Thursday, December 27, 2012

Week 16: Giants at Ravens

Well, Christmas has come and gone. Santa dropped off presents to all of the kids around the world, and the Giants have collectively dropped a deuce in the stocking of every Giant fan across the globe.
The entire Giants' team is on the naughty list.

Let's get this recap over with. I'll try to keep it brief.

First Quarter:
The Giants received the ball to start the game. They ended up punting without getting a first down.
This is the Human Torch, in case you didn't know.
The Ravens followed that with a long drive, topped off with a short Joe Flacco touchdown pass to Torrey Smith.
In response to that scoring drive, the Giants punted again without gaining a first down.
Then the Human Torch, Corey Webster, gave up another big pass play. Flacco had a one yard run for another touchdown.
The Giants finally got something going after giving up their second touchdown. There was a very nice pitch and catch from Eli to Rueben Randle. The drive culminated in a David Wilson touchdown run and a Turbo Time flip.
Score: Giants 7-Ravens 14

Second/Third Quarter:
The Giants didn't do much offensively during these two quarters. It was nothing but quarterback pressure and punts.
The Ravens, on the other hand, dropped thirteen more points on the defending Super Bowl champs.
Score: Giants 7-Ravens 27

Fourth Quarter:
Baltimore started off the final quarter with the ball. They kicked a field goal to end the drive.
After the Giants went three and out and punted the ball back to the Ravens, Baltimore scored another field goal.
The Giants finally got another touchdown after a long eleven play drive. It was a short pass from Manning to Hixon.
The Ravens then ran out the clock to seal the win for them, and a loss for the G Men.
Final Score Giants 14-Ravens 33

Joe Flacco, who looks like a meat-headed Cillian Murphy, looked like Joe Montana against the Giants.

Cillian Murphy
Joe Flacco
The Giants' defense used a 4-4 defense in order to stop the run. It proved to be as useless as a defensive driving class for Lindsay Lohan since they gave up two one hundred yard rushers on Sunday.

The Giants' offense wasn't any better. Eli was under pressure the entire game. And because the Giants were down so much so early, the running game had to be abandoned like a misfit toy.

Overall, the last couple of weeks, the Giants have been more disappointing than unwrapping socks Christmas morning. They've given their fans nothing exciting, nothing to feel optimistic about.

So what have I learned?

The Giants are hungover. Like "waking up with horrible things drawn on your face" hungover.
What has gone wrong to cause this Super Bowl hangover? I have a few thoughts on why.
"I won a Super Bowl, then I blacked out. What happened?"
-One is that they are the Tinman of the NFL. They are lacking heart. Maybe they need Shane Falco, not Joe Flacco, to suit up to inspire this team.
-Their starting running back is always a game-time decision. It's hard to have a solid game plan if you never know for sure who will be running the ball.
-It also creates a tough situation for Eli, who has to essentially put every game on his shoulders. Normally this wouldn't be an issue but he's taken a step back this year.
-It doesn't help Eli and the running game that the Giants offense line is getting older.
-The secondary and linebacking core is thinner than wrapping paper.
-Usually JPP, Tuck and Osi are disruptive enough to give the secondary some relief, but this year they are only ghosts of what they were in the past.
-Maybe they just believed their own hype of being world champs.
-Maybe they took the whole "backed into a corner" thing for granted.
 The Giants of the past few years took advantage when they controlled their own destiny. Since they couldn't take care of business, they need a lot of help.

It was a nice Christmas present from the Cowboys to lose and give us last chance, even if that chance is as slim as Clark Griswold getting a normal sized Christmas tree.
It's not big, it's just... full.
 It will take more than a Christmas present for the Giants to make it to the playoffs. It will take a Christmas miracle. 


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Week 15: Giants at Falcons

I'll try to keep this brief:

What an awful game! A week removed from dominating the Saints, in the thick of a playoff push, and with only a one game lead over the Redskins and Cowboys, this was a much needed win for the Giants. Apparently, they didn't cover that in their team meetings.

I have to be honest with you, I gave up on watching this game. I had better things to do, like testing the durability of athletic cups against falling bricks and Louisville Sluggers. Okay, I didn't do that, but it was probably equally as painful. Here's my recap:
Still better than watching another failed fourth down conversion.
Blehh bleehh Eli interception.
Blahh blah Falcons' touchdown.
Blaaaahh Blah Noodle Leg misses a field goal.
Bleeehhhh Falcons' touchdown.
Giants fail to convert a fourth down because they don't trust Noodle Leg. BLAH BLAH
BLAAAHHHH BLAAAHHHH BLAAAHHH Falcons score again.
So on and so fourth until the clock, and the Giants' score,  hit all zeros.

"We gained a yard!" It's the moral victories.
Basically the Giants played like the Little Giants, but the first half Little Giants, the team before Ice Box dropped her pom poms and grabbed a helmet. And everyone wearing a Falcons' helmet seemed to be Spike. There was no "pitch it to Johnny," there was no intimidation with Alka Seltzer tabs, and there was no "Annexation of Puerto Rico." But most important, there were no points. None.

Eli started off with a bang when he threw one his famous "oopsie" throws;  he had a few of those. He over-threw a wide open Hakeem Nicks. He was out of synch the entire game.

Hixon really stepped up this game as he caught five balls for eighty yards. It was probably due to a lack of depth in Atlanta's secondary, but he was the most reliable target for Eli. 

David Wilson and Kregg Lumpkin were running well. Unfortunately, the Giants fell so far behind so quickly that they had to abandon the run. 

