Week 16: Giants at Lions

Well I guess it wasn’t enough for the Giants to break the hearts of their fans this season, so they decided to rip the playoff berth from the Lions’ hands and break all of their fans’ hearts too. But let’s be honest, this was an ugly game of “who wants it less”. Turns out it was Detroit who wanted it less, and their weasel-faced coach, Jim Schwartz, might be out of a job next year. With a face like that, he can always play a villain in movies. Granted, not a bad ass villain like Bane, but more like Paul Reiser's character in Aliens. 

Watch out for that face hugger, you creep!

First Quarter:
The only points this quarter was a Giants’ field goal. That field goal capped off a fifteen play drive.
Score: Giants 3 - Lions 0

Second Quarter:
The Lions scored a field goal on their first possession of the quarter.
After a Giants three and out, the Lions get the ball back. However, Reggie Bush got the ball knocked out by Kiwi and the ball is recovered by Antrel Rolle.
Amazingly, the Giants capitalized on that turnover. Eli Manning threw a twenty yard dart to Cruz’s replacement, Jerrel Jernigen, for a touchdown.
Then on their next possession, Detroit had another turnover. This time it was a pass picked off by Justin Tuck.
Big Blue got a field goal out of that turnover.
Detroit took a knee to end the half.
Score: Giants 13 - Lions 3

Third Quarter:
The start of the second half was all Detroit. The Giants were only about to go three and out twice and Eli got sacked in the endzone for a safety.
On top of that, the Lions’ running back, Joique Bell, rushed for a one yard touchdown.
Score: Giants 13 - Lions 12

Fourth Quarter:
The Lions momentum continued as they scored on their first possession of the fourth quarter. This was a two yard run by Theo Riddick. The Lions then converted a two point conversion to bring their lead to seven points.

Which group has more people, the group who knows who Theo Riddick is or the group who's seen Riddick?

Later in the quarter, it looked like the Lions pulled a play out of the Giants offensive playbook. Stafford missed high on his target Joseph Fauria, the ball was tipped, and then intercepted. Will “The Thrill” Hill was the interceptor and he returned it for a touchdown. The point after by Josh Brown tied up the game.
After that score both sides failed to score any points by the end of the fourth quarter. This awful game, unfortunately, has to go on for a little while longer.
Score: Giants 20 - Lions 20

Overtime:
The Giants get the ball to start the overtime. Michael Cox, the rookie running back who is also their kick returner, returned the opening kick off for fifty-six yards. Then Eli connects with Brandon Myers for a fifteen yard completion. Unfortunately, their dependable running back, Andre Brown, did something that he’s only done twice in his career, fumble the ball. The Lions recovered it.
Thankfully, the Lions couldn’t do anything offensively and they punted the ball away.
The Giants were able to get in field goal range and Josh Brown hits a forty-five yard field goal for the win.
Final Score: Giants 23 - Lions 20

Prince has been long overdue for a nickname.

I was happy to see the Giants stick it out for a hard fought win. There were some positives to take away from this game. For one, the “Fresh Prince” Prince Amukamara, held a somewhat hurt Calvin Johnson in check for the entire game. Kiwanuka and Tuck both did great work on the defensive line. Jerrel Jernigan stepped up nicely as the new slot receiver.

So what have I learned?

Despite him being a knuckle head who got suspended for using pot, and who got arrested for a child support dispute, Will Hill has proven to be a valuable member of the Giants.

You're telling me that this is guy got suspended for weed AND doesn't comply with child support? Get outta town!

There’s only one game left until this awful season is over. I, for one, am anxiously waiting for them to be put of their misery.

Week 15: Giants vs Seahawks (My Letter to Santa)

Dear Santa,
   
    I know that you get a lot of letters each year. But it’s mostly kids asking for dolls, action figures, bikes, iPads, or some Elmo toy that can hug you and can make you a sandwich. But I don’t want any toys, or a bike, however. if you want to hook me up with that Breaking Bad barrel box set I wouldn’t complain. But that’s not why I’m writing you.

The lack of heart by the Giants can't be fixed this season.

    I wasn’t expecting the Giants to win against the Seahawks, but they got their asses, sorry I mean heinies, handed to them. The offensive line couldn’t protect Eli, who threw five interceptions. The defense got so worn out because of these turnovers that Seattle just piled on the points. It was a terrible game, and terrible effort overall. It appeared that the Giants’ heart was two sizes too small.
   
    I just want the Giants to turn it around next season. I know that this season is as dead as Jacob Marley, and asking them to finish strong is a miracle too big, even for a man that uses reindeer to fly around the world. So I’ll realistically ask for a good season next year. Or at least a better season. I’d rather stick my tongue to a frozen pole than endure another season like this.

I thtill can't believe how much the Gianth thuck! My tongue hurth tho bad!

    I want Jerry Reese and company to draft players that will be consistent performers for years to come. I don’t want to see them drafting another QB with their fourth pick only to use him during preseason. I want to see the picks of the first four rounds to be used with players that they need right now. At this point, the best available players method should cover their biggest needs considering that they need help in almost every position.
    I know the Giants will have to make some incredibly difficult decisions this off-season also. I have no idea how it will play out, but I hope it can improve the team somehow. This team could look vastly different between this year and next.
   
    Santa, I don’t know what the heck is going on with Eli but I want you to help him turn it around. Maybe give him an instructional book or DVD about how to be a quarterback. Maybe he just needs to unwrap consistent pass blocking on Christmas morning. I know he probably wants a new pair of footie Toy Story pajamas, but he needs this too.

Here Eli, read this book, watch the DVD, then get out of your Toy Story pjs and start practicing.

    Maybe you can give the receivers a Giants playbook this year. This way they know the routes that they are supposed to run. It would also help if you gave them some super strength adhesive to lather their hands with. This would ensure less dropped passes.
    I am also asking for an offensive line that isn’t held together by tape and wrapping paper. It would be nice to see Eli have some time in the pocket. Because when he’s been under pressure this year, his throws look like Buzz’s girlfriend.

Eli, your passes, WOOF!

    The running backs need some help too. Give David Wilson some of that adhesive stuff you’re gonna give the receivers. While your at it, is it possible for you to coat Andre Brown’s bones with Adamantium? I know that’s unlikely, but he’s a good running back. He just can’t stay healthy.

"Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi!"

