning the game. But it does mean something... the Giants have a superstar in the making in Odell Beckham Jr.. This rookie was looking to be a big disappointment by not playing in the preseason and in the first few weeks of the regular season. But his presence since then has more then made up for his lack of playing time. This kid is the real deal. 

 Jerry Reese was sitting on a seat that got warmer every year, but he struck oil like Daniel Plainview when he drafted Odell Beckham Jr. in the first round. ODB probably saved Reese from getting fired. 

Jerry Reese drinks your milkshake.

Week Eleven 2014: Giants vs 49ers

The New York Giants stink. There’s no other way around it. No amount of scented candles, hanging trees, or air freshener sprays can mask the stink of the Giants this year. Last week I compared their stench to week old garbage in a sauna, but now I think the stench can be compared to Jabba the Hutt’s breath.

There are some things that you can smell by using your eyes.

I accepted the fact that the Giants would lose to the 49ers. I made my peace with that the Wednesday before the game. But the fact that Big Blue had the game in their grasps and literally threw their chances away (thanks, Eli), makes this loss unbearable.

Even though he’s played much better this year, this loss falls squarely on the shoulders of Eli Manning. He threw a whopping five interceptions against San Francisco. FIVE! I know Eli is prone to making mistakes but this was a meltdown fit for a Salvador Dali painting. Usually when we see the Eli face, it’s preceded by a mistake made by Rueben Randle. But this wasn’t the case on all of his picks. If I could stomach watching those interceptions over again, I’d see how many of these picks were due to Randle not knowing where he is on this planet. 

"THROW A PICK AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHAF*CKA!"

Interceptions aside, he made some other mistakes. Specifically, I’m talking about when the Giants were facing a first and goal from the four yard line. Remember, this is the new set of downs after Beckham made that incredible catch along the sideline? Well, Big Blue ran four straight fade passes into the end zone without running the ball once. NOT ONCE! Offensive coordinator, Ben McAdoo, who has to ice his back after throwing a grown man under the bus, told reporters that he called for two run plays and Eli changed the plays to passes.

¡OLÉ!

I really didn’t think the offensive line could get any worse. But it turns out I was wrong, very wrong. We all know Justin Pugh isn’t having a good year. So when he got hurt and left the game I didn’t think much of absence. But then Charles Brown came in to replace him. He played less like a right tackle, and more like a matador. Needless to say, it was a bit of a problem during the course of the game.

Even Rashad Jennings, who probably isn’t back at full health yet, struggled this game. I know the 49ers play against the run very well, but it’s disheartening to see because the reemergence of Jennings was supposed to add a dimension to the offense and give the passing game some breathing room.

As always, the receiving corps (aside from Beckham) need help. Randle got banged up twice this game. Now, I’m not a big fan of this guy, but what the hell are the Giants going to do if he gets hurt and misses substantial time? Would we finally see Corey Washington in a full-time roll? I’m not rooting for an injury, I’d never do that, but if that’s what would happen I’d be compelled to throw a few banana peels in front of ol’ Ruebes and roll the dice.

The defense actually played well this game. They were the only reason why the Giants had a shot of winning that game. They gave up yards, but they only allowed one touchdown. That touchdown was a forty-eight yard play. It wasn’t a touchdown that capped off a ten play, ninety yard drive. It was encouraging to see the Giants play this way of defense. They were fired up and they played smart.

On to the next one:
I think it’s safe to say we’ve reached the point in the season where we need to start sifting through this garbage to find moral victories. Beating Dallas at home would be one of those moral victories.
The fact that the Giants defense has been playing considerably worse since their last meeting concerns me quite a bit.
Hopefully the offense can rebound after embarrassing themselves like a kid wetting himself at his first boy/girl party. Geoff Schwartz coming back from injury to replace Justin Pugh can hopefully plug one of the many holes in this sinking lifeboat.

So What Have I Learned?

Ben McAdoo still has to get used to the New York media, which has slightly more teeth than the Wisconsin media. The Green Bay reporters have the teeth equivalent to a goldfish;  New Yorkers have teeth like a great white shark. I understand McAdoo was being honest, but throwing the blame on someone else isn’t how you handle the media. All of the times receivers ran the wrong routes, or dropped balls that resulted in turnovers, Eli never blamed the receivers.

Snitches get stitches, Ben.

Antrel Rolle thinks that Big Blue can run the table and finish the season with nine wins and a have a chance to make the playoffs. In related news, you can see Rolle at the local 7-11 buying a crap-ton of scratch off lottery tickets.