I knew the Giants defense would greatly suffer without Prince Amukamara being there. They've been able to get by without Kenny Phillips because Prince was all over receivers like the IRS on Nicolas Cage. Since Prince wasn't in Atlanta this past Sunday, the secondary was wide open for Matty Ice and company.
To continue paying off his debt, Nicolas Cage is now doing a movie about Nickleback.
The pass rush didn't do much to help out the secondary either. They had an overwhelming lack of a presence on Sunday. A painfully obvious lack of pressure. Ryan had all the time in the world to shred the depleted secondary. And that's what he did.

So what have I learned?

If you want to put a damper on the Giants offense, limit David Wilson's kick returns. He seems to ignite the offense when he explodes for a big return.

Prince needs to come back as soon as possible. He's been a very effective cornerback this year, and the team suffers without him. I don't want Jayron Hosley getting embarrassed becoming a routine occurrence.

This was a statement game for the Falcons. They needed to prove to everyone else in the league that they need to be viewed as one of the most dominant teams in the league. The Giants were over-matched in every aspect of the game. Let's hope the Giants make a statement against the Baltimore Ravens. The statement being never count the Giants out.
 
Besides the first week when they lost to Dallas, this is the first time the Giants are really underdogs. We all know the Giants have the reputation of playing their best when the going gets tough. Remember, the last two times they won Super Bowls, they got blown out in mid-December. Both times they didn't get hot until around Christmas. But are these the same guys from last year? How will they respond to this adversity? Will they be the Little Giants with Ice Box, or the Little Giants without Ice Box?

Since the NFC East playoff schedule is looking like a math problem that only Will Hunting could solve, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I only know that if the Giants win their remaining two games, they are in the dance.
This playoff picture is wicked hahd to solve!
Two must wins in late December to make the playoffs?  I like their chances.




Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Week 14: Giants vs Saints

"Just when I thought you couldn't play ANY worse, you play a game like this... and totally redeem yourself!" This was a game of redemption for the Giants. After they embarrassed themselves last week in Washington, and after all of the beatings that they've been given by the Saints over the years, the Giants needed a win over the Saints. The Giants got what they needed when they smacked around the Saints on Sunday.
The Giants on the road to the playoffs.
There was a ton of scoring here. This recap may take a while. 

First Quarter:
The action started on the Saints opening possession when Hofstra's finest, Marques Colston, coughed the ball up to the Giants after a long reception.
Eli Manning, trying to capitalize on the turnover, fires off one of his "oopsie" throws which is picked off and housed. Cue the Eli face.
On the ensuing kickoff, the speedy rookie, David Wilson, returned the kick ninety seven yards for a touchdown, followed by a very impressive back flip in the endzone. Fun fact: The last time a kick off was taken to the house was December 29, 2007 against the Patriots. That's sixty eight regular season games and nine post season games during that time span.
The Saints tried to get some momentum back on their following possession. However, the Saints' fullback Jed Collins got the ball stripped by Antrel Rolle, and the ball is scooped up by Linval Joseph.
Sunday, the Black Unicorn leapt into the crowd to stop a crime.
The Giants capitalized on that turnover and Eli connected with the Black Unicorn on a short touchdown pass. The Black Unicorn then leaped over the tall wall and into the crowd of Metlife Stadium.
Score: Giants 14-Saints 7

Second Quarter:
New Orleans started off the second quarter with the ball. This drive resulted in a field goal for the Saints.
The Giants weren't so lucky on their follow-up possession, as Lawrence, Noodle Leg, Tynes misses a field goal attempt.
The Saints scored another field goal on their next possession.
With just under two minutes left in the half, the Giants were looking to get one last score in before they head to the locker rooms. They got that score with an incredible catch by Domenik Hixon. 
Score: Giants 21-Saints 13

Third Quarter:
The third quarter began with a Giants kickoff to the Saints. On his first play of the half, the newest member of One Direction, Drew Brees, over-threw Jimmy Graham and who else but Stevie Brown was at the right spot to intercept the tipped ball.
All of this for a Pepsi?
Wilson ran it into the endzone for a touchdown. Then he followed that up with another back flip.
The Giants got the ball back quickly after a Saints three and out. They took advantage of that as Eli threw a perfect ball to Hakeem Nicks for another Giants touchdown.
Brees and company responded to that drive by showing the Giants how explosive they could be. It only took three plays for the Saints to travel seventy five yards for a Darren Sproles touchdown.
In response to that quick strike by New Orleans, Eli Manning throws another pick. Fortunately, this one is not housed.
The Saints took advantage and Darren Sproles scored another touchdown. This time, it was a pass out of the backfield.
Score: Giants 35-Saints 27

Fourth Quarter:
The fourth quarter was all Giants. A Cruz touchdown, another Brees interception, a Noodle Leg field goal, and a fifty-two yard touchdown run by David Wilson. That run was the nail in the coffin.
Final score: Giants 52-Saints 27

Besides a few "oopsie" throws, Eli had a great game. He tossed four touchdowns and threw for two hundred and fifty-nine yards. He wasn't phased at all by the interceptions he threw, and didn't stop making gutsy throws down field.

The receiving core did a great job also. Four different receivers got touchdown grabs. Cruz had the big plays, but that's his role as a receiver. Nicks and Bennett were steady targets for Eli.

David Wilson, welcome to the NFL. He had one hundred rushing yards and a touchdown, not to mention his incredible kick off returns. I know that the Saints are awful against the run, but he was very impressive on Sunday. His flips were equally as impressive.

Overall, the Giants defense played a great game against a great offense. Brees didn't look comfortable in the pocket for most of the game. Stevie Brown was at it again with his two interceptions. Antrel Rolle was all over the field making plays. Even though they only had one sack, the defensive line was disruptive enough to make a difference. 

So what have I learned?