    Now for the defense, I would like to thank you for giving us Jon Beason early. Everybody down here really appreciates it. But this defense has some issues that need to be addressed. Besides Beason and Paysinger, the linebackers haven’t been very effective. The defensive line had as much of a shot of getting to the quarterback this year as Fuller did not wetting the bed after drinking a bunch of Pepsi. Unfortunately, the Giants’ secondary is so weak that if the d-line doesn’t pressure the
quarterback, they will be lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. But the Giants have had issues with linebackers and the secondary before, but it was masked by a great pass rush. So I added a great pass rush to my Christmas wish list.
      As for the special teams, give special teams coordinator Tom Quinn a lump of coal and send him on his way. During this season, especially early on, the special teams unit was as reliable as Tiny Tim’s legs.

Despite his affliction, Tiny Tim has more heart than the Giants could ever dream of having this season.

    And for the rest of the coaching staff, I don’t think anyone should lose their job. Maybe you can give Gilbride a few more plays than a draw when it’s third and fifteen. That could be helpful. I don’t think Coach Coughlin’s message is as dry as the Griswold’s Christmas turkey, but he isn’t exactly firing up the team the way that Uncle Louis set Clark’s tree on fire. I think the team still believes in him, it was just a year where nothing went right for these misfit toys.

"So what's the matter with you?"

    So there you have it, Santa. This is my wish list letter for you. I hope you can deliver these gifts. But if you can’t make good on these, I’ll gladly settle for that Breaking Bad box set, or even a PS4.

Best Wishes,
                     Grant 

HO HO HO! You ain't gettin' SH*T!

Week 14: Giants at Chargers

The Giants suck.

There is nothing else I can really say about the matter besides "they suck".  In fact the only silver lining in this dark, Bill Paxton chased storm cloud of a season is that they are mathematically
eliminated early enough in the season. This way I don't have to spend my Christmas season worrying if they'll make the playoffs. Besides a playoff berth, this is the second best gift this terrible team can give me.

Twister is a disaster movie. The Giants' 2013 season was just a disaster.

Listen, I don't need an instant classic here. Just win the damn game.

Honestly, I didn't watch much of the game because I picked the Ravens against the Vikings in a big stakes suicide pool and after having about three heart attacks, and sharting myself twice, I was a little burnt out on football. So I
didn't see the final blow to the Giants' season, and I'm absolutely fine with it.

What have I learned?


I hate it that the Giants won't make the playoffs, and I hate it even more that it was at the hands of the San Diego Chargers. Besides the rest of the NFC East, that is the team I hate the most. I hate the fans, who apparently root more against Eli Manning than root for their constantly blacked out football team. I hate their awkwardly throwing, trash talking, deranged chipmunk of a quarterback.

On one hand I've been to four Pro Bowls, on the other I've never made the Super Bowl. I'll just run around like a lunatic, yelling at fans and officials instead of thinking about it.

The Giants are going to have to make a lot of tough decisions this off-season. There are a lot of marquee players that are on the resigning/release bubble after February. I wouldn't be surprised if the team looks significantly different next year. 

Week 13: Giants at Redskins

“We’re just gonna go out there any have some fun. It doesn’t matter what we’re playing for.” I’m paraphrasing what Eli Manning said before his Sunday Night game against the Washington Redskins. Considering that Grown Ups 2 has a better shot of winning an Oscar than the Giants have of making the playoffs, I’ll look for moral victories wherever I can find them. Beating a bad Redskins’ team is hardly a moral victory, but it will have to suffice for now.

And the Oscar for best picture goes to...

First Quarter:
RGIII started off the game on the right knee as he lead his team on a fifteen play, seven minute drive that ended in an Alfred Morris touchdown.
The Giants responded by going three and out.
Then the Redskins punted the ball back.
Then the Giants punted the ball back to the Redskins.
Two plays into Washington’s possession the quarter ended.
Score: Giants 0 - Redskins 7

Second Quarter:

His name is Logan Paulsen! His name is Logan Paulsen!...

The Redskins continued their drive that started in the first quarter and finished it with a touchdown from RGIII to the Rasputin looking tight end Logan Paulsen. That was Robert’s twelfth completion on his twelfth attempt. Despite him walking like a peg-legged pirate, RGIII looked like his vintage 2012 self.
The G-Men responded with a scoring drive of their own. The Browntown Express was the one who scored on a twenty-three yard rush.
After a Washington punt, a New York punt, and another Washington punt, the Giants put together another scoring drive. This time it was a twenty-two yard pass from Eli to the heavily-bearded tight end, Brandon Myers.
The half ends in the middle of a Redskins possession.
Score: Giants 14 - Redskins 14

Third Quarter:
The second half began with back to back punts by the Giants and Redskins.
However, the punt streak ended with an Eli Manning interception. He threw a high pass to Randle, who couldn’t get a handle on it, and the ball found it’s way into the arms of the  headhunting safety, Brandon Meriweather.
Washington got three points thanks to a field goal from “Cobra” Kai Forbath.
The Giants then punted back to the Redskins, and the Redskins punted the ball right back to the Giants.
The quarter ended after two plays of a Giants’ possession.
Score: Giants 14 - Redskins 17

Fourth Quarter:
New York ended their drive from the third quarter with another touchdown from Andre Brown.
The Redskins then punted.
Then the Giants punted.
Then the Skins punted again.
Big Blue then settles for a field goal.

He doesn't seem to be offended by the team name.

Washington started their drive with two and a half minutes left and only down by a touchdown. RGIII started to look dialed in again like his vintage, first quarter self. On a second and five play, RGIII completes a pass to Pierre Garcon for five yards. It should have been a first down, the chain gang thought it was. But the ball was marked a yard short and no official measurement was requested by the officials. So despite all of the yelling from the red skinned Redskin coach, Mike Shanahan, Washington now had a third and one instead of a first and ten. After an incomplete pass, the Skins were facing a fourth and one. On that play Pierre Garcon caught an RGIII pass for six yards.
However, Garcon gets the ball torn from his arms by Giants’ safety Will Hill.
After two kneel downs by Eli the game was over.
Final Score: Giants 24 - Redskins 17

I know the officials messed up on spotting the ball and signaling what down it was, but the Skins were still able to get a first down on the two plays later. In other words, the officials didn’t hand the game over to the Giants, Will Hill ripped the game out of Pierre Garcon’s hands.