Maybe I should’ve cut Andre Williams some slack on his lack of production the past couple of weeks. It’s hard to say if his struggles were because of his ability, his inexperience, or the line blocking for him.

Oh, and the Giants stink. But, I think you already knew that.

Week Ten 2014: Giants at Seahawks

The Giants had a chance to win this game. They really did. But then one mistake happened and the wheels fell off faster than Andre the Giant sitting on a little kid's tricycle. And it looks like the Giants season is going to suffer the same crushing fate.

After breaking several kid's bikes, Andre the Giant had to resort to ATVs to get around.

Despite the rushing attack of Wilson and Lynch, the Giants were actually ahead at halftime. Then with less than a minute left in the third quarter, with the game tied at seventeen, Eli launches the ball downfield to Odell Beckham Jr.. The under thrown ball was tipped up by Beckham, and then picked off by Earl Thomas.

See? Even their mascot is sick of the 12th man's act.

After that, the Seahawks got all of the momentum, the overcompensating Seattle crowd got back into the game (even after fans nearly getting mauled by a seahawk), and it was all over for the Giants. They just didn’t know it yet. The ‘Hawks just ran the ball down Big Blue’s throat. The Giants even forced two fumbles in one possession, but they couldn’t recover the loose ball, either time.

I could get into a position by position breakdown of the game, but really, who cares? Alright, for the sake of having this post be somewhat substantial, I’ll do the abbreviated version.

Eli Manning didn’t play bad. He had that one bad throw, but he completed sixty-five percent of his catches, and threw a touchdown pass.

Odell Beckham played great. He wasn’t the least bit intimidated by lining up against one of the top defensive backs in the game. Even though he’s only started in a handful of games so far, he’s by far outplaying the other jamokes in the receiving core.

Andre Williams showed flashes of being a good running back, but he’s still isn’t there yet.

The defense stinks. Like week old garbage from a daycare center in a sauna. I really don’t see the point of breaking down the X’s and O’s. I know that JPP and Antrel Rolle were talking about the Giants’ lack of heart, but I think there’s more to be said about a lack of talent. But if I were to talk about X’s and O’s it would be of the hugs and kisses variety because it looks like defensive back Zack Bowman was deathly afraid to tackle Lynch. I mean three hundred and fifty rushing yards given up? Gross.

All in all, this was a good game turned awful. And like I said last week, they aren’t officially out of the playoff hunt yet, but let’s not kid ourselves. The G-Men have no shot of making it. Adam Sandler has a better shot of winning an Oscar than the Giants do of making a playoff run.

On to the next one:
The 49ers are traveling east to New Jersey to battle the Giants. This is their second cross country trip in two weeks. I fear that it’s the only hope the Giants have to win this game. Hopefully Captain Khakis, and his team will be so jet lagged that they forget what a football is. As you can tell, I’m chock full of hope for the Giants to snag a win this Sunday.

Things get real weird at Walmart when they out of khakis in his size.

So what have I learned?

Odell Beckham Jr. is the solitary onion ring in an order of bland french fries. If you don’t understand that, then I mourn for your childhood. He’s the real deal. Even Richard Sherman was impressed by this youngster. It looks like Jerry Reese made a great call by drafting Beckham, and I'm excited to see how he develops in the future.

After exchanging jerseys with both Dez and Sherman, you can tell ODB is already amassing respect from top tier players.

Remember when Jerry Reese said he wanted Eli to be “more aggressive”? Well good things rarely happen when Eli gets aggressive, as you can see with his interception. This is why you see so many third and long screens and run plays.

Rashad Jennings should be relieving Williams of his starting running back duties this coming Sunday. He’ll also be relieving the Giants offense of being one-dimensional.

The defense is banged up more than Daniel LaRusso when he first moved to Reseda, CA. The lack of the Fresh Prince and Jon Beason really took a toll on the rest of the defense. Now Jacquian Williams is suffering from a concussion, so that’s great.

Meet Johnny Lawrence. He'll show you no mercy, but he'll also show you a good time.

Week Nine 2014: Giants vs Colts

The Colts completely destroyed Big Blue on Monday night. All in front of former Giants’ greats like Michael Strahan, Frank Gifford, Harry Carson, and Lawrence Taylor, no less. It was an embarrassment of a game, and it puts the Giants in a situation stickier than the floor of a rundown movie theater.

Ironically, on Strahan's night, the Giants were the ones to get... STOMPED OUT!