David Wilson has received the nickname "Turbo" because he's like a video game with a "turbo" button that pushes him through holes. This, of course, means I'm going to be saying "It's Turbo Time!" every time he does something great. I considered the nickname "Flip", but Flip Wilson was an actor/comedian in the 1960s and 70s.
"IT'S TEARBO TIME!"
Hakeem Nicks is in desperate need of an off-season. He walks on and off the field like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard.  But, despite looking like he walked over shattered glass, he still is a reliable target for Eli.

I think I'm going to start calling Stevie Brown "Stevie On The Spot" because he's always at the right place at the right time. He has been the big break-out star of the Giants' defense this year.

Using the term "roller coaster" for the Giants' inconsistency isn't accurate. It's more like having an unstable girlfriend. Some weeks go smoothly, and other weeks she's smashing in your car windows with an aluminum bat.

The Giants have three games left of their six game season. I think if they win two of them they should be in good shape to make it to the dance.





Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Week 13: Giants at Redskins

What an awful game. What a sloppy, eyesore of a game. Just like the game on Monday night, this write up is gonna be very difficult to get through without suffering from a stroke. But I will do my best.

First Quarter:
The first score of the game was a field goal by "Noodle Leg," Lawrence Tynes. No surprise there.
During the Redskins' following possession, the immortal, school boy crush of Jon Gruden, Robert Griffin III, ran for a first down. On that same run, he fumbled the ball, but as luck would have it, the ball lands right into the hands of Josh Morgan, who then takes it to the house. It looked like a scene from The Replacements.
Score: Giants 3-Redskins 7
Giant Penalties: 2
"Hey, you stole that play from us! Ya know, that play where we do zany things but still score." 

Second Quarter:
The Giants started the second quarter in the middle of a lengthy drive. Bradshaw was running well and Eli took some shots downfield to Nicks and Cruz, both were unsuccessful though. However, the first play of the second quarter was an intentional grounding penalty on Eli Manning. This led to a second and twenty on the Redskins' forty yard line. They couldn't get a first down after that so they sent in Noodle Leg. Unfortunately, he missed the forty-three yard field goal wide left. This turned out to be a big deal.
The Redskins took over after the missed field goal and they ended up punting.
This time the Giants didn't settle on a field goal. They actually got a touchdown! Eli threw a short pass to the superhero, Black Unicorn.
The 'Skins respond with a field goal kicked by "Cobra" Kai Forbath.
The Giants ended the half with a field goal by good ol' Noodle.
Score: Giants 13-Redskins 10
Giant Penalties: 4

Third Quarter:
The Giants received the ball to start the half. They ended up punting.
During the Redskins' following possession, Chase Blackburn forced a fumble which was recovered by the Giants. During the fight for the loose ball, a kicking match broke out between Linval Joseph and Kory Lichtensteiger.
After the fumble recovery, the Giants were driving downfield. Eli connected to Cruz on a forty-nine yard pass. But, as usual, the offense can't finish the job and Tynes is sent in to kick another field goal.
Score: Giants 16-Redskins 10
Giant Penalties: 1 (but it was cancelled out)

Fourth Quarter:
The 'Skins were in the middle of their drive at the start of the fourth quarter. This is when the Redskins really started to run all over the Giants. Their drive ended with a RGIII touchdown pass to Pierre Garcon.
On the ensuing kickoff, David Wilson returned the ball to the fifty yard line. But not so fast, Mr. Wilson, because there was a holding penalty that brought the Giants back to the eight yard line. This resulted in a three and out.
The Giants got another shot of regaining the lead after the 'Skins punted. It looked promising for a brief moment, but when Eli connected with Bennett to convert the first down on third and ten, it was called back because of a holding penalty. They couldn't convert on third and twenty and had to punt.
The Giants defense couldn't stop the Redskins' rushing attack at the end of the game which allowed them to run out the clock.
Final: Giants 16-Redskins 17
Giants Penalties: 2

"These penalties are a first-class ticket to nowhere!"
A lot went wrong for the Giants. Before this game, they averaged just over four penalties a game. Monday night, they were penalized nine times. Nine times? Niiiine times.

Eli was on point for most of the game. He missed some deep receivers, but it's hard to score when your team keeps on taking yards away from you.

Cruz and Bennett had solid games. Whereas Nicks played well but still looks banged up a bit. This will be the case for most of the season.

The Giants' offense kept stalling on Monday night and they had to settle on field goals. And if your team has to settle on field goals, your kicker damn well better make them all. I'm not putting the game on Tynes and I know he's made a ton of kicks, but that was a bad time to miss.

The defense could not stop the Redskins' rushing attack. It seems that the "pistol" offense of the 'Skins hurt the Giants more than the pistol in Plax's sweatpants. The Giants just couldn't stop the option running plays. They can put a lid on MVP Aaron Rodgers, but they would lose easily to Air Force or Navy.

The new Giants' defense.
The Giants tried to use the NASCAR d-line package to contain RG3, but it was more like a Hot Wheels package. Plus, on the third and one play that would seal the win for the 'Skins, I saw Justin Tuck with the pit crew on the sidelines.

RG3 didn't throw too many passes, but his passing offense was successful due to the Giants' defense being out of position because of the run.

So what have I learned?

The Giants couldn't have picked a worse game to crap themselves. They only have a one game lead in the NFC East and will probably not hold any tie breakers. They are now in the gauntlet of their schedule and they have very little wiggle room.

The penalties were an aberration. I think most of those penalties were due to the insane crowd noise caused by the Redskins' fans who are actually excited for the first time in a decade. It would be a tough game for any visiting team.

Even with how terrible the Giants played on Monday, they were still a missed field goal and a miracle play away from winning. I don't know if that says more about the Redskins or the Giants though.