So what have I learned?

The Giants showed a Charlie Conway amount of heart out there on Sunday night. With essentially nothing to play for, and down by fourteen early in the game, Big Blue refused to quit. Justin Tuck was the leader of the team racking up four sacks during the game. He’s only had two and half so far this season.

If the Giants play out the season like Charlie Conway would, I would not be disappointed.

There really isn’t much I can say about the G-Men now. It’ll take a miracle for the Giants to make the playoffs. Like the Giants will have to win the rest of their games, and both the Eagles and Cowboys would have to have explosive diarrhea for the rest of the season. So in other words it’s not happening. But it’s good to see that the Giants aren’t mailing in the rest of the season.

Week 12: Giants vs Cowboys

I see dead playoff hopes.

So the Giants are officially done. They were on death’s doorstep for quite some time. I even considered this season over as early as week five. It turns out the Giants were as dead as Bruce Willis in the The Sixth Sense. They were dead all along, they just didn’t know it yet. I’m going to recap this
game, but it’s going to be brief. This will be like rehashing a breakup. So I’m going to go ahead and put on Thelma and Louise, put on a Fiona Apple album, burn some memorabilia, and start typing.

First quarter:
The game starts off with back to back to back to back punts. This included a sixty-eight yard punt from Weatherford.
Finally something happened and Antrel Rolle picked off Romo on a pass intended for Dez Bryant.
The Giants didn’t waste any time returning the favor as Victor Cruz was stripped of the ball and that was returned for a touchdown.
The quarter ended in the middle of a Giants’ drive.
Score: Giants 0 - Cowboys 7

Second Quarter:
Giants’ continue their drive but had to settle for three points when they couldn’t get a touchdown, even though they had four plays to score from only nine yards out.
Dallas didn’t settle for three points because Romo connected with Jason Witten for a twenty yard touchdown.
The Giants again settled for a field goal on the following drive. This time, they had only four yards to go but couldn’t get six. That’s not how you win football games.
After a few punts back and fourth the half ended.
Score: Giants 6 - Cowboys 14

Third Quarter:
New York starts off with the ball to begin the half. Their drive stalls, but the Giants elect to go for it on fourth and six from the Cowboys’ thirty-five yard line. It didn’t work.
On Dallas’ next drive, receiver Cole Beasley fumbled the ball and it was recovered by the Giants’ Will Hill. But, hold the phone, because Mathias Kiwanuka was flagged for roughing the passer. So the fumble didn’t count. Throw in a helmet to helmet penalty on Antrel Rolle and it all added up to another Romo to Witten touchdown.
On their next drive, Giants’ tight end Brandon Myers capitalizes on a mental lapse from Dallas. Myers was never touched by Dallas when he dove for a pass, he stood up, dusted himself off, and strolled in for a touchdown.
Dallas punted the ball on their next drive.
After two plays of the Giants’ drive, the quarter ended.
Score : Giants 13 - Dallas 21

Fourth Quarter:
The Giants and Cowboys punted back to back to back to back again. This included a sixty-seven yard boot from Weatherford.
On the Giants’ third possession this quarter, they FINALLY get into the end zone while being less than ten yards out. This touchdown was a pass from Eli to Louis Murphy. The Giants were able to tie the game up with a two point conversion from Andre Brown.
All the Giants had to do was force the Cowboys to punt and the game would go into overtime. But that didn’t happen.
Romo wasn’t under any pressure and, more importantly, he didn’t make any mistakes. The Cowboys drove downfield and drained all of the time on the clock before they kicked the last second, game winning field goal. The Giants’ season is now officially over.
Final Score: Giants 21 - Cowboys 24

This loss ripped my heart out. Like I was one of those sacrificial slaves in the Temple Of Doom. Any chance they had of making the playoffs were cut down with that loss to the Cowboys.

"KALI MA! KALI MAA!"

The Cowboys straight up outplayed the Giants. They were the better team that day.  Can’t complain about the officiating. Cruz’s forward progress wasn’t stopped when he fumbled, that roughing the passer call was soft but a lot of those calls are to begin with, and the Giants got away with a pass interference call.

So what have I learned?

The Giants’ trash talk was about effective as bear hunting with a Super Soaker. They play much better when they other team is talking and they use their mantra, “Talk is cheap, play the game”.

Yup, this air pump water blaster should do the trick...

Those four wins were against mediocre teams at best. They played a good Dallas team on Sunday and they lost. In heartbreaking fashion. Maybe those wins really were a product of inferior teams, not because of the Giants’ playing so much better.

This just wasn’t the Giants’ year. Now that the season is unofficially over I don’t have to waste my December getting tortured by the Giants’ inconsistency. There will be no more “So you’re tellin' me there’s a chance!” talk. Let’s just get through the season as healthy as possible, and try to reload to be contenders next season.

Week 11: Giants vs Packers

The Giants are officially on fire after that win against the Packers. Yes, I know that Aaron Rodgers was on the sidelines looking like a serial killer/pedophile, but it’s still a good team. Alright, a decent team. Regardless it was good team effort and the Giants are still alive in this junk heap of a division.

The Giants, so hot right now. Giants.

First Quarter:
The Giants and Packers exchanged punts to start the game, but on the Giants second possession, Eli connected with Rueben Randle on a twenty-six yard pass.
In response to that touchdown, the Packers ended up going three and out and punting back to the G-Men.
The Giants run eight plays, including a fourth and one conversion with the help of Brandon Jacobs, to end the first quarter.
Score: Giants 7 - Packers 0

Second Quarter:
The Giants continued their drive from the end of the first quarter but settled for a field goal.
Green Bay kicked a field goal as well on their next drive.
When Big Blue got the ball back, it looked like they were putting together another long scoring drive. They even got another fourth and one conversion from Jacobs. However, on a third and long at Green Bay’s fifteen yard line, Manning and receiver Louis Murphy weren’t on the same page and Eli was picked off. Murphy was wide open, and standing still so the ball was thrown to him. Unfortunately, as soon as Eli was throwing the ball, Murphy breaks to the inside and Packers’ cornerback Tramon Williams was there to capitalize on the miscommunication. That pick was easier than finding Ridiculousness or Guy Code on MTV.

It's like America's Funniest Videos, but only it's viral videos and the hosts are annoying.

