Week 16: Giants at Lions

Well I guess it wasn’t enough for the Giants to break the hearts of their fans this season, so they decided to rip the playoff berth from the Lions’ hands and break all of their fans’ hearts too. But let’s be honest, this was an ugly game of “who wants it less”. Turns out it was Detroit who wanted it less, and their weasel-faced coach, Jim Schwartz, might be out of a job next year. With a face like that, he can always play a villain in movies. Granted, not a bad ass villain like Bane, but more like Paul Reiser's character in Aliens. 

Watch out for that face hugger, you creep!

First Quarter:
The only points this quarter was a Giants’ field goal. That field goal capped off a fifteen play drive.
Score: Giants 3 - Lions 0

Second Quarter:
The Lions scored a field goal on their first possession of the quarter.
After a Giants three and out, the Lions get the ball back. However, Reggie Bush got the ball knocked out by Kiwi and the ball is recovered by Antrel Rolle.
Amazingly, the Giants capitalized on that turnover. Eli Manning threw a twenty yard dart to Cruz’s replacement, Jerrel Jernigen, for a touchdown.
Then on their next possession, Detroit had another turnover. This time it was a pass picked off by Justin Tuck.
Big Blue got a field goal out of that turnover.
Detroit took a knee to end the half.
Score: Giants 13 - Lions 3

Third Quarter:
The start of the second half was all Detroit. The Giants were only about to go three and out twice and Eli got sacked in the endzone for a safety.
On top of that, the Lions’ running back, Joique Bell, rushed for a one yard touchdown.
Score: Giants 13 - Lions 12

Fourth Quarter:
The Lions momentum continued as they scored on their first possession of the fourth quarter. This was a two yard run by Theo Riddick. The Lions then converted a two point conversion to bring their lead to seven points.

Which group has more people, the group who knows who Theo Riddick is or the group who's seen Riddick?

Later in the quarter, it looked like the Lions pulled a play out of the Giants offensive playbook. Stafford missed high on his target Joseph Fauria, the ball was tipped, and then intercepted. Will “The Thrill” Hill was the interceptor and he returned it for a touchdown. The point after by Josh Brown tied up the game.
After that score both sides failed to score any points by the end of the fourth quarter. This awful game, unfortunately, has to go on for a little while longer.
Score: Giants 20 - Lions 20

Overtime:
The Giants get the ball to start the overtime. Michael Cox, the rookie running back who is also their kick returner, returned the opening kick off for fifty-six yards. Then Eli connects with Brandon Myers for a fifteen yard completion. Unfortunately, their dependable running back, Andre Brown, did something that he’s only done twice in his career, fumble the ball. The Lions recovered it.
Thankfully, the Lions couldn’t do anything offensively and they punted the ball away.
The Giants were able to get in field goal range and Josh Brown hits a forty-five yard field goal for the win.
Final Score: Giants 23 - Lions 20

Prince has been long overdue for a nickname.

I was happy to see the Giants stick it out for a hard fought win. There were some positives to take away from this game. For one, the “Fresh Prince” Prince Amukamara, held a somewhat hurt Calvin Johnson in check for the entire game. Kiwanuka and Tuck both did great work on the defensive line. Jerrel Jernigan stepped up nicely as the new slot receiver.

So what have I learned?

Despite him being a knuckle head who got suspended for using pot, and who got arrested for a child support dispute, Will Hill has proven to be a valuable member of the Giants.

You're telling me that this is guy got suspended for weed AND doesn't comply with child support? Get outta town!

There’s only one game left until this awful season is over. I, for one, am anxiously waiting for them to be put of their misery.

Week 15: Giants vs Seahawks (My Letter to Santa)

Dear Santa,
   
    I know that you get a lot of letters each year. But it’s mostly kids asking for dolls, action figures, bikes, iPads, or some Elmo toy that can hug you and can make you a sandwich. But I don’t want any toys, or a bike, however. if you want to hook me up with that Breaking Bad barrel box set I wouldn’t complain. But that’s not why I’m writing you.

The lack of heart by the Giants can't be fixed this season.

    I wasn’t expecting the Giants to win against the Seahawks, but they got their asses, sorry I mean heinies, handed to them. The offensive line couldn’t protect Eli, who threw five interceptions. The defense got so worn out because of these turnovers that Seattle just piled on the points. It was a terrible game, and terrible effort overall. It appeared that the Giants’ heart was two sizes too small.
   
