Week Twelve 2014: Giants vs Cowboys

The Giants are officially eliminated from playoff contention. And all I have to say about that is...it’s about time. Not to say I was all that optimistic in the first place, I’ve been saying for a while that they had no shot, but we’re better off as fans not believing the hype of running the table.

"Now you're all are in big, big trouble!"

This was the best game I’ve seen the Giants play since their win against Atlanta.  If that seems like a long time ago, it’s because it was. Their last win was before Columbus Day. And just like the ill-fated natives of North America, the Giants have been getting destroyed ever since.

The game was going well for Big Blue, but late in the game Eli missed high on Preston Parker, the ball was tipped up, and you guess it, the ball was picked off. This was Eli’s only turnover of the game, but it turned out to be a costly one, considering the Giants were never the same after that pick.

It was a close, competitive game, but the biggest factors in the G-Men’s loss were the offensive and defensive lines. This much is evident when you see Tony Romo, on his game-winning drive, have enough time in the pocket to binge watch the entire Breaking Bad series. Whereas Eli didn’t even have the time to bring up his Netflix queue. If Romo's pocket was a lazy river, then Eli's pocket was going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

But the big event of this game wasn’t the final score, well at least not for Giants’ fans. The best part of the game, the play that will last in memories much longer than the outcome, was the Odell Beckham Jr. catch. The Spider-Man, the tree frog, the Stretch Armstrong, the claw, the big glue, the Old Dirty Bastard, whatever you want to call it, you will probably have to call it one of the best, if not the best, ever. It was a catch that will forever be in the discussion for the best catch of all time.

Odell Beckham Jr. breaks the internet.

On to the next one.
Giants have a few soft games coming up on their schedule. This Sunday, they travel to Jacksonville to face the Jaguars. It’s a game they should win. It’s a game where if they don’t win, it’s really time to panic on where this team is heading in the future. Even though it doesn’t matter at this point, it would be real nice to see a win for Big Blue.

So What Have I Learned?

When the dust settles on this disappointing season, the Giants MUST address and offensive and defensive line, with the linebacker unit as a close third.

Giant fans react to Odell Beckham being a Giant for a long time.

It turns out that catch didn’t mean anything in terms of winning the playoffs, let alone winning the game. But it does mean something... the Giants have a superstar in the making in Odell Beckham Jr.. This rookie was looking to be a big disappointment by not playing in the preseason and in the first few weeks of the regular season. But his presence since then has more then made up for his lack of playing time. This kid is the real deal. 

 Jerry Reese was sitting on a seat that got warmer every year, but he struck oil like Daniel Plainview when he drafted Odell Beckham Jr. in the first round. ODB probably saved Reese from getting fired. 

Jerry Reese drinks your milkshake.

Week Eleven 2014: Giants vs 49ers

The New York Giants stink. There’s no other way around it. No amount of scented candles, hanging trees, or air freshener sprays can mask the stink of the Giants this year. Last week I compared their stench to week old garbage in a sauna, but now I think the stench can be compared to Jabba the Hutt’s breath.

There are some things that you can smell by using your eyes.

I accepted the fact that the Giants would lose to the 49ers. I made my peace with that the Wednesday before the game. But the fact that Big Blue had the game in their grasps and literally threw their chances away (thanks, Eli), makes this loss unbearable.

Even though he’s played much better this year, this loss falls squarely on the shoulders of Eli Manning. He threw a whopping five interceptions against San Francisco. FIVE! I know Eli is prone to making mistakes but this was a meltdown fit for a Salvador Dali painting. Usually when we see the Eli face, it’s preceded by a mistake made by Rueben Randle. But this wasn’t the case on all of his picks. If I could stomach watching those interceptions over again, I’d see how many of these picks were due to Randle not knowing where he is on this planet. 

"THROW A PICK AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHAF*CKA!"

Interceptions aside, he made some other mistakes. Specifically, I’m talking about when the Giants were facing a first and goal from the four yard line. Remember, this is the new set of downs after Beckham made that incredible catch along the sideline? Well, Big Blue ran four straight fade passes into the end zone without running the ball once. NOT ONCE! Offensive coordinator, Ben McAdoo, who has to ice his back after throwing a grown man under the bus, told reporters that he called for two run plays and Eli changed the plays to passes.

¡OLÉ!

I really didn’t think the offensive line could get any worse. But it turns out I was wrong, very wrong. We all know Justin Pugh isn’t having a good year. So when he got hurt and left the game I didn’t think much of absence. But then Charles Brown came in to replace him. He played less like a right tackle, and more like a matador. Needless to say, it was a bit of a problem during the course of the game.