The Packers couldn’t capitalize on the turnover and punt the ball away.
The G-Men also punted the ball away.
To end the half, Packers’ kicker Mason Crosby boots a fifty-seven yard field goal. That’s a crazy long field goal. Especially in the windy MetLife Stadium.
Score : Giants 10 - Packers 6

Third Quarter:
The second half began with a Packers’ possession. Jon Beason ended the drive abruptly when he picked off Packers’ replacement quarterback Scott Tolzien.
The Giants get three points from that turnover.
Green Bay’s following possession stalled and they elected to punt on a fourth and twelve. However, Louis Murphy, yes the same Murphy that ran from the ball, ran into the Packers’ punter and which was a five yard penalty. Now they Pack is looking at a fourth and seven. They lined up in the punt formation but they tried some shenanigans and run a fake punt running play. Thankfully, Spencer Paysinger sniffed it out and prevented the Packers from getting a first down.
After that turnover on downs, the Giants drove downfield and finished off the drive with a one yard touchdown run by Brandon Jacobs.
The Packers ran one play to finish the quarter.
Score: Giants 20 - Packers 6

Fourth Quarter:
To start off the fourth quarter, the Packers make some big plays, including a fifty-two yard pass from Tolzien to Jarrett Boykin. This drive ended with a beastly run by Eddie Lacy.

"What seems to be your boggle?"

The Giants settled for a punt on their next drive.
So while in the huddle, before the Packers following drive, JPP told his teammates that he was going to pick off Tolzien on the next play. And what happened? The Haitian of Domination, with his near Simon Phoenix hair, not only picked off Tolzien, but he took it to the house to hammer down the final nail in the game’s coffin.
After a Packers’ punt, a Giants’ punt, an Antrel Rolle interception, a Giants’ punt, and a Packers’ possession that goes nowhere, the Giants walk off the field with their fourth win in a row.
Final Score: Giants 27 - Packers 13

This was the most complete game the Giants have played this year. The defense was solid as usual. The offense looked sharper. And the special teams didn’t play like a bunch of drunk, one-legged monkeys. It was a solid effort on all three phases of the game.

The games are only going to get more important as Dallas comes into town. You know that the Giants really need this one. Both in the standings and for revenge purposes.

So what have I learned?

It was nice to see the Haitian of Domination playing at a high level again. If he can keep up this level of play, the already stout defense will become so much better.

It’s crazy that the defense is keeping the Giants relevant. In August, I thought for sure it would be the offense that made the team run.

It’s also encouraging that the Giants’ offense is running more smoothly. They still need some work, but it’s good to see. I think the return of Andre Brown is the reason for Big Blue’s turnaround. Even though every time I see him get tackled I’m worried that he’s going to shatter like a frozen T-1000.

Andre Brown looked fine, until his entire body broke off into a million pieces.

This next game is a must win for the Giants. If they don’t beat Romosexual and the Cowboys, it could very well mean the end of the season for the G-Men. But if they win, it’s another step toward the playoffs in this crazy season.

Week 10: Giants vs Raiders

Three games in a row. The Giants have won three games in a row. They haven’t been the prettiest wins, and they haven’t exactly been against juggernauts, but a win is a win. Let’s get into it...

First Quarter:

Not only is he sexy, he's a great actor too.

This game against the Oakland Raiders started off as pretty as a shirtless Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Giants’ returner Jerrel Jernigan coughs up the ball on the opening kick off. The ball is snagged by the Raiders’ Taiwan Jones and retuned to the Giants’ five yard line.
Raiders’ QB Terrelle Pryor ended up running the ball in for the score.
The Giants go three and out on their following drive.
On the Raiders’ next drive, they go seven plays, but settle for a punt. During the punt, rookie Damontre Moore blocked the kick and it was recovered and housed by rookie Cooper Taylor.
The Raiders got the ball back but punted the ball away. This time it was successful.
New York couldn’t make anything happen on their next drive because of a Peyton Hillis fumble. To be honest, he shouldn’t have gotten the ball in the first place, because it was a screen pass on a third and twenty.
The Raiders ended up getting three points from that turnover with the help from their tubby kicker, Sebastian Janikowski.
The Giants punted the ball away on their next drive.
After one Raiders’ play, the quarter ended.
Score: Giants 7 - Raiders 10

Second Quarter:
Oakland punts with their first drive of the quarter.
Eli and his rag-tag team of misfits somehow manage to assemble an eleven play drive that ended with a five yard touchdown pass from Eli to Randle.
The Raiders punt again.
On the following drive, Eli got picked off by Tracy Porter. Porter then returned the interception for a touchdown. Like I said before, it was an ugly game.
With over a minute left, Coach Coughlin decided to run the clock out, and not take a shot for another score.
Score: Giants 14 - Raiders 17

Third Quarter:
The Raiders got the ball at the beginning of the half, and the drive ended with their tubby kicker

Nice job, Sebas! Pizza party after the game to celebrate!

blasting a field goal.
The Giants punt the ball back to Oakland.

On his next drive, Terrell Thomas picked off a pass from Terrelle Pryor, and almost took it to the house. But, Thomas almost fumbled the ball. That would have been Terrell-able. GET IT?!
Fortunately, he didn’t fumble and the Giants started their drive on the Raiders’ five yard line. This was Andre Brown’s first game back since his injury during the pre-season, and he came back in a big way with a touchdown run. Looks like the Browntown Express is back on the rails.    
Oakland’s next drive stalls and they punt the ball away. This ended the quarter.
Score: Giants 21 - Raiders 20

Fourth Quarter:
Andre Brown was the star of this opening drive as he ran the ball seven times out of fourteen plays. This drive ended in a field goal.
The Raiders couldn’t get anything going on on their next drive. Especially since Rolle sacked Pryor for a nine yard loss. They wind up punting.
The Giants go three and out and end up punting as well. 
With almost five minutes left in the game Oakland gets the ball back to try to regain the lead. However, Mathias Kiwanuka sacks Pryor and knocks the ball loose. The Giants’ Cullen Jenkins recovers the ball.
The Giants, with the help of the Browntown Express, run the clock out and head into the locker room with their third consecutive win.
Final Score: Giants 24 - Raiders 20

This was a huge win for Big Blue. But at this point, every win is a huge win.