Coach Shanahan, taking his team name literally.
Coach Shanahan, who should consider the name Redskins offensive, has designed a great scheme for RG3. Having said that, RG3 is a dynamic player who will most likely be the bane of my existence for the next ten to twelve years (providing he stays healthy and doesn't regress).

Jon Gruden is absolutely in love with Robert Griffin III. I'm talking Lloyd Dobler blasting Peter Gabriel outside RG3's house in love. Shakespeare couldn't find the words of admiration and obsession that Gruden was spilling on Monday night in the booth. 

This was found in Gruden's binder on the MNF bus.






Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Week 12: Giants vs Packers

"The fact is, [the Giants] didn't beat us; we beat ourselves. We need to play our best ball when it counts. This year, I expect us to be right where we should be." These were the words spoken in August by Clay Matthews about the Packers' loss to the Giants last January. Well, this past Sunday, the Giants steamrolled the Pack. I wonder what the Game of Thrones' extra will say about this embarrassing loss.
"Prepare yourselves! Excuses are coming!"

In the beginning of this game, it looked like it was going to be a close one, but the Giants turned it on and ran away with it.

First Quarter:
It started off well for Eli and the Giants from their very first possession. There was a short pass to Bradshaw, which he took fifty-nine yards to Green Bay's two yard line. The Browntown Express punched the ball in the endzone for the first score of the game.
On the Packers' responding drive, Corey Webster got burned by Jordy Nelson for a sixty-one yard touchdown catch. 
Later in the quarter, Eli fires a perfect strike sixteen yards to Rueben Randle for the Giant's second touchdown of the game.
Earlier, Corey Webster looked like a fool against Jordy Nelson, but this time Webster picked off Rodgers, who looks like an extra from Boogie Nights, and redeemed himself.
That interception lead to a Tynes field goal.
Score: Giants 17-Packers 7

Second Quarter:
On the Giants' first possession in the second quarter, Eli hooks up with Victor Cruz for a nine yard touchdown.
The Packers following that drive is capped off with a Mason Crosby field goal.
After a Giants' three and out, the Packers get the ball back, but Osi strip sacks the mustachioed MVP and the Haitian of Domination recovers the ball.
Bradshaw runs into the endzone during that following possession.
Score: Giants 31-Packers 10

Second Half:
The beat down continued as Nicks got his beach ball-sized hands into the mix with his own receiving TD.
Rodgers was sacked a few more times.
It ended peacefully with a kneel-down.
Final Score: Giants 38-Packers 10

Eli looked like he was back in Superbowl MVP shape after he shook off some rust early on. He seemed to be on the same page with his receivers, and his receivers didn't drop an absurd amount of passes.

This is Cyclops, in case you didn't know.
Martellus Bennett had three catches for forty-four yards on Sunday. But after the game, his "spidey-sense" was tingling as he caught a middle-aged man who was falling from the stands, fifteen-feet high, onto what would be a concrete floor. He likened himself to Cyclops from X-Men. "Cyclops has super powers. He's caught people. He caught Jean Grey a couple of times. But all superheroes catch people at some point in time. Otherwise they're not as super as they think they are." Maybe if the NFL thing doesn't work out, he can be a masked vigilante named The Black Unicorn.

The running game also looked reinvigorated as Bradshaw and Brown combined for one hundred yards rushing. Unfortunately, Brown broke his fibula and will be on the injured reserve/designated for return list. This will give David Wilson the carries that he deserves.

The defense looked incredible. Throughout the entire game, Super Trooper Aaron Rodgers was under pressure. The Giants' defense was chasing Rodgers like a Burt Reynold's fan club, which lead to five sacks and a ton of hurried throws.
"I don't want a large Farva! I want some goddamn pass protection!"
With Kenny Phillips being back, Antrel Rolle was used to help contain the Packers' explosive receivers. It was also a "welcome back game" for Chase Blackburn, who had a huge sack and a nice tipped pass in the endzone.

So what have I learned?

Why so serious?
Now that Andre Brown's fibula is broken like Fireman Ed's spirit, David Wilson will be Bradshaw's backup. The running game will look very different now, and a lot more passes can be expected when the Giants are in the redzone.

The return of Kenny Phillips and Chase Blackburn is the best thing for the team as they make their playoff push. Chase isn't the most physically gifted player on the defense, but he's probably the smartest. And with Phillips back, Rolle can be used as a corner or as an extra safety to help the next time Webster gets torched.

Manning and Bradshaw both benefited tremendously from the week off. Bradshaw gave all of the metal in his body time to set and Eli gave his arm a much-needed rest.  

Although Eli Manning outplayed Aaron Rodgers, Rodgers won the facial hair contest on Sunday night. While Rodgers looked like a young Tom Selleck, Eli looked like a young Italian boy, like an eleven year old with peach fuzz. Glad to see his arm is feeling better, but his beard has more patches in it than a hipster's cardigan. 

Martellus Bennett is a nerdy white kid trapped in a monster's body. He'd be the only one dressed up at Comic Con that actually has super strength, and wouldn't be given a wedgie.

The Giants are in good position to make the playoffs. Unless they cram their heads into each others asses, the G-Men have a good chance to win the NFC East.
Cue the circus music!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Week 11: Miyagi Do Karate (Bye Week)

If you read my blog last week, you would have seen that I referenced the Karate Kid. I also included a doctored picture of Eli Manning wearing the Daniel LaRusso headband. This got me thinking, since there was no game this past week, and there wasn't any news to speak of, why don't I just explain my theory on why the Giants are the Karate Kid of the NFL.

First off, they both have New Jersey ties. I know they are the New York Giants, but Met Life Stadium is in Jersey and, like, everyone on the team lives in Jersey.

