Week 15: Giants vs Seahawks (My Letter to Santa)

Dear Santa,
   
    I know that you get a lot of letters each year. But it’s mostly kids asking for dolls, action figures, bikes, iPads, or some Elmo toy that can hug you and can make you a sandwich. But I don’t want any toys, or a bike, however. if you want to hook me up with that Breaking Bad barrel box set I wouldn’t complain. But that’s not why I’m writing you.

The lack of heart by the Giants can't be fixed this season.

    I wasn’t expecting the Giants to win against the Seahawks, but they got their asses, sorry I mean heinies, handed to them. The offensive line couldn’t protect Eli, who threw five interceptions. The defense got so worn out because of these turnovers that Seattle just piled on the points. It was a terrible game, and terrible effort overall. It appeared that the Giants’ heart was two sizes too small.
   
    I just want the Giants to turn it around next season. I know that this season is as dead as Jacob Marley, and asking them to finish strong is a miracle too big, even for a man that uses reindeer to fly around the world. So I’ll realistically ask for a good season next year. Or at least a better season. I’d rather stick my tongue to a frozen pole than endure another season like this.

I thtill can't believe how much the Gianth thuck! My tongue hurth tho bad!

    I want Jerry Reese and company to draft players that will be consistent performers for years to come. I don’t want to see them drafting another QB with their fourth pick only to use him during preseason. I want to see the picks of the first four rounds to be used with players that they need right now. At this point, the best available players method should cover their biggest needs considering that they need help in almost every position.
    I know the Giants will have to make some incredibly difficult decisions this off-season also. I have no idea how it will play out, but I hope it can improve the team somehow. This team could look vastly different between this year and next.
   
    Santa, I don’t know what the heck is going on with Eli but I want you to help him turn it around. Maybe give him an instructional book or DVD about how to be a quarterback. Maybe he just needs to unwrap consistent pass blocking on Christmas morning. I know he probably wants a new pair of footie Toy Story pajamas, but he needs this too.

Here Eli, read this book, watch the DVD, then get out of your Toy Story pjs and start practicing.

    Maybe you can give the receivers a Giants playbook this year. This way they know the routes that they are supposed to run. It would also help if you gave them some super strength adhesive to lather their hands with. This would ensure less dropped passes.
    I am also asking for an offensive line that isn’t held together by tape and wrapping paper. It would be nice to see Eli have some time in the pocket. Because when he’s been under pressure this year, his throws look like Buzz’s girlfriend.

Eli, your passes, WOOF!

    The running backs need some help too. Give David Wilson some of that adhesive stuff you’re gonna give the receivers. While your at it, is it possible for you to coat Andre Brown’s bones with Adamantium? I know that’s unlikely, but he’s a good running back. He just can’t stay healthy.

"Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi!"

    Now for the defense, I would like to thank you for giving us Jon Beason early. Everybody down here really appreciates it. But this defense has some issues that need to be addressed. Besides Beason and Paysinger, the linebackers haven’t been very effective. The defensive line had as much of a shot of getting to the quarterback this year as Fuller did not wetting the bed after drinking a bunch of Pepsi. Unfortunately, the Giants’ secondary is so weak that if the d-line doesn’t pressure the
quarterback, they will be lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. But the Giants have had issues with linebackers and the secondary before, but it was masked by a great pass rush. So I added a great pass rush to my Christmas wish list.
      As for the special teams, give special teams coordinator Tom Quinn a lump of coal and send him on his way. During this season, especially early on, the special teams unit was as reliable as Tiny Tim’s legs.

Despite his affliction, Tiny Tim has more heart than the Giants could ever dream of having this season.

    And for the rest of the coaching staff, I don’t think anyone should lose their job. Maybe you can give Gilbride a few more plays than a draw when it’s third and fifteen. That could be helpful. I don’t think Coach Coughlin’s message is as dry as the Griswold’s Christmas turkey, but he isn’t exactly firing up the team the way that Uncle Louis set Clark’s tree on fire. I think the team still believes in him, it was just a year where nothing went right for these misfit toys.

"So what's the matter with you?"

    So there you have it, Santa. This is my wish list letter for you. I hope you can deliver these gifts. But if you can’t make good on these, I’ll gladly settle for that Breaking Bad box set, or even a PS4.

Best Wishes,
                     Grant 

HO HO HO! You ain't gettin' SH*T!