The games are only going to get more crucial with the next three games are against the Rodgersless Packers, a Cowboys team that’s missing Sean Lee, and the Redskins who at the very best are as good as the Giants. This series of games could really change the landscape of the NFC East.

So what have I learned?

The Giants’ defense is carrying this team. It’s up to the offense to step up and start playing up to their potential. I don’t know what their problem is. Maybe they need some inspiration. Not Batkid inspiration, because that’ll just bring everyone to tears. They need something like a Jonathan Moxon halftime speech inspiration.

It's the inspiration this team deserves, but not the inspiration it needs right now.

The offense isn’t far off from breaking out. Eli and his receivers are very close to connecting on a lot of those passes. Once that gets figured out, the offense can really explode.

Terrell Thomas, who is sometimes referred to as T2, really is like the Terminator. After three ACL surgeries, he still has his eyes on the mission at hand.

It is great to have Andre Brown back. The Giants were missing a consistent running back like him. Unfortunately, Brown is as durable as a wet pinata. Hopefully he can stay healthy for the rest of the year. Maybe he shouldn't get thirty carries a game.

The big punt block and return were executed by two rookies. It’s good to see that the Giants have some big play ability with two of their young players.

Three and six was the Redskins record last year and they ended up winning the division. As long as the Giants have a breath, they have a chance.

Bye Week: Five Best Wins and Losses (in my biggest fan years)

Since the Giants are on a bye this week, I don’t have much to discuss. And since the Giants have gone from Super Bowl winners a year and a half ago, to a measly two and six this year, I figured that it would be fitting to talk about the five best wins and five best losses for the Giants over the past couple of years. Mostly through the latter Fassel/Collins years and the Coughlin/Manning years.
Some of these games I look over in great fondness. Some of them make me want to throw my computer through a window.

Worst Losses:

Honorable mentions:

Panthers at Giants - 2005/2006 Playoffs NFC Wild Card Round
Score: CAR 23 - NYG 0
January 8th, 2006
This game sticks out because this was the Giants first playoff shutout in twenty years. New York was out matched on every level. These games happen, but the fact it happened in the playoffs puts it into consideration.

Cowboys at Giants
Score: DAL 35 - NYG 32
September 15th, 2003
“The Matt Bryant Game”
If this was a playoff game, or was late in the year, it would be in the top five. If you remember this game, the Giants scored eighteen points in the fourth quarter to get the lead with only eleven seconds left. Matt Bryant, the Giants kicker, was told to squib kick the ball instead of the usual kick off. The ball goes out of bounds which is an illegal procedure penalty. With the good field position from the penalty and only eleven ticks off the clock, the ‘Boys tie the game and eventually win in overtime. Here’s a game that was blown by special teams. Spoiler alert... it’s not the only one I talk about. 

Here are the official top 5.

Yeah, keep leaning, jerk. It's still wide left.

5 - Giants at Seahawks
Score: SEA 24 - NYG 21
November 27th, 2005
“The Jay Feely Game”
Getting a win in Seattle can be tough. But it’s damn near impossible when your kicker missed three consecutive field goals. The first of three misses was with four seconds left in regulation. That would have sent the Giants back home with a win. Feely then missed two field goals in overtime. IN OVERTIME! I would say that this game was like Feely kicking Giants’ fans in the teeth, but he’d probably miss. Chalk up another heartbreaker to a special teams flub up.

4 - Giants vs Ravens - Super Bowl XXXV
Score: BAL 34 - NYG 7
January 28, 2001
This was just a straight up ass whoopin’. Like Daniel LaRusso getting attacked by a bunch of black belts high schoolers dressed as skeletons. Even when the Giants got some momentum with a kick off return for a touchdown, the Ravens took the momentum back when they returned the following kick off with a touchdown of their own. But for as bad as it was, at least they made it to the Super Bowl. So there’s that silver lining.

3 - Giants vs Eagles - 2008/2009 NFC Divisional Round
Score: PHI 23 - NYG 11
January 11, 2009
Coming off a Super Bowl winning season, the Giants were in good shape to repeat by having a record of eleven and one. But then in the middle of the season, their stud receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg. They ended up finishing with a twelve and four record.
After having a bye for the Wild Card round, the Giants squared off against the Eagles. It did not go well. The Giants could not score one single touchdown during the game. Considering it was their shot to have back-to-back Super Bowl wins, this loss really stings.

2 - Giants vs Eagles
Score: PHI 38 - NYG 31
December 19, 2010
“The Matt Dodge Game”
For a regular season loss, this was more of a heartbreaker than the ending of Old Yeller. Giants' punter, Matt Dodge, was a colossal screw up. He made Amanda Bynes look like Maya Angelou.

"Roses are red, oysters are shucked; Glad Dodge is gone, 'cause that guy sucked."

At the beginning of the fourth quarter, the Giants were up thirty-one to ten. But the Eagles scored
three touchdowns in six minutes to tie the game up at thirty-one. Since the “winning the game in four quarters” ship has sailed, the Giants were going to try to win the game in overtime. With only a few seconds to go in regulation, all Dodge had to was punt the ball out of bounds, away from the explosive DeSean Jackson, and the Giants will live to see another day. However, Dodge kicks the ball right to Jackson and Jackson proceeded to return the punt for a touchdown to win the game for the Eagles. It looks like the Giants still can’t figure out how to cover a punt return.

1 - Giants at 49ers - 2002/2003 NFC Wild Card Round
Score: SF 39 - NYG 38
January 5, 2003
“The Trey Junkin/Blown Call Game”
This game was the perfect storm of a horrible game. It was a playoff game, the Giants gave up a big lead, there was a monumental screw up by someone on the team, and the officials didn’t do their job correctly so their season, and their Super Bowl aspirations, ended with a blown call.
When the fourth quarter started the Giants were up thirty-eight to twenty-two. Then the 49ers score seventeen points to take a one point lead. But here’s where the game from bad, to disastrous:

I dunno, looks like a mugging to me.