People thought that Coach Coughlin was an out-of-touch coach that couldn't relate to the players. Mr. Miyagi was viewed by both Daniel and the Cobra Kai guys as an out-of-touch old man, at first.
So I have to show up 5 minutes early just to paint a stupid fence?
Coughlin has stupid rules that many of the players, including Michael Strahan, had a problem with. The big one was the "if you show up on time, you're late" rule. Miyagi's training for Daniel wasn't thought of as real training. It was painting the fences, waxing the cars, and sanding the floors. These rules, or chores, were seen as unnecessary or as a  waste of time but both were instrumental in training and instilling a disciplined attitude.

Now let's look at the two playoff appearances that lead to a Super Bowl in the Manning/Coughlin/Karate Kid era. They were both kind of reminiscent of the the All Valley Tournament. The Giant first snuck into the playoffs in the 2007 season, kinda like how Miyagi lied to the sign-up official at the tournament and stole a black belt. In the 2011 season, the Giants had the worst record in the league. Some people thought that the Giants had no business being in the playoffs. Just like Daniel was counted out before the tournament even started.

Johnny Lawrence and John Kreese
The Giants' Super Bowl XLII win was an incredible victory against the powerhouse Patriots, not unlike Daniel LaRusso's victory. He was against the baddest dojo in southern California, Cobra Kai. They were disciplined, smart, and ruthless. They lived by the mantra, "Strike first, strike hard, no mercy". The Patriots were the top team in the league. They were undefeated and rolling teams the entire season.

The sensei of Cobra Kai was John Kreese, a viscous tactician who took pride in completely destroying his opponents. The coach of the Patriots, Bill Belichik, was a cold tactician who also took pride in completely destroying his opponents. How many teams did he completely bury with a blow out that season? Can't you see him telling Tom Brady "I don't want them beat!"? And, seriously, can you see Kreese video taping Daniel and Mr. Miyagi training to get an advantage?

Tom Brady and Bill Belichik
Tom Brady is the Johnny Lawrence of the New England Patriots. Both are handsome rich kids from California. But when Brady was tossing around the pigskin, Johnny Lawrence was kicking wooden planks. They both blindly followed their superiors, and were willing to do anything to win.

Both Super Bowl XLII and the All Valley Tournament were David vs. Goliath stories. Both had magical moments, the crane kick, the helmet catch, Daniel's leg being healed, and Plaxico's game winning catch. In both the game and the tournament, an unlikely hero rose to the occasion. Daniel defeated Johnny Lawrence and the Cobra Kai Dojo, and, for the Giants, it was Eli Manning who showed the country how gutsy he was. Not bad for a couple kids from Jersey.

Super Bowl XLVI was about vengeance and restoring honor for the Patriots. Much like in Karate Kid Part II when the villain, Chozen, wanted to kill Daniel for besting him and making him look foolish throughout the movie. The Patriots wanted to prove that they still could be Super Bowl champions, and Chozen wanted to prove how tough and uncowardly he was. There wasn't even a tournament, Chozen crashed a party and wanted to fight Daniel to the death. This time Daniel wasn't a severe underdog, it was just that Chozen had nothing to lose. The Giants were actually considered favorites by many analysts.

*HONK*
This Super Bowl win wasn't as magical, but neither was the Daniel/Chozen fight. It was a gritty, tough, hard-fought battle with ultimately the Giants, and LaRusso, coming out on top.

After the Giants won Supber Bowl XLVI, they were not thought to be favorites to win again. Hell, they weren't even picked to win the NFC East by many analysts. The same thing happened to LaRusso in Karate Kid Part III, when he signed up for the All Valley Tournament the year after he defeated Johnny Lawrence, people didn't expect him to beat Karate bad boy Mike Barnes.

Right now there is no Mike Barnes or Terry Silver equivalent in the NFL, which is probably a good thing. I mean Barnes and his lackeys, Snake and Dennis, tried to kill Daniel. It would be pretty inexcusable if someone tried to drop Eli Manning down a cliff while he was trying to retrieve a Bonsai tree.

The main reason why the Giants are the Karate Kid of the NFL is that even though it doesn't look pretty, they get the job done. They are scrappy. They're always under the radar, always well coached, always tough, and should never be counted out.

"Hey Manning, you're alright man!"


I'd like to thank Greg Osborn for pushing me to do this, as well as helping me cultivate ideas for this blog.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Week 10: Giants at Bengals

To say I was was disappointed by the Giants game on Sunday it to say that Tim Tebow is a casual church goer. On all fronts, it was a major disaster.

"Hey Jesus! It's me, T-Dog. Wanna have a catch later?"
Since I don't have the stomach for a long-winded breakdown of the "Xs and Os," I'll just give the highlights, or in this case, the lowlights. Here is what I remember happening (because I'm still too angry to put a good amount of research into it). 

- I do remember Chase Blackburn forcing a fumble.
- I remember the Browntown Express getting tons of garbage time yards and a touchdown. 
- Corey Webster left A.J. Green "junk flapping in the wind" naked for a TD. But to be fair, Green's only one of the best receivers in the league. Most DBs give him a cushion.
- A good punt by Weatherford got called back because of an illegal procedure penalty and the re-punt was almost housed. The Bengals scored a touchdown on that possession.
- I remember Bradshaw fumbling the ball after bulldozing for a first down.
- I remember Eli Manning throwing some of his patented "Eli" throws from 2006, like a lob to an offensive lineman that was picked off by a defensive lineman. In Eli's defense though, it's hard to tell the difference between David Baas and Hakeem Nicks. It's also tough to see those svelte defensive linemen. Just take the sack.
- I remember the Eli face.
- I remember Victor Cruz being "junk flapping in the wind" naked while being steps away from the endzone, Eli dropping the ball into his hands as if it was a carnival game, and Cruz then dropping the sure touchdown.

