Week 12: Giants vs Packers

"The fact is, [the Giants] didn't beat us; we beat ourselves. We need to play our best ball when it counts. This year, I expect us to be right where we should be." These were the words spoken in August by Clay Matthews about the Packers' loss to the Giants last January. Well, this past Sunday, the Giants steamrolled the Pack. I wonder what the Game of Thrones' extra will say about this embarrassing loss.

"Prepare yourselves! Excuses are coming!"

In the beginning of this game, it looked like it was going to be a close one, but the Giants turned it on and ran away with it.

First Quarter:
It started off well for Eli and the Giants from their very first possession. There was a short pass to Bradshaw, which he took fifty-nine yards to Green Bay's two yard line. The Browntown Express punched the ball in the endzone for the first score of the game.
On the Packers' responding drive, Corey Webster got burned by Jordy Nelson for a sixty-one yard touchdown catch. 
Later in the quarter, Eli fires a perfect strike sixteen yards to Rueben Randle for the Giant's second touchdown of the game.
Earlier, Corey Webster looked like a fool against Jordy Nelson, but this time Webster picked off Rodgers, who looks like an extra from Boogie Nights, and redeemed himself.
That interception lead to a Tynes field goal.
Score: Giants 17-Packers 7

Second Quarter:
On the Giants' first possession in the second quarter, Eli hooks up with Victor Cruz for a nine yard touchdown.
The Packers following that drive is capped off with a Mason Crosby field goal.
After a Giants' three and out, the Packers get the ball back, but Osi strip sacks the mustachioed MVP and the Haitian of Domination recovers the ball.
Bradshaw runs into the endzone during that following possession.
Score: Giants 31-Packers 10

Second Half:
The beat down continued as Nicks got his beach ball-sized hands into the mix with his own receiving TD.
Rodgers was sacked a few more times.
It ended peacefully with a kneel-down.
Final Score: Giants 38-Packers 10

Eli looked like he was back in Superbowl MVP shape after he shook off some rust early on. He seemed to be on the same page with his receivers, and his receivers didn't drop an absurd amount of passes.

This is Cyclops, in case you didn't know.

Martellus Bennett had three catches for forty-four yards on Sunday. But after the game, his "spidey-sense" was tingling as he caught a middle-aged man who was falling from the stands, fifteen-feet high, onto what would be a concrete floor. He likened himself to Cyclops from X-Men. "Cyclops has super powers. He's caught people. He caught Jean Grey a couple of times. But all superheroes catch people at some point in time. Otherwise they're not as super as they think they are." Maybe if the NFL thing doesn't work out, he can be a masked vigilante named The Black Unicorn.

The running game also looked reinvigorated as Bradshaw and Brown combined for one hundred yards rushing. Unfortunately, Brown broke his fibula and will be on the injured reserve/designated for return list. This will give David Wilson the carries that he deserves.

The defense looked incredible. Throughout the entire game, Super Trooper Aaron Rodgers was under pressure. The Giants' defense was chasing Rodgers like a Burt Reynold's fan club, which lead to five sacks and a ton of hurried throws.

"I don't want a large Farva! I want some goddamn pass protection!"

With Kenny Phillips being back, Antrel Rolle was used to help contain the Packers' explosive receivers. It was also a "welcome back game" for Chase Blackburn, who had a huge sack and a nice tipped pass in the endzone.

So what have I learned?

Why so serious?

Now that Andre Brown's fibula is broken like Fireman Ed's spirit, David Wilson will be Bradshaw's backup. The running game will look very different now, and a lot more passes can be expected when the Giants are in the redzone.

The return of Kenny Phillips and Chase Blackburn is the best thing for the team as they make their playoff push. Chase isn't the most physically gifted player on the defense, but he's probably the smartest. And with Phillips back, Rolle can be used as a corner or as an extra safety to help the next time Webster gets torched.

Manning and Bradshaw both benefited tremendously from the week off. Bradshaw gave all of the metal in his body time to set and Eli gave his arm a much-needed rest.  

Although Eli Manning outplayed Aaron Rodgers, Rodgers won the facial hair contest on Sunday night. While Rodgers looked like a young Tom Selleck, Eli looked like a young Italian boy, like an eleven year old with peach fuzz. Glad to see his arm is feeling better, but his beard has more patches in it than a hipster's cardigan. 

Martellus Bennett is a nerdy white kid trapped in a monster's body. He'd be the only one dressed up at Comic Con that actually has super strength, and wouldn't be given a wedgie.

The Giants are in good position to make the playoffs. Unless they cram their heads into each others asses, the G-Men have a good chance to win the NFC East.

Cue the circus music!

Week 11: Miyagi Do Karate (Bye Week)

If you read my blog last week, you would have seen that I referenced the Karate Kid. I also included a doctored picture of Eli Manning wearing the Daniel LaRusso headband. This got me thinking, since there was no game this past week, and there wasn't any news to speak of, why don't I just explain my theory on why the Giants are the Karate Kid of the NFL.

First off, they both have New Jersey ties. I know they are the New York Giants, but Met Life Stadium is in Jersey and, like, everyone on the team lives in Jersey.

People thought that Coach Coughlin was an out-of-touch coach that couldn't relate to the players. Mr. Miyagi was viewed by both Daniel and the Cobra Kai guys as an out-of-touch old man, at first.