Meet Trey Junkin. He was a long time NFL long snapper who came out of retirement to play for the Giants during the playoffs. With only a few seconds left of the game the Giants line up for a game-winning field goal. Junkin botches the snap and all hell breaks loose. Matt Allen, the Giants’ place holder, tried make some magic happen and throw the ball downfield. Offensive lineman Tam Hopkins was flagged as an ineligible man downfield. But a penalty wasn’t called when Rich Seubert, who was an eligible receiver, was in position to catch the ball that Matt Allen chucked in the air, but was absolutely mugged by the 49ers defensive end Chike Okeafor. A pass interference penalty should have been called. This means that there should have been offsetting penalties and the Giants should have gotten another crack at a game winning field goal. But no such luck as the Giants blow a big lead and the refs blow a big call. But it’s okay, because the Giants got an official apology from the NFL’s director of officiating, Mike Pereira.

Best Wins:

"That's my quarterback, and this is my sad face."

5 - Giants at Cowboys - 2007/2008 NFC Divisional Round
Score: NYG 21 - DAL 17
January 13, 2008
“The ‘That’s my Quarterback’ Game’”
There wasn’t really anything special about this game. The Giants just played better than the Cowboys. The fact that the Giants beat the Cowboys in Dallas to end their season was reason enough to include this game. Plus, the loss made Terrell Owens cry over his Cabo sun tanned quarterback, Tony Romo, so that’s a nice cherry on the “Romo can’t win the big one” sundae.

4 - Giants at 49ers - 2011/2012 NFC Championship
Score: NYG 20 - SF 17
January 22, 2012
“The Kyle Williams Game”
This game was a tough, gritty, old school football game. The Giants, especially Eli Manning, showed a lot of guts this game. He got his ass kicked almost every possession the Giants had. But he hung in there and played well, and didn’t make any mistakes.
Fortunately for the Giants, the 49ers made two costly mistakes. Both were committed by the 9ers return man, Kyle Williams. On the first a punt grazed his leg ever so slightly, and the Giants recovered the live ball. The Giants scored on that drive. His second fumble was during a punt return in overtime. The Giants recovered that ball as well and that set the Giants up with the game winning field goal. It certainly wasn’t a pretty game, but it showed the Giants had grit, and of course, it brought the Giants to the Super Bowl.

3 - Giants at Packers - 2007/2008 NFC Championship
Score: NYG 23 - GB 20
January 20, 2008

Coughlin should really stand near the heaters.

At a brutally cold Lambeau Field, with the game time temperature at negative one degree, and a wind chill of twenty nine below, it was the third coldest game in NFL history. Just ask Coach Tom Coughlin. His face looked like a pork chop with freezer burn. This was another hard fought game in the elements. It ended up going into overtime where Corey Webster intercepted a Brett Favre pass. This resulted in a forty-seven yard field goal by former Giants' kicker, and current MRSA patient, Lawrence Tynes, sending the Giants to the Super Bowl.

2 - Giants vs Patriots - Super Bowl XLVI
Score: NYG 21 - NE 17
February 5, 2012
This was the second Super Bowl matchup of the Giants and the Patriots in four years. This game wasn’t as exciting as their previous meeting. But there were enough exciting plays to make this game very interesting. Chase Blackburn boxing out a hobbled Gronk to intercept one of Brady’s passes. Brady barely overthrowing a wide open Welker. Manning’s incredible throw to Mario Manningham down the sideline. Bradshaw’s anti-climactic, deuce-dropping run into the end zone for the lead. The final second throw by Brady that almost landed in Gronk’s hands, and almost gave me a heart attack.
This game ended in a fourth quarter comeback, which shouldn’t surprise anybody, because that’s how so many games that season were played. Eli said during training camp that season that he was an “elite” quarterback. Well, that gosh darn quarterback proved it with his second Super Bowl MVP.

1 - Giants vs Patriots - Super Bowl XVII
Score: NYG 17 - NE 14
February 3, 2008
“One Giant Loss”
This will be the game that I’ll tell my grandkids about. This was the ultimate David and Goliath story. An undefeated Patriots team that spent the season ripping teams apart, played a team that clinched a wild card spot in week sixteen. They met on the final week of the season and the Giants put up one hell of a fight, but ultimately lost to the Patriots.

See, Tarantino's movies aren't that bloody..

To say this game was close is to say that Tarantino movies are only a bit bloody. A Patriots team that was running up the score on teams was held to only fourteen points. This was due to the pressure that the Giants front four was bringing. But it took more than that. This was the game that Eli fastened the belt on his big boy pants. That last drive of his demanded that he’d be taken seriously by the rest of the league. That one play in particular, you know, the escape from the grasp of a defensive tackle and chucking the ball to Tyree only to have him catch the ball with his helmet. It could be called luck, but do you know what luck is? When hard work meets opportunity.
This is arguably the best Super Bowl ever, and it’s no surprise why. It also shouldn’t be a surprise why this is the best Giants’ win, definitely in the past fifteen years, possibly in Giants history. 

Week 8: Giants at Eagles

Well, I never thought I’d say these words this year, but the Giants find themselves in the middle of a win streak. Well, not the middle, more like a modest beginning of a win streak.

I really thought they were done for, but much like Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Michael Myers, they aren’t dying off quietly. This all might be as premature as Christmas commercials airing before Halloween, but it seems that the Giants could be back in the division, and could be slowly and steadily walking after running and stumbling promiscuous teens. The teens being the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, and Washington R-words. Somehow you know they’ll catch up.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and hide yo husbands!

Let’s get into this big win for the Giants against the Eagles.

First Quarter:

"Sweet moves, Antrel!"

New York starts off receiving the ball. They end up going three and out, and Weatherford kicks a short punt.
The Eagles take over offensively with the hamstrung, sworn enemy of Sarah McLachlan, Mike Vick, under center. On third down of their possession, Vick throws a pass that is picked off by Antrel Rolle. Unfortunately, Rolle and a few other Giants did a Globo Gym Purple Cobras victory dance, and they were flagged for a fifteen yard penalty.
After the pick and dance, the Giants get the ball back. They put together a nine play drive that ends with a Josh Brown field goal. Get ready to read his name a lot.
Philly doesn’t do much in response to the Giants field goal as they go three and out.
On their next drive, the Giants score another three points with the help of Josh Brown.
The Eagles build on their previous three and out drive and earn two first downs before eventually punting the ball away.
After two plays of the Giants following possession, the first quarter wraps up.
Score: Giants 6-Eagles 0

Second Quarter:
The Giants continue their drive that began in the first quarter. The drive ends with, you guessed it, a field goal by Josh Brown. It could have been a touchdown. The Giants were on the doorstep of the end zone, but an illegal formation by Pugh took the Giants back five yards. After three consecutive incomplete passes, they went for the field goal.
Vick and the Eagles take over again, and punt again. But after the drive, a shaken up Vick takes a seat on the bench, and rookie QB Matt Barkley straps on his helmet and starts to loosen up.
Giants get another field goal. This game is becoming as repetitive as the SAW movies.