Here's what I don't remember:
- I don't remember seeing JPP, Tuck, or Osi doing anything.
- I don't remember seeing the last quarter of the game. Mostly because I wasn't watching it. Because I had better things to do... like intentionally not watch the game.

"How is sanding the floor gonna help me throw touchdowns?"
I don't know what the hell is wrong with Eli Manning. Maybe it's a dead arm, maybe he forgot how to play at an elite level. But he's gotta figure it out. Maybe through an 80's montage. I can see him now: studying game film, running through a park, weight lifting, walking old ladies across the street, and recycling. All set to "You're the Best Around" from the Karate Kid.

Bradshaw and Brown combined for one hundred and twenty-two yards, with Brown getting most of those yards towards the end of the game when the Bengals were more focused on where they were eating dinner than the actual game. But you can't expect too many carries when you're down seventeen to six at halftime.

It turns out that A.J. Green was right when he said the Giant's defense has "a lot of holes". On Sunday there weren't holes on defense, there were chasms and it was the entire team, not just the defense.

Andy Dalton, who has a terrible case of Gingervitis, had a career-high four touchdowns, but threw for less than two hundred yards. What does that say? A lot of those scoring drives started in good field position. You can't hold all of those scores over the heads of the defense. 
 
The entire game was embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the Owner/President/GM of your team getting video bombed by a Cowboy's ass during an interview.

"C'mon down to Cowboys' Stadium and wash some asses!"
So what have I learned?

The Giants need a lot of work. Not quite a Lindsay Lohan amount of work, but more like a Robert Downey Jr. amount of work.

This is the Giants.
This is the Eagles. Any questions?
They were never a team that made things easy for themselves. It happens around this time every year. They are the Kings of October, but the Clowns of November.

This bye week is much needed. But it may have been one week too late. Hopefully they can use this time to get their heads right.

If I were Andy Dalton, I'd dye tiger stripes in my hair. It would look like he's always wearing a helmet.
Beaten by a Ginger.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Week 9: Giants vs Steelers

The Giants were almost due for a let down. After three huge wins for them they didn't have enough steam for a fourth emotional win in a row. Despite getting some breaks from the officials, the Steelers having to fly in on Sunday morning, and even with the ridiculous fake field goal, the Giants couldn't get the job done. They were outplayed by the Steelers.

First Quarter:
Aside from an Eli Manning "aw shucks" interception, the first quarter was uneventful.
Score: Giants 0-Steelers 0

Second Quarter:
Early on, Big Ben connected to Emmanuel Sanders to give the Steelers the lead at seven to zip. On the Giants following possession, they drove down to the Steelers' two yard line but, you guessed it, fizzled out. Luckily, the officials flagged Ryan Clark on a questionable personal foul penalty against Victor Cruz. This penalty leads to a Browntown Express rushing touchdown.

How can you throw with Krazy Glue on your glove?
Following that Giants scoring drive, Osi used his patented QB strip move on Ben Roethlisberger, which was recovered and housed by Michael Boley. This play wasn't without controversy as well. First off, it wasn't a clear fumble, but it wasn't clearly not a fumble, so it wasn't overturned (did that make sense?). If Ben wasn't wearing his sticky receiver gloves maybe it would be a more clear fumble. Secondly, during Boley's return a block in the back wasn't called on the Haitian of Domination.

As the first half was winding down, the Giants were in a field goal situation. More specifically, a fifty-one yard field goal situation. An over fifty yarder for noodle leg Tynes - don't hold your breath. Sure enough, Legatoni didn't disappoint as his Chad Pennington leg kicked it straight, but short. Unfortunately, Shaun Suisham didn't miss his thirty yard field goal to end the half.
Giants 14-Steelers 10

Third Quarter:
Not a lot happened here either. Although Legatoni did hit a fifty yard field goal, Webster picked off Big Ben, and Tynes nailed a chip-shot field goal. There should have been a touchdown instead of that last kick since the Giants were at the front stoop of the endzone.
Giants 20-Steelers 10

Fourth Quarter:
It didn't take long for the Steelers to score in the fourth quarter. Forty-five seconds in, Big Ben throws a short pass in the middle of the field to Mike Wallace and Wallace did the rest as he ran to the endzone for a fifty-one yard touchdown reception.

Then the Giants went three and out.

The Steelers came down with a case of the Giants and were settling for a field goal on the Giants three yard line. But it wasn't a field goal, it was a fake field goal running play. The Giants didn't fall for it, and Suisham was tackled for a loss on that play.

Then the Giants went three and out.

With their next possession, the Steelers were driving down the field. They were in field goal range and on a third and seven at the Giants' fourteen yard line.  Roethlisberger missed his receiver to bring up fourth down and most likely a field goal. But hold your horses, Jayron Hosley was called for offsides. This gave Pittsburgh another chance to move the chains with a third and two opportunity, and that's what they did. They got the first and eventually a touchdown to give the Steelers a twenty four to twenty lead with four minutes on the clock.

Then the Giants went three and out.

After that pathetic offensive performance, the Steelers ran out the clock to seal the victory for the Steel City.
Final Score: Steelers 24-Giants 20

To say the Giants offense came out flat is to say that Sandy was just a rain shower. The Giants couldn't achieve a single first down in the fourth quarter. The Giants total offensive yards was one hundred and eighty-two yards. The Steelers total RUSHING yards was one hundred and fifty-eight yards. That means the entire Giants team only had twenty four more yards than basically one guy, Redman, with occasional help from a few more rushers.

"Aw dang, I think I just pooped myself!"
Eli's completion percentage was forty one. He only threw for one hundred and twenty five yards with no touchdowns. But he did have that pick so that's something. 