Eli didn’t play his best ball against the Colts. He was off target and didn’t seem very comfortable throughout the game. He still managed to get over three hundred and fifty yards and two touchdowns, but most of that game from garbage time in the fourth quarter.

Calm down Parker. Secure the ball, then look for the hit.

To be fair to Eli, the receivers didn’t do much to help him out. Randle still can’t get on the same page as Eli, even in this simpler system. Plus, he had a drop in a huge third down play. Preston Parker, who is as skittish as a deer that’s tweaking out on meth, had a bad case of the dropsies. Every time a defender was bearing down on him when a pass was coming his way, he’d treat the ball like it was a hot potato. Despite the two knuckleheads, Odell Beckham had a good game and continued to build his case on being the next big thing in New York.

The running game struggled again on Monday. Besides a few plays, Andre Williams wasn’t able to get the job done. It’s tough for the offense to get going when you lose a yard or two with the first play of every drive due to a failed rushing attempt. It picked up a bit when Peyton Hillis took over the majority of the workload. It feels weird saying that, but it’s true. 

The offensive line is still busted up. And it only made matters worse that Weston Richburg got hurt. Luckily, it doesn’t seems that serious.

We all figured that the defense wouldn’t be able to handle Luck’s offense, but they actually played well... for the first half. But in the third quarter, the bearded warrior and his team put up twenty one points and the game was all over after that.

The Giants playoff chances are very close to going the way of the dinosaurs. With every loss, the metaphoric giant asteroid that will ultimately destroy their season gains more velocity and there’s nothing that the Giants, Bruce Willis, or Ben Affleck can do about it.

Michael Bay Lesson: Walking in slow motion makes everything seem more important.

On to the Next One:
The Giants have to play the Seahawks in Seattle. I know that the Seahawks aren’t the team they were last year. Winning the Super Bowl can really make a team complacent. Well, that and the stricter defensive holding penalties that were put in place because of the way Seattle played last year. They are still a tough team nonetheless.
I don’t have a good feeling about the game, even though the ‘Hawks have been slumping a bit lately. I have a feeling that Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson are going to go so psycho on the Giants that they’ll make Dandy Mott, from American Horror Story, look like Mickey Mouse.

Dandy wants to be the U.S. Steel of murder. The G-Men are the U.S. Steel of bad football.

So what have I learned?

I wish the Giants were more like a Michael Bay film. By that I mean it would be great if they can put out a piece of crap product for everyone to see and somehow be incredibly successful.

It doesn’t matter how easy the offensive system is, Rueben Randle still has as much football I.Q. as a pile of bricks. Coincidentally, that's what the receivers' hands are made of most of the time.

With DRC banged up and the Fresh Prince out for the year, the already hurting defense is basically dead.

Despite how bad the Giants are still playing, they have a chance of making the playoffs. But the chances are so slim it’s not even worth talking about. Even with the Eagles starting Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo having a back like Batman after fighting Bane, you can write in pen that the Giants won’t make the playoffs.

Week Seven 2014: Giants at Cowboys/Bye Week

I knew the Giants wouldn’t play as terribly against the Cowboys as they did with the Eagles. However, even though they played better, it wasn’t enough to get the win in Dallas. Let’s face it, the Giants could’ve played light years better in Dallas than they did in Philly and it still would’ve been the cinema equivalent to The Room. Here is a clip below. And no, this didn't win any Oscars.

There really isn’t much to take away from this game. The Giants were playing a better team who were red-hot that particular week, but Big Blue didn’t do themselves any favors by making a whole bunch of mistakes. Even with all of the mistakes that would have Coughlin gnawing off his own arms out of rage, the Giants still had a shot to win the game. It makes you wonder how that game would’ve unfolded if they played smarter. Despite the mental errors, you have to stop Dez Bryant and DeMarco Murray, and the Giants couldn’t do that either. Long story short, the Giants were out-classed by a superior team.

After their tough loss, I needed to re-assess how I feel about the Giants for the rest of this season. So after some soul searching fit for a Nicholas Sparks book, I came to the conclusion that the Giants aren’t quite there yet.
After this loss to the Cowboys, the Giants have a rough road ahead if they have any chance of making the playoffs. That’s not entirely doing it justice. You’d have a better chance explaining to Superman how badly it hurts stepping on a Lego while barefoot than the Giants have at making the playoffs. As a Giants’ fan, you have to face the facts that the Giants probably aren’t good enough yet.
Realistically, their best shot of making it to the playoffs is by winning the NFC East. Playoff caliber teams are scattered around the NFC like Jose Canseco’s middle finger, so the idea of the G-Men grabbing a wild card is an even bigger stretch then winning the division.

