Week Nine 2014: Giants vs Colts

The Colts completely destroyed Big Blue on Monday night. All in front of former Giants’ greats like Michael Strahan, Frank Gifford, Harry Carson, and Lawrence Taylor, no less. It was an embarrassment of a game, and it puts the Giants in a situation stickier than the floor of a rundown movie theater.

Ironically, on Strahan's night, the Giants were the ones to get... STOMPED OUT!

Eli didn’t play his best ball against the Colts. He was off target and didn’t seem very comfortable throughout the game. He still managed to get over three hundred and fifty yards and two touchdowns, but most of that game from garbage time in the fourth quarter.

Calm down Parker. Secure the ball, then look for the hit.

To be fair to Eli, the receivers didn’t do much to help him out. Randle still can’t get on the same page as Eli, even in this simpler system. Plus, he had a drop in a huge third down play. Preston Parker, who is as skittish as a deer that’s tweaking out on meth, had a bad case of the dropsies. Every time a defender was bearing down on him when a pass was coming his way, he’d treat the ball like it was a hot potato. Despite the two knuckleheads, Odell Beckham had a good game and continued to build his case on being the next big thing in New York.

The running game struggled again on Monday. Besides a few plays, Andre Williams wasn’t able to get the job done. It’s tough for the offense to get going when you lose a yard or two with the first play of every drive due to a failed rushing attempt. It picked up a bit when Peyton Hillis took over the majority of the workload. It feels weird saying that, but it’s true. 

The offensive line is still busted up. And it only made matters worse that Weston Richburg got hurt. Luckily, it doesn’t seems that serious.

We all figured that the defense wouldn’t be able to handle Luck’s offense, but they actually played well... for the first half. But in the third quarter, the bearded warrior and his team put up twenty one points and the game was all over after that.

The Giants playoff chances are very close to going the way of the dinosaurs. With every loss, the metaphoric giant asteroid that will ultimately destroy their season gains more velocity and there’s nothing that the Giants, Bruce Willis, or Ben Affleck can do about it.

Michael Bay Lesson: Walking in slow motion makes everything seem more important.

On to the Next One:
The Giants have to play the Seahawks in Seattle. I know that the Seahawks aren’t the team they were last year. Winning the Super Bowl can really make a team complacent. Well, that and the stricter defensive holding penalties that were put in place because of the way Seattle played last year. They are still a tough team nonetheless.
I don’t have a good feeling about the game, even though the ‘Hawks have been slumping a bit lately. I have a feeling that Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson are going to go so psycho on the Giants that they’ll make Dandy Mott, from American Horror Story, look like Mickey Mouse.

Dandy wants to be the U.S. Steel of murder. The G-Men are the U.S. Steel of bad football.

So what have I learned?

I wish the Giants were more like a Michael Bay film. By that I mean it would be great if they can put out a piece of crap product for everyone to see and somehow be incredibly successful.

It doesn’t matter how easy the offensive system is, Rueben Randle still has as much football I.Q. as a pile of bricks. Coincidentally, that's what the receivers' hands are made of most of the time.

With DRC banged up and the Fresh Prince out for the year, the already hurting defense is basically dead.

Despite how bad the Giants are still playing, they have a chance of making the playoffs. But the chances are so slim it’s not even worth talking about. Even with the Eagles starting Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo having a back like Batman after fighting Bane, you can write in pen that the Giants won’t make the playoffs.