The Giants running game couldn't get anything started. In fairness to Bradshaw and Brown, it's hard to get anything going with only twenty two carries.

Osi and JPP had one sack each and Tuck had two. They put pressure on Big Ben, but he's at his best when he's throwing under pressure.

The middle of the field was wide open for the Steelers to do anything they wanted. 

The coach of the Steelers, Mike Tomlin, who looks like Omar Epps in a Tilda Swinton looks like Thom Yorke sorta way, did a great job on capitalizing on the Giants inefficiency on offense and their shortcomings on defense. He out-coached his counterpart, Tom Coughlin.
Mike, meet Omar. Tilda, meet Thom. Universe, meet black hole.


So what have I learned?

The Giants truly are an October team. As soon as Halloween is over, the Giants seem to take a huge step backwards.

They aren't the same team after that won in San Fransisco. You can't keep winning games when your offense stalls in the redzone. During Sunday's game, their inability to score finally caught up with them.

Andre Brown needs to get more carries, providing that he doesn't get knocked out of almost every game. Bradshaw is only effective when he gets fired up, but Brown is a smarter runner and he hits the holes that are designed for him.

Chase Blackburn and Jacquain Williams need to come back soon. They are way too soft up the middle. I like Herzlich and I love his story, but he isn't ready to be a starting MLB.

Hopefully, they can bounce back against the Bungles and use the bye week to figure out what the hell is wrong with the offense.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Week 8: Giants at Cowboys

"I want you to come down to Cowboys Stadium and watch us kick the Giants' asses!" These were the words of Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones to his fans in July. And just like the previous three times, the Giants beat the Cowboys in their own stadium, and just like the other times, it was still a very narrow victory. Although nothing makes me happier than seeing the Crypt Keeper, Jerry Jones, eat his southern twanged words, it was scary how close he was to being right.

Tales From the Owners Box
This game started off so well for the Giants, at least defensively. In the first quarter, Romo threw two picks and Dez Bryant fumbled twice during the same punt return. The problem with these turnovers was that they only led to thirteen points. Seven of those points came from a short Browntown Express run, which was greatly benefited by DeMarcus Ware sitting out that play due to a stinger he got.

"You are an animal! AHHHWOOOOOWWWW!"
In the second quarter, during the following Cowboys possession, the Haitian of Domination finally picked off one those passes that he usually whaps down at the line of scrimmage. Not only did he pick off Romo, but he returned it for a touchdown. Not only did he return it for a touchdown, he dunked the football over the crossbar like Teen Wolf and almost tore the whole thing down.

This was shaping up to be a Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The Giants were Leatherface and the Cowboys were scared teenagers. However, in this version of the massacre, Leatherface became complacent and the teenagers started fighting back. Since that JPP touchdown and Shaq slam, the Giants were outscored by the Cowboys fourteen to six for the rest of the game. The Cowboys were very close to winning this game several times. It was almost a nightmare fit for Elm Street, but fortunately the Giants held on for the win.

Here is Tony Romo and Dez Bryant running from the Giants defense in the first quarter.
Bradshaw's coughing up the ball second quarter kicked off the Cowboys comeback. Maybe Cruz should have smacked him in the back of the helmet after that. For this game, Bradshaw had more fumbles than touchdowns. The Cowboys couldn't convert that turnover to points, but punted to the Giants, who then punted the ball back to them. This time the Cowboys scored on a Felix Jones run after they drove down the field with the Giants eating a steady diet of Austin and Witten catches 

The Giants, punting to the Cowboys, who then scored, became as tired and overdone as the Saw movies. Luckily, the monotony of the Giants punting to the Cowboys was broken up by an interception, which actually didn't lead to a Dallas score, but a punt. For this game, Eli had more interceptions than touchdowns.

The Giants eventually scored a field goal in the fourth quarter, giving them a twenty-six to twenty-four lead. The Cowboys responded with a Felix Jones fumble which was recovered by who else but Giants safety and Dallas native, Stevie Brown. This lead to ANOTHER Tynes field goal to put the Giants up twenty-nine to twenty-four.

Now with over three minutes left, RomoCop has to get a touchdown. I was hoping it would be quick so that Eli could get the ball back to work his two minute magic. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case as the Cowboys bled out the clock like a vampire. Witten and Austin were still catching almost everything. Rookie Jayron Hosley was getting torched like Nicolas Cage in the Wicker Man by Miles Austin the entire game, especially during the final minutes of the game.

On fourth and one, with a minute and fourteen seconds, Tony Thromo threw another pick to Stevie Brown. "Like, I don't think he can throw mo' picks. Oh wait there's another one!" And like all of those Friday the 13th movies, when you think it's over, Jason, or this case Thromo, shows up to create more havoc. The Giants got the ball back and sure enough punted after a three and out.

No matter how many times you think you've killed him. He always comes back.
This gave the Cowboys the ball back with forty-four seconds left. After a few complete catches, and with sixteen seconds left, Romo threw a pass to Dez Bryant in the endzone who jumped up between two defenders and came down with the ball. This gave the Cowboys the lead with six seconds left. The game was over. But through some act of God, or witchcraft, it turns out that Dez Bryant was out of bounds by literally about by a fingertip and the play was overturned. After that, the Cowboys couldn't score a a touchdown and the Giants hang on for another win in big D.

"Pittsburgh Killa B's sold fifty gold, sixty platinum."
The Giants offense couldn't really get anything going. They only had one offensive touchdown. They couldn't convert third downs while close to the redzone. The offense was as ugly as the Steelers' throwback uniforms, apparently they were a rugby team for Halloween.