    I just want the Giants to turn it around next season. I know that this season is as dead as Jacob Marley, and asking them to finish strong is a miracle too big, even for a man that uses reindeer to fly around the world. So I’ll realistically ask for a good season next year. Or at least a better season. I’d rather stick my tongue to a frozen pole than endure another season like this.

I thtill can't believe how much the Gianth thuck! My tongue hurth tho bad!

    I want Jerry Reese and company to draft players that will be consistent performers for years to come. I don’t want to see them drafting another QB with their fourth pick only to use him during preseason. I want to see the picks of the first four rounds to be used with players that they need right now. At this point, the best available players method should cover their biggest needs considering that they need help in almost every position.
    I know the Giants will have to make some incredibly difficult decisions this off-season also. I have no idea how it will play out, but I hope it can improve the team somehow. This team could look vastly different between this year and next.
   
    Santa, I don’t know what the heck is going on with Eli but I want you to help him turn it around. Maybe give him an instructional book or DVD about how to be a quarterback. Maybe he just needs to unwrap consistent pass blocking on Christmas morning. I know he probably wants a new pair of footie Toy Story pajamas, but he needs this too.

Here Eli, read this book, watch the DVD, then get out of your Toy Story pjs and start practicing.

    Maybe you can give the receivers a Giants playbook this year. This way they know the routes that they are supposed to run. It would also help if you gave them some super strength adhesive to lather their hands with. This would ensure less dropped passes.
    I am also asking for an offensive line that isn’t held together by tape and wrapping paper. It would be nice to see Eli have some time in the pocket. Because when he’s been under pressure this year, his throws look like Buzz’s girlfriend.

Eli, your passes, WOOF!

    The running backs need some help too. Give David Wilson some of that adhesive stuff you’re gonna give the receivers. While your at it, is it possible for you to coat Andre Brown’s bones with Adamantium? I know that’s unlikely, but he’s a good running back. He just can’t stay healthy.

"Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi!"

    Now for the defense, I would like to thank you for giving us Jon Beason early. Everybody down here really appreciates it. But this defense has some issues that need to be addressed. Besides Beason and Paysinger, the linebackers haven’t been very effective. The defensive line had as much of a shot of getting to the quarterback this year as Fuller did not wetting the bed after drinking a bunch of Pepsi. Unfortunately, the Giants’ secondary is so weak that if the d-line doesn’t pressure the
quarterback, they will be lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. But the Giants have had issues with linebackers and the secondary before, but it was masked by a great pass rush. So I added a great pass rush to my Christmas wish list.
      As for the special teams, give special teams coordinator Tom Quinn a lump of coal and send him on his way. During this season, especially early on, the special teams unit was as reliable as Tiny Tim’s legs.

Despite his affliction, Tiny Tim has more heart than the Giants could ever dream of having this season.

    And for the rest of the coaching staff, I don’t think anyone should lose their job. Maybe you can give Gilbride a few more plays than a draw when it’s third and fifteen. That could be helpful. I don’t think Coach Coughlin’s message is as dry as the Griswold’s Christmas turkey, but he isn’t exactly firing up the team the way that Uncle Louis set Clark’s tree on fire. I think the team still believes in him, it was just a year where nothing went right for these misfit toys.

"So what's the matter with you?"

    So there you have it, Santa. This is my wish list letter for you. I hope you can deliver these gifts. But if you can’t make good on these, I’ll gladly settle for that Breaking Bad box set, or even a PS4.

Best Wishes,
                     Grant 

HO HO HO! You ain't gettin' SH*T!

Week 14: Giants at Chargers

The Giants suck.

There is nothing else I can really say about the matter besides "they suck".  In fact the only silver lining in this dark, Bill Paxton chased storm cloud of a season is that they are mathematically
eliminated early enough in the season. This way I don't have to spend my Christmas season worrying if they'll make the playoffs. Besides a playoff berth, this is the second best gift this terrible team can give me.

Twister is a disaster movie. The Giants' 2013 season was just a disaster.

Listen, I don't need an instant classic here. Just win the damn game.

Honestly, I didn't watch much of the game because I picked the Ravens against the Vikings in a big stakes suicide pool and after having about three heart attacks, and sharting myself twice, I was a little burnt out on football. So I
didn't see the final blow to the Giants' season, and I'm absolutely fine with it.

What have I learned?


I hate it that the Giants won't make the playoffs, and I hate it even more that it was at the hands of the San Diego Chargers. Besides the rest of the NFC East, that is the team I hate the most. I hate the fans, who apparently root more against Eli Manning than root for their constantly blacked out football team. I hate their awkwardly throwing, trash talking, deranged chipmunk of a quarterback.