"Do you want to play a game... of football?"

On their next drive, the Eagles do their best to break up the predictability. Barkley lines up under center, not Vick. The very first play, Barkley fumbles the snap but recovers it. He then throws it to a wide open Brent Celek for a nine yard gain. As a long-time Giants’ fan, stuff like that worries me a lot. My worries continue to be validated as Barkley is driving down the field with ease. With Philly knocking on the door of the Giants’ end zone, it looks like the Eagles can get right back in this game. But the comeback kid, Terrell Thomas, sacked Barkley and stripped the ball. It was recovered by Jacquian Williams.
The half ends in the middle of the Giants’ possession.
Score: Giants 12-Eagles 0

Third Quarter:
With Barkley still leading this team, the Eagles put together a twelve play drive. However, it was only for forty-three yards so they end up punting.
The Giants' next drive still ended with a kick. But it wasn’t Josh Brown’s foot, it was Steve Weatherford’s. It was a Feaglesesque punt, the ball sailing out of bounds at Philadelphia’s five yard line. 
The Eagles go three and out and punt the ball away.
Then when the Giants’ next drive stalls, WeatherFeagles kicks a coffin corner punt so beautiful that it would make Dracula himself weep.
With the Eagles starting a drive on their own three yard line, they go three and out again.
The Giants run a handful of plays before the third quarter ends.
Score: Giants 12-Eagles 0

Fourth Quarter:
The Giants drive ends with yet another field goal by Brown.
The Eagles Punt.
The Giants Punt.
The Eagles Punt.
It looks like the Giants were about to punt again, but instead Zak Deossie launches a ball over Weatherford’s head. Weatherford chases after the ball towards the Giants’ end zone. What he should have done was kick the ball through the Giants end zone for a safety, hell, he should have at least covered up the ball. Instead, he runs over the ball and the Eagles scoop it up for a touchdown.
The Eagles decide to go for the onside kick with just over four minutes left in the game. However, it was an unsuccessful attempt as the Giants recover the ball.
The Giants end up punting the ball after draining over three minutes off of the clock.
With only twenty-seven seconds left in the game, the Eagles try to score a touchdown and hopefully get a two point conversion to tie up the game. But Barkley was instead intercepted by Will Hill. That put the final nail in the coffin.
The Giants kneel the ball the end the game.
Final Score: Giants 15-Eagles 7

If the Giants lost this game, that’d be the season. But this win gives them a bit more life and a bit more confidence. The lack of touchdowns still concern me, especially against a poor defense. The defense, especially against the run, still looks very impressive. Maybe, just maybe, the Giants have turned their team around.

So what have I learned?

Although he’s responsible for a fifteen yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, Antrel Rolle is the heart of this defense.

The Giants’ special team coach, Tom Quinn, will most likely be looking for another job in the spring. The special teams this year has been more awful than The Wicker Man. The Nicolas Cage version.

"You know Nic, the specials teams have been really crappy this year..."

I’m not sure if the bye week at this time helps them or hurts them. I don’t know if it will take away from the Giants’ confidence but maybe it will give them time to prepare themselves for the last half of the season.

So can the Giants rise from the dead like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers? Only time will tell.

Week 7: Giants vs Vikings

Well, the Giants finally won a game. It only took them seven tries and one awful opponent to achieve it, but it was still a win. This game was hard to watch at times, like the Kathy Bates’ hot tub scene in About Schmidt. In their previous games, there were bright spots and areas of concern. This game was no different. Let’s dive in head first into this ugly win, not the jacuzzi.

...then things started getting weird at the Jersey Shore house.

1st Quarter:
The game starts off with the Giants on offense. Eli and the Giants put together a seventeen play drive which lasted over nine minutes. Unfortunately on a third and three, Eli slightly overthrows Nicks in the end zone and the Giants have to settle for three.
The Vikings punt the ball away on their first drive.
New York’s following drive stalls so they punt the ball away as well. However, the punt coverage proved to be as useful as a lead life preserver. Not only do they give up a touchdown, but they commit two penalties while giving up the touchdown, so that’s a plus. 
The Giants get the ball back and run one play to end the quarter.
Score: Giants 3-Vikings 7

2nd Quarter:
This fifteen minute chunk of football was pretty tough to sit through. The quarter starts off with both teams going three and out.
After the Vikings punt, the Giants put together a seven play drive that culminates with a twenty-four yard touchdown pass from Eli to Wrong Page Randle.
Another key play was on the Vikings next drive. They drive down to the Giants’ thirty-five yard line when they get stopped on third down. Vikings’ kicker Blair Walsh attempts the fifty-three yard field goal but it didn’t have the distance.
After that missed attempt, the Giants and Vikings just punted to each other for the rest of the half. It was awful.
Score: Giants 10-Vikings 7

3rd Quarter:
Minnesota starts off the half with a drive that doesn’t go very far so they elected to punt the ball away. However, good ol’ Wrong Page coughs up the ball on a punt return and the Vikings get another chance of at least tying the game. But that turnover was wasted as Antrel Rolle intercepts a beauty of a pass from Josh Freeman.

Usually when I need Pepto during a game, it's because of eating wings.

Then the Giants go three and out.
Then the Vikings go three an out.
Then the Giants go three and out again, but this punt return was fumbled by Marcus Sherels, the same guy who housed a punt before.
Then everyone watching the game begins to get nauseous.
But the Giants don’t waste this turnover as newcomer Peyton Hillis rumbles into the end zone for a one yard touchdown.
Then the Vikings punted again.
The Giants start to wrap up the game when the third quarter ends.
Score Giants 17-Vikings 7

4th Quarter:
New York continues the drive that was started in the third quarter, and they finish it with a field goal from Josh Brown.
On the Giants kickoff after their field goal, Vikings return man, Sharrif Floyd, fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered. If you weren’t sure that this game was a prime example of hungover Thanksgiving Day football in pads, then this play confirmed it.
The Giants went three and out but they were able to grab another three points with another field goal by Brown.
The rest of the game included Josh Freeman throwing the ball to people on sidelines and in the crowd, and the Giants running out the clock.
Final Score: Giants 23-Vikings 7

"22's the Mike! OMAHA!"