Even Rashad Jennings, who probably isn’t back at full health yet, struggled this game. I know the 49ers play against the run very well, but it’s disheartening to see because the reemergence of Jennings was supposed to add a dimension to the offense and give the passing game some breathing room.

As always, the receiving corps (aside from Beckham) need help. Randle got banged up twice this game. Now, I’m not a big fan of this guy, but what the hell are the Giants going to do if he gets hurt and misses substantial time? Would we finally see Corey Washington in a full-time roll? I’m not rooting for an injury, I’d never do that, but if that’s what would happen I’d be compelled to throw a few banana peels in front of ol’ Ruebes and roll the dice.

The defense actually played well this game. They were the only reason why the Giants had a shot of winning that game. They gave up yards, but they only allowed one touchdown. That touchdown was a forty-eight yard play. It wasn’t a touchdown that capped off a ten play, ninety yard drive. It was encouraging to see the Giants play this way of defense. They were fired up and they played smart.

On to the next one:
I think it’s safe to say we’ve reached the point in the season where we need to start sifting through this garbage to find moral victories. Beating Dallas at home would be one of those moral victories.
The fact that the Giants defense has been playing considerably worse since their last meeting concerns me quite a bit.
Hopefully the offense can rebound after embarrassing themselves like a kid wetting himself at his first boy/girl party. Geoff Schwartz coming back from injury to replace Justin Pugh can hopefully plug one of the many holes in this sinking lifeboat.

So What Have I Learned?

Ben McAdoo still has to get used to the New York media, which has slightly more teeth than the Wisconsin media. The Green Bay reporters have the teeth equivalent to a goldfish;  New Yorkers have teeth like a great white shark. I understand McAdoo was being honest, but throwing the blame on someone else isn’t how you handle the media. All of the times receivers ran the wrong routes, or dropped balls that resulted in turnovers, Eli never blamed the receivers.

Snitches get stitches, Ben.

Antrel Rolle thinks that Big Blue can run the table and finish the season with nine wins and a have a chance to make the playoffs. In related news, you can see Rolle at the local 7-11 buying a crap-ton of scratch off lottery tickets.

Maybe I should’ve cut Andre Williams some slack on his lack of production the past couple of weeks. It’s hard to say if his struggles were because of his ability, his inexperience, or the line blocking for him.

Oh, and the Giants stink. But, I think you already knew that.

Week Ten 2014: Giants at Seahawks

The Giants had a chance to win this game. They really did. But then one mistake happened and the wheels fell off faster than Andre the Giant sitting on a little kid's tricycle. And it looks like the Giants season is going to suffer the same crushing fate.

After breaking several kid's bikes, Andre the Giant had to resort to ATVs to get around.

Despite the rushing attack of Wilson and Lynch, the Giants were actually ahead at halftime. Then with less than a minute left in the third quarter, with the game tied at seventeen, Eli launches the ball downfield to Odell Beckham Jr.. The under thrown ball was tipped up by Beckham, and then picked off by Earl Thomas.

See? Even their mascot is sick of the 12th man's act.

After that, the Seahawks got all of the momentum, the overcompensating Seattle crowd got back into the game (even after fans nearly getting mauled by a seahawk), and it was all over for the Giants. They just didn’t know it yet. The ‘Hawks just ran the ball down Big Blue’s throat. The Giants even forced two fumbles in one possession, but they couldn’t recover the loose ball, either time.

I could get into a position by position breakdown of the game, but really, who cares? Alright, for the sake of having this post be somewhat substantial, I’ll do the abbreviated version.

Eli Manning didn’t play bad. He had that one bad throw, but he completed sixty-five percent of his catches, and threw a touchdown pass.

Odell Beckham played great. He wasn’t the least bit intimidated by lining up against one of the top defensive backs in the game. Even though he’s only started in a handful of games so far, he’s by far outplaying the other jamokes in the receiving core.

Andre Williams showed flashes of being a good running back, but he’s still isn’t there yet.

The defense stinks. Like week old garbage from a daycare center in a sauna. I really don’t see the point of breaking down the X’s and O’s. I know that JPP and Antrel Rolle were talking about the Giants’ lack of heart, but I think there’s more to be said about a lack of talent. But if I were to talk about X’s and O’s it would be of the hugs and kisses variety because it looks like defensive back Zack Bowman was deathly afraid to tackle Lynch. I mean three hundred and fifty rushing yards given up? Gross.

All in all, this was a good game turned awful. And like I said last week, they aren’t officially out of the playoff hunt yet, but let’s not kid ourselves. The G-Men have no shot of making it. Adam Sandler has a better shot of winning an Oscar than the Giants do of making a playoff run.