The defense started off so strong, but that fizzled out just before halftime. The Cowboys' receivers always managed to get open. Even with the pass rush, Romo still made plays. But that's what Thromo does against the Giants, he plays out of his mind for most of the game but makes mistakes that are costly for his team. Kind of like drinking, or saying, "I'll be right back" in horror movies.

The Giants were able to weather the storm in Dallas only to fly back to New York just in time to weather an actual one.

So what have I learned?
"Don't worry Dallas fans, I found another way to screw you over!"

Football really is a game of inches. This is proven by Dez Bryant's near catch.

The Giants will use this game to remind themselves of why they can't settle for field goals all the time. Coach Coughlin was very clear about how there are plenty of ways to get better as a team. This is what makes them a great team. Even with a win, they still know they need to work on themselves.

There is no such thing as an easy win in this division. Even if the score is twenty-three to zero at one point.

I really need to get a nickname for Stevie Brown. He has played too well to not earn a nickname. And Browntown Express is already taken. I'm open for suggestions.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Week 7: Giants vs Redskins

“That guy is flat-out unbelievable. I’m not even going to lie. That’s the best quarterback we’ve played this year." These are the words of Giants' defensive end Osi Umenyiora about Robert Griffin III, otherwise known as RG3. Even though it's his rookie year, and the surrounding talent on his team isn't great, RG3 impresses and worries opposing teams. He played well. Well enough for Osi to stop calling him "Bob" and start calling him Sir Robert Griffin III.
"Your name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?!"
It was a messy game played by the Giants. The running game couldn't get going, Eli made mistakes, and the Giants defense had cleat marks on their jerseys because of how much they were getting trampled.

The game started off slowly, with only three points being scored with a Redskins field goal on their first possession, which consisted of seventeen plays and lasted over nine minutes. The Giants scored on the following possession with an Andre Brown touchdown. The Redskins responded to that with a touchdown, but the Giants tied the game, just before halftime, at 10 with a field goal by Tynes. 

In the third quarter, the Redskins were driving on the Giants Alfred Morris coughed up the ball. As Giants fan think to themselves "This is where we get the lead an never look back," Eli throws a pick and there was a collective palm-to-forehead smack by everyone in the crowd. Luckily, RG3 gave the Giants the ball back again by throwing it to Stevie Brown. The Giants scored on the following possession with a Bradshaw run. This was after Bradshaw and Coach Coughlin got into a heated exchange about Bradshaw wanting to run the ball. At least he backed it up.

In response to that touchdown, the Haitian of Domination stripped the ball loose from RG3. Giants fans think to themselves, "Alright, this time we're gonna step on the Redskins' throat," What happened? An Eli interception followed by Eli face. The collective sound of tens of thousands of people face-palming created a shock wave that blew out windows in Manhattan.

"He did NOT just throw another pick!"
With the time on the game clock counting down, RG3 showed some two minute heroics by making some incredible plays to buy himself time to make throws, plays that worked against even the best executed defenses. He capped it off with a thirty yard pass to Santana Moss to give the Redskins a 23-20 lead. But there was a flaw in that drive - Eli now has ninety seconds and three timeouts to at least get in field goal range. Eli only needed nineteen seconds to throw a seventy-seven yard strike to Victor Cruz. The 'Skins couldn't score, but instead coughed up the ball again to seal the Giants' victory.

"Now you all are in big, big trouble!"
Eli played a sloppy game for the first fifty-eight minutes and thirty seconds. He was missing receivers for the entire game. He still threw for over three hundred yards, but those two picks were frustrating. But, when time is running out and the game is on the line, he turns into Billy Madison playing dodgeball against a bunch of first graders. Eli knew the 'Skins were expecting dink and dunk passes and would play tight on the receivers. That's why he threw the ball over the top to Cruz. He showed the breakout rookie QB how fourth quarter comebacks are really done.

The running game was lack-luster by only getting sixty-four yards on the ground. To be fair, there were less than twenty rushing attempts by the Giants. It's hard to get into a rhythm when you don't run the ball a lot. It was good to see Andre "The Browntown Express" Brown get back in the game, even though it's at the expense of David Wilson.

The receivers did a nice job of getting open for Eli. Bennett came back in a big way, catching five passes for seventy-nine yards. He would have had a touchdown, but Manning missed him in the endzone.

The rush defense had their hands full on Sunday with a very effective rushing offense. The
'Skins had one hundred and forty rushing yards by halftime, two hundred and forty yards by the end of the game. The Giants can usually contain the option style offense, but this one was too good to stop.

The pass rush is starting to click and the big three d-linemen, JPP, Osi, and Tuck, all had sacks. It looked like the Giants figured out how to throw RG3 off of his game and disrupt him, even if it didn't always work out. And any evidence of the Haitian of Domination not having fun was danced away as he performed a most intimidating Gangnam Style dance after a sack.
Are we having fun yet?


So what have I learned?

Whether it's "Drive Angry 3D" or "Face/Off", it's still a paycheck.
This win was a textbook "character win" for the Giants. They hung in there and stole one from the Redskins. Wins aren't always pretty, but like Nicolas Cage choosing a script, you have to take what you can get.

Ahmad Bradshaw has become the emotional leader of this team. He expects a lot from himself and from his teammates. He has replaced Brandon Jacobs as the offensive fire starter.

The defensive line is starting to get hot at the same time. Imagine how effective they would be if they weren't playing against such a phenomenon, like Rex Grossman. Oh that's right, Rex beat them twice last year... go figure.

Most importantly, I learned that I should dread Redskins games for the next ten to twelve years (providing RG3 is healthy and on the 'Skins). Things could get ugly if Sir Robert Griffin III actually gets some substantial weapons.
"Until meet again, Mr. The Third."