To be honest, winning a game against a Josh Freeman led Vikings’ team is like beating a pee-wee team. The only problem is that the pee-wee team was giving the Giants some trouble early on in the game.

There are some things that the Giants did well on Monday night. They held Adrian Peterson to a measly twenty-eight yards rushing. There was finally pressure on the quarterback. Hillis looked good in the passing game, in terms of blocking and receiving. The offensive play calling was effective.

But don’t worry, the Giants still give you plenty of reasons to be concerned. They still gave up another punt return for a touchdown. That makes three for the season. Eli was close to getting picked off three times, luckily the Vikings’ secondary has worse hands than Hakeem Nicks. Speaking of which, you’d think that Nicks would be better at catching balls with those monster hands of his. It also doesn’t help that Eli was off target on some of his throws.

So what have I learned?

Jon Beason is a beast for the Giants. At first I didn’t think he’d contribute much to the team, but he’s been an essential part of the Giants’ defense.

Hillis will be serviceable as a third down back for the Giants, but I don’t expect him to be the work horse of the running game.

So for as sloppy as the game was, this was a crucial win for the Giants. Not only was it their first win of the season, but this win gives Big Blue some confidence heading into the second half of the season. Do I think this will spark a playoff run? No, but it may make for more enjoyable Sunday nights.

Week 6: Giants at Bears

At least they didn’t get blown out. Is that a good enough consolation prize for a now 0-6 football team? Personally, I’d prefer the consolation prizes from Family Double Dare, but then again, I’ve always wanted a personal Karaoke machine.

Obviously I'd rather go to Space Camp, but this will do.

When I think about the previous losses that the Giants have endured, losing by six points to a good Bears team in Chicago isn’t that bad. In fact, if the Giants had actually won a couple of games this season, this game would just be one of those “heartbreaker” games that didn’t go their way.

1st Quarter:
The Giants win the coin toss and elect to receive the ball. Good start. Then Eli Manning, who is trying to beat Brett Favre’s career interception total in one season, throws a pick on a pass intended for Rueben “Wrong Page” Randle. So much for that good start.

"Hey, Eli! Come over and I'll show you the ropes. First off, do you have a camera phone?"

The Bears’ offense, led by the pouty-faced Jay Culter, takes the field at the Giants’ twelve yard line. However, the Giants’ defense held strong and the Bears ended up getting denied on a fourth and two rush attempt.
So with the momentum shifting back to the Giants’ favor, the offense took the field. It’s their time to capitalize on that defense stop. Eli doesn’t disappoint as he throws a touchdown, to Bears’ defensive back Tim Jennings.
Despite that pick six, the Giants came back out swinging. They put together a ten play, eighty yard drive, capped off with a rushing touchdown by the rejuvenated Brandon Jacobs.
After that long scoring drive, the Bears started to manufacture a long scoring drive of their own. The quarter ends halfway through their drive.
Score: Giants 7-Bears 7

2nd Quarter:
At the beginning of the quarter the Bears finish off their drive with a ten yard pass to Brandon Marshall.
The Giants recovered nicely, and scored on the following drive on a thirty-seven yard pass from Manning to good ol’ Wrong Page.
In response the Giants’ touchdown, the Bears drive down the field again and finish it off with a touchdown pass from Cutler to, you guess it, Brandon Marshall. This game has turned into a real shootout.
Well, that is until the Giants go three and out on the following possession.
Chicago responds with a field goal.
Halftime: Giants 14-Chicago 24

3rd Quarter:
With Chicago already up by ten points, they start off with the ball in the second half. It could've been devastating if the Bears got a touchdown on that drive. Luckily, the Giants held them to a fifty-two yard field goal.
So after an effective first half of the Giants’ running game, Gilbride and company decided it was in the Giants best interest to start their second half with three straight passes. Needless to say that drive stalled and ended in a punt.
The Bears end up punting the ball away on the following drive.
On their next possession, the Giants pulled their heads out of their asses and start to run the ball with Jacobs again. And surprise, surprise, the drive ended in a one yard touchdown run by Jacobs.
Score: Giants 21-Bears 27

4th Quarter:

At least this isn't the new Eli face.

Alright, it was gut-check time for Big Blue. They’ve been awful in the fourth quarter. Like Kristen Stewart’s personality awful. It was time to see if the Giants could turn it around.
The Bears started off with the ball but after a long drive the ended up punting.
The Giants responded with a punt as well.
The game was on the Giants defense again. Could they prevent the Bears from scoring again? It turns out that they could as the defense forced another punt.
Now the Giants were only down by six with over five minutes left. Unlike the past seasons, very much like the game against Dallas, Eli doesn't seem to have that late-game magic. He threw a high ball to tight end Brandon Myers, which slipped past his hands and into the hands of  Chicago’s Tim Jennings.
The Bears run out the clock and that ends the game.
Final Score: Giants 21-Bears 27

The Giants going winless after the first six games is very demoralizing. But I did notice some things that we could be optimistic about. They didn’t go for the home run ball with every new set of downs. The Giants stuck with their running game. Eli only got sacked once. The defense was very good at stopping the run. They only gave up two touchdowns to a good Bears offense. The defense also shut the Bears down in the fourth quarter.

But despite all of these silver linings, there are negatives. Eli still cost his team the game. That pick-six really could have been the difference maker for this contest. Jay Cutler had nothing to worry about in the pocket. With the Giants’ lack of pressure, Cutler was as calm as a Hindu Cow.

So what have I learned?

Rated E for "Erased from People's Memory".

Maybe David Wilson isn’t the best fit for an aging offensive line. They are currently built for a downhill runner, not a chicken with his head cut off kind of runner. 

The addition of former Madden cover-boy, and the still Madden cursed, Peyton Hillis shows you the type of running back that the Giants can work best with. Also, the return of a, hopefully, a fully healthy Andre Brown in a few weeks could be a big boost for Big Blue.

After the Bears game, the Giants are showing signs that they can improve this year. I’m not predicting a massive playoff run, I’m just saying if they continue to play smart and Eli doesn’t give away the ball, but they can piece together a few wins.