I know Plax shot himself too, but if there was anyone less qualified to own a gun, it's Canseco.

Now even though it’s a stretch that puts the Incredible Hulk’s pants to shame, the division can be won. The Giants are going to need some help from the rest of the league. For the remainder of the season, the rest of the NFC East needs to get pounded on to level the playing field. But even if the Giants get that help, they still gotta take care of their own games. Even though they lost to both the Eagles and the Cowboys, there is still a silver lining... at least they were both away games. This leaves Big Blue to balance out these losses at Metlife Stadium, which is possible.

On to the Next One:
Aside from the big divisional games, the Giants are entering a really rough three game stretch. A gauntlet of tough teams. But for the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the first one. The first game is this coming Monday Night against the Colts.
The bearded one, Andrew Luck, is the leader of a prolific offense that can put up an obscene amount of points. The pressure is on the defense to put pressure on Ol’ Beardy and put a lid on the passing game.

"Tell Ezekiel that I'll help raise the barn after the game!"

The Giants are most likely going to struggle with containing the run, especially now that Jon Beason is out for the season. And we all know that Bradshaw is going to be an absolute monster against his former team.
On offense, Eli and his band of misfits need to keep up with the Colts' offense if they have any chance of winning. The offensive line needs to protect Eli and limit their mistakes. Eli’s been much improved this season, but with the amount of points they need to score, I hope he doesn’t revert back to his old, world’s most polite gunslinger self, while trying to keep up.
The receivers need to be there for Eli. They have to run the right routes, make the catches, and not turn the ball over. I’m talking to you, Larry Donnell.
The offensive line has to play smarter. They need to limit their mistakes, and their penalties. That could prove to be the difference in the game.
It’s already confirmed that Rashad Jennings isn’t playing, so it looks like Andre Williams and Peyton Hillis will handle the rushing duties on Monday night.

Either way, this game should be an exciting one. But, prime-time Giants always make me a bit nervous. Hopefully, they can come back well rested and ready to put their hat in the ring for the fight of the NFC East.

So what have I learned?

The Giants really need Rashad Jennings back. The absence of a solid running game is hurting the entire team. In the meantime, I hope that Andre Williams can prove himself to be a reliable starting running back.

The loss of Jon Beason probably won’t hurt as badly as I think. I mean, yes, he’s a great player when he’s healthy. But the problem is that he’s basically made up of porcelain and cold cuts, so the Giants may have grown accustomed to not playing with him.

Jameel McClain isn’t the mike. No matter what Tony Romo says.

"NO, I'M NOT THE MIKE! I'M JAMEEL!"

Week Six 2014: Giants at Eagles

Well, that was awful. Is awful the right term? Horrible? Embarrassing? Pathetic? How about disgusting, does that work? Good. This game was the kind of disgusting that makes rolling around the Penn Station bathroom floor at three a.m. seem like laying out on a Maui beach.

It doesn't seem that disgusting now. But let's just say by three a.m. it gets a bit... soggy.

From the very beginning, the Eagles had the Giants’ number. Big Blue found themselves in more hot water than a Real World cast member who discovered the hot tub in their house.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen the Eli face, but we saw plenty of that goofy mug this past Sunday night. He completed just over half of his passes for only one hundred and fifty-one yards, and obviously no touchdowns. It’s hard to blame him for his lackluster play, though. Manning was constantly under pressure from the Eagles’ pass attack. Just like someone farting in the shower and being engulfed in stink, Eli was engulfed with black jerseys. It was as equally inescapable as it was unsettling.

The main reason why Eli was running for his life was because of the awful offensive line play. The defense cut through the offensive line like The Bride’s katana cut through all of the Crazy 88s. Besides the first game against the Lions, the o-line has been on point. But they completely unraveled against Philly.

Part of this game should of been in black and white to make it less graphic.

The lack of Rashad Jennings had much more of an effect then I thought it would. While Andre Williams can make some plays, as we saw him completely truck stick Eagles’ defensive back Malcolm Jenkins, but I think he’s too green for a starting role. He’s definitely not on the same level as Jennings, and it shows as the Giants were one dimensional on offense. The Giants being down early also caused the offense to abandon the run as well.

wait for it.. BOOM!