On one hand I've been to four Pro Bowls, on the other I've never made the Super Bowl. I'll just run around like a lunatic, yelling at fans and officials instead of thinking about it.

The Giants are going to have to make a lot of tough decisions this off-season. There are a lot of marquee players that are on the resigning/release bubble after February. I wouldn't be surprised if the team looks significantly different next year. 

Week 13: Giants at Redskins

“We’re just gonna go out there any have some fun. It doesn’t matter what we’re playing for.” I’m paraphrasing what Eli Manning said before his Sunday Night game against the Washington Redskins. Considering that Grown Ups 2 has a better shot of winning an Oscar than the Giants have of making the playoffs, I’ll look for moral victories wherever I can find them. Beating a bad Redskins’ team is hardly a moral victory, but it will have to suffice for now.

And the Oscar for best picture goes to...

First Quarter:
RGIII started off the game on the right knee as he lead his team on a fifteen play, seven minute drive that ended in an Alfred Morris touchdown.
The Giants responded by going three and out.
Then the Redskins punted the ball back.
Then the Giants punted the ball back to the Redskins.
Two plays into Washington’s possession the quarter ended.
Score: Giants 0 - Redskins 7

Second Quarter:

His name is Logan Paulsen! His name is Logan Paulsen!...

The Redskins continued their drive that started in the first quarter and finished it with a touchdown from RGIII to the Rasputin looking tight end Logan Paulsen. That was Robert’s twelfth completion on his twelfth attempt. Despite him walking like a peg-legged pirate, RGIII looked like his vintage 2012 self.
The G-Men responded with a scoring drive of their own. The Browntown Express was the one who scored on a twenty-three yard rush.
After a Washington punt, a New York punt, and another Washington punt, the Giants put together another scoring drive. This time it was a twenty-two yard pass from Eli to the heavily-bearded tight end, Brandon Myers.
The half ends in the middle of a Redskins possession.
Score: Giants 14 - Redskins 14

Third Quarter:
The second half began with back to back punts by the Giants and Redskins.
However, the punt streak ended with an Eli Manning interception. He threw a high pass to Randle, who couldn’t get a handle on it, and the ball found it’s way into the arms of the  headhunting safety, Brandon Meriweather.
Washington got three points thanks to a field goal from “Cobra” Kai Forbath.
The Giants then punted back to the Redskins, and the Redskins punted the ball right back to the Giants.
The quarter ended after two plays of a Giants’ possession.
Score: Giants 14 - Redskins 17

Fourth Quarter:
New York ended their drive from the third quarter with another touchdown from Andre Brown.
The Redskins then punted.
Then the Giants punted.
Then the Skins punted again.
Big Blue then settles for a field goal.

He doesn't seem to be offended by the team name.

Washington started their drive with two and a half minutes left and only down by a touchdown. RGIII started to look dialed in again like his vintage, first quarter self. On a second and five play, RGIII completes a pass to Pierre Garcon for five yards. It should have been a first down, the chain gang thought it was. But the ball was marked a yard short and no official measurement was requested by the officials. So despite all of the yelling from the red skinned Redskin coach, Mike Shanahan, Washington now had a third and one instead of a first and ten. After an incomplete pass, the Skins were facing a fourth and one. On that play Pierre Garcon caught an RGIII pass for six yards.
However, Garcon gets the ball torn from his arms by Giants’ safety Will Hill.
After two kneel downs by Eli the game was over.
Final Score: Giants 24 - Redskins 17

I know the officials messed up on spotting the ball and signaling what down it was, but the Skins were still able to get a first down on the two plays later. In other words, the officials didn’t hand the game over to the Giants, Will Hill ripped the game out of Pierre Garcon’s hands.

So what have I learned?

The Giants showed a Charlie Conway amount of heart out there on Sunday night. With essentially nothing to play for, and down by fourteen early in the game, Big Blue refused to quit. Justin Tuck was the leader of the team racking up four sacks during the game. He’s only had two and half so far this season.

If the Giants play out the season like Charlie Conway would, I would not be disappointed.

There really isn’t much I can say about the G-Men now. It’ll take a miracle for the Giants to make the playoffs. Like the Giants will have to win the rest of their games, and both the Eagles and Cowboys would have to have explosive diarrhea for the rest of the season. So in other words it’s not happening. But it’s good to see that the Giants aren’t mailing in the rest of the season.