On to the next one:
The 49ers are traveling east to New Jersey to battle the Giants. This is their second cross country trip in two weeks. I fear that it’s the only hope the Giants have to win this game. Hopefully Captain Khakis, and his team will be so jet lagged that they forget what a football is. As you can tell, I’m chock full of hope for the Giants to snag a win this Sunday.

Things get real weird at Walmart when they out of khakis in his size.

So what have I learned?

Odell Beckham Jr. is the solitary onion ring in an order of bland french fries. If you don’t understand that, then I mourn for your childhood. He’s the real deal. Even Richard Sherman was impressed by this youngster. It looks like Jerry Reese made a great call by drafting Beckham, and I'm excited to see how he develops in the future.

After exchanging jerseys with both Dez and Sherman, you can tell ODB is already amassing respect from top tier players.

Remember when Jerry Reese said he wanted Eli to be “more aggressive”? Well good things rarely happen when Eli gets aggressive, as you can see with his interception. This is why you see so many third and long screens and run plays.

Rashad Jennings should be relieving Williams of his starting running back duties this coming Sunday. He’ll also be relieving the Giants offense of being one-dimensional.

The defense is banged up more than Daniel LaRusso when he first moved to Reseda, CA. The lack of the Fresh Prince and Jon Beason really took a toll on the rest of the defense. Now Jacquian Williams is suffering from a concussion, so that’s great.

Meet Johnny Lawrence. He'll show you no mercy, but he'll also show you a good time.

Week Nine 2014: Giants vs Colts

The Colts completely destroyed Big Blue on Monday night. All in front of former Giants’ greats like Michael Strahan, Frank Gifford, Harry Carson, and Lawrence Taylor, no less. It was an embarrassment of a game, and it puts the Giants in a situation stickier than the floor of a rundown movie theater.

Ironically, on Strahan's night, the Giants were the ones to get... STOMPED OUT!

Eli didn’t play his best ball against the Colts. He was off target and didn’t seem very comfortable throughout the game. He still managed to get over three hundred and fifty yards and two touchdowns, but most of that game from garbage time in the fourth quarter.

Calm down Parker. Secure the ball, then look for the hit.

To be fair to Eli, the receivers didn’t do much to help him out. Randle still can’t get on the same page as Eli, even in this simpler system. Plus, he had a drop in a huge third down play. Preston Parker, who is as skittish as a deer that’s tweaking out on meth, had a bad case of the dropsies. Every time a defender was bearing down on him when a pass was coming his way, he’d treat the ball like it was a hot potato. Despite the two knuckleheads, Odell Beckham had a good game and continued to build his case on being the next big thing in New York.

The running game struggled again on Monday. Besides a few plays, Andre Williams wasn’t able to get the job done. It’s tough for the offense to get going when you lose a yard or two with the first play of every drive due to a failed rushing attempt. It picked up a bit when Peyton Hillis took over the majority of the workload. It feels weird saying that, but it’s true. 

The offensive line is still busted up. And it only made matters worse that Weston Richburg got hurt. Luckily, it doesn’t seems that serious.

We all figured that the defense wouldn’t be able to handle Luck’s offense, but they actually played well... for the first half. But in the third quarter, the bearded warrior and his team put up twenty one points and the game was all over after that.

The Giants playoff chances are very close to going the way of the dinosaurs. With every loss, the metaphoric giant asteroid that will ultimately destroy their season gains more velocity and there’s nothing that the Giants, Bruce Willis, or Ben Affleck can do about it.

Michael Bay Lesson: Walking in slow motion makes everything seem more important.

On to the Next One:
The Giants have to play the Seahawks in Seattle. I know that the Seahawks aren’t the team they were last year. Winning the Super Bowl can really make a team complacent. Well, that and the stricter defensive holding penalties that were put in place because of the way Seattle played last year. They are still a tough team nonetheless.
I don’t have a good feeling about the game, even though the ‘Hawks have been slumping a bit lately. I have a feeling that Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson are going to go so psycho on the Giants that they’ll make Dandy Mott, from American Horror Story, look like Mickey Mouse.

Dandy wants to be the U.S. Steel of murder. The G-Men are the U.S. Steel of bad football.

So what have I learned?

I wish the Giants were more like a Michael Bay film. By that I mean it would be great if they can put out a piece of crap product for everyone to see and somehow be incredibly successful.

It doesn’t matter how easy the offensive system is, Rueben Randle still has as much football I.Q. as a pile of bricks. Coincidentally, that's what the receivers' hands are made of most of the time.

With DRC banged up and the Fresh Prince out for the year, the already hurting defense is basically dead.

Despite how bad the Giants are still playing, they have a chance of making the playoffs. But the chances are so slim it’s not even worth talking about. Even with the Eagles starting Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo having a back like Batman after fighting Bane, you can write in pen that the Giants won’t make the playoffs.