The receivers obviously didn’t do much because Eli didn’t do much. You can’t have one without the other. The big story with the receiving corps was the devastating injury to Victor Cruz. While going for it on fourth down, Eli throws a ball to Cruz in the end zone. As Cruz jumps and tries to secure the catch he grabs for his right knee. When he lands without the ball, he just lays there clutching his knee and screaming in pain. Players on both teams were taking a knee in support of Cruz. Even the usually vicious Philadelphia fans were relatively quiet while Cruz was getting looked at on the field. This injury stole any chance of winning from the Giants just like that drunk girl stole the prosthetic leg from Sonny Forriest Jr. at the Eagles game.

Stay classy, Philadelphia.

On the defensive side of the ball, they held it together as well as they could. The offense couldn’t piece together any long drives, so the defense was always on the field. They picked off Foles twice, one of those picks almost went the distance. But McCoy and Sproles ran all over the Giants. Of course, McCoy sucks for five weeks, then when he’s up against the Giants, the offensive line clicks and he suddenly gets his groove back.

I was actually surprised that the special teams didn’t give up any big plays. Yes, they let Sproles have a big punt return, but he didn’t take any to the house. So there’s that.

Basically, this was a game where nothing went right for the Giants. This game was full of questionable referee calls, devastating injuries, and overall poor execution. But besides that, everything went well...

On to the Next One:
This coming Sunday, the Giants will face off against the Cowboys in Dallas. As a Giants fan, this is probably the last team you want to face. The Giants are coming off of an absolute beatdown, and the Cowboys just solidified themselves as one of the best teams in football after beating the Seahawks in Seattle (Don’t get me wrong I hate the Seattle fans and I’m glad they lost at home. But did it really have to be to the Cowboys?)

This is going to be a knock-down, drag-out brawl. I’m saying it’s going to be a brawl, because it needs to be a brawl. The G-Men need to come out swinging and prove to the world that last week's game was the fluke, not the previous three.
First of all, lets see if the offensive line can protect Eli Manning. If Manning only gets two seconds to throw the ball, they’ll be in trouble again. Andre Williams and Peyton Hillis need to step up and give Dallas a reason to worry about the run. The receivers, especially Odell Beckham Jr., need to fill the void that’s left with the absence of Victor Cruz. That’s easier said then done considering that the Cowboys defense is stingy against receivers. This leaves room for Larry Donnell to make some plays. You might see a lot of balls thrown his way on Sunday.

Jerry finally opened up his eyes and put together a good team.

On the defensive side of the ball, the key is to contain DeMarco Murray. Ever since Dallas opened their eyes and decided to utilize a game plan revolving around a great running back, the Cowboys offense looks very good. The Giants haven’t been great against running backs this year, so they have their work cut out for them. Also, since Jerry Jones drafted smart and got Zack Martin instead of Manziel, Tony Romo has been very well protected.
And on some plays when the rushing attack breaks through, he became harder to wrap up then a greased pig on cocaine. The Giants have to take him out of rhythm early and make sure he doesn’t get back into that rhythm. The loss of McBride and potentially DRC is gonna put a lot of pressure on the secondary, so the front four needs to change the direction of the game in their favor.

This game is winnable for the Giants. Obviously, it won’t be easy. They gotta play smart, and play tough. The Cowboys are coming off of a game that was both physically and emotionally draining, but they are still one of the best teams in football right now. But maybe, just maybe, the Giants can steal a victory here as if it were cologne and underwear.

So what have I learned?

Maybe, and I hate to say this, the G-Men needed to get their asses kicked. With a three game winning streak, some of the Giants started to run their mouths a bit. Maybe they took those three wins for granted. It was the game that the Giants deserve, but not the game it needs right now.

The Cowboys could have been this good for a while if they were smarter with their drafting and offensive schemes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that Jerry was running his team like a kid playing with G.I. Joes in the bathtub, but now it seems that he turned it around.

If there was ever a time for ODB to make up for his lost time, it’s right now. He’s gonna have a ton of opportunities, and he’s talented enough to make the best of them.

Now that McBride is out, Jayron Hosley is stepping in as a corner. This concerns me quite a bit considering that he’d have trouble defending a sleeping bulldog. He claims he’s in a better state mentally, let’s hope so.

Even in the Giants’ Super Bowl seasons, they lost a game or two in horrible fashion, but in those Super Bowl seasons they responded well to those losses and became a team to be reckoned with. Every team faces adversity during a season. Only the truly great teams learn from that adversity, overcome it, and come back even stronger. It’s time to find out if the Giants are truly great this year.