So I have to show up 5 minutes early just to paint a stupid fence?

Coughlin has stupid rules that many of the players, including Michael Strahan, had a problem with. The big one was the "if you show up on time, you're late" rule. Miyagi's training for Daniel wasn't thought of as real training. It was painting the fences, waxing the cars, and sanding the floors. These rules, or chores, were seen as unnecessary or as a  waste of time but both were instrumental in training and instilling a disciplined attitude.

Now let's look at the two playoff appearances that lead to a Super Bowl in the Manning/Coughlin/Karate Kid era. They were both kind of reminiscent of the the All Valley Tournament. The Giant first snuck into the playoffs in the 2007 season, kinda like how Miyagi lied to the sign-up official at the tournament and stole a black belt. In the 2011 season, the Giants had the worst record in the league. Some people thought that the Giants had no business being in the playoffs. Just like Daniel was counted out before the tournament even started.

Johnny Lawrence and John Kreese

The Giants' Super Bowl XLII win was an incredible victory against the powerhouse Patriots, not unlike Daniel LaRusso's victory. He was against the baddest dojo in southern California, Cobra Kai. They were disciplined, smart, and ruthless. They lived by the mantra, "Strike first, strike hard, no mercy". The Patriots were the top team in the league. They were undefeated and rolling teams the entire season.

The sensei of Cobra Kai was John Kreese, a viscous tactician who took pride in completely destroying his opponents. The coach of the Patriots, Bill Belichik, was a cold tactician who also took pride in completely destroying his opponents. How many teams did he completely bury with a blow out that season? Can't you see him telling Tom Brady "I don't want them beat!"? And, seriously, can you see Kreese video taping Daniel and Mr. Miyagi training to get an advantage?

Tom Brady and Bill Belichik

Tom Brady is the Johnny Lawrence of the New England Patriots. Both are handsome rich kids from California. But when Brady was tossing around the pigskin, Johnny Lawrence was kicking wooden planks. They both blindly followed their superiors, and were willing to do anything to win.

Both Super Bowl XLII and the All Valley Tournament were David vs. Goliath stories. Both had magical moments, the crane kick, the helmet catch, Daniel's leg being healed, and Plaxico's game winning catch. In both the game and the tournament, an unlikely hero rose to the occasion. Daniel defeated Johnny Lawrence and the Cobra Kai Dojo, and, for the Giants, it was Eli Manning who showed the country how gutsy he was. Not bad for a couple kids from Jersey.

Super Bowl XLVI was about vengeance and restoring honor for the Patriots. Much like in Karate Kid Part II when the villain, Chozen, wanted to kill Daniel for besting him and making him look foolish throughout the movie. The Patriots wanted to prove that they still could be Super Bowl champions, and Chozen wanted to prove how tough and uncowardly he was. There wasn't even a tournament, Chozen crashed a party and wanted to fight Daniel to the death. This time Daniel wasn't a severe underdog, it was just that Chozen had nothing to lose. The Giants were actually considered favorites by many analysts.

*HONK*

This Super Bowl win wasn't as magical, but neither was the Daniel/Chozen fight. It was a gritty, tough, hard-fought battle with ultimately the Giants, and LaRusso, coming out on top.

After the Giants won Supber Bowl XLVI, they were not thought to be favorites to win again. Hell, they weren't even picked to win the NFC East by many analysts. The same thing happened to LaRusso in Karate Kid Part III, when he signed up for the All Valley Tournament the year after he defeated Johnny Lawrence, people didn't expect him to beat Karate bad boy Mike Barnes.

Right now there is no Mike Barnes or Terry Silver equivalent in the NFL, which is probably a good thing. I mean Barnes and his lackeys, Snake and Dennis, tried to kill Daniel. It would be pretty inexcusable if someone tried to drop Eli Manning down a cliff while he was trying to retrieve a Bonsai tree.

The main reason why the Giants are the Karate Kid of the NFL is that even though it doesn't look pretty, they get the job done. They are scrappy. They're always under the radar, always well coached, always tough, and should never be counted out.

"Hey Manning, you're alright man!"

I'd like to thank Greg Osborn for pushing me to do this, as well as helping me cultivate ideas for this blog.

Week 10: Giants at Bengals

To say I was was disappointed by the Giants game on Sunday it to say that Tim Tebow is a casual church goer. On all fronts, it was a major disaster.

"Hey Jesus! It's me, T-Dog. Wanna have a catch later?"

Since I don't have the stomach for a long-winded breakdown of the "Xs and Os," I'll just give the highlights, or in this case, the lowlights. Here is what I remember happening (because I'm still too angry to put a good amount of research into it). 

- I do remember Chase Blackburn forcing a fumble.
- I remember the Browntown Express getting tons of garbage time yards and a touchdown. 
- Corey Webster left A.J. Green "junk flapping in the wind" naked for a TD. But to be fair, Green's only one of the best receivers in the league. Most DBs give him a cushion.
- A good punt by Weatherford got called back because of an illegal procedure penalty and the re-punt was almost housed. The Bengals scored a touchdown on that possession.
- I remember Bradshaw fumbling the ball after bulldozing for a first down.
- I remember Eli Manning throwing some of his patented "Eli" throws from 2006, like a lob to an offensive lineman that was picked off by a defensive lineman. In Eli's defense though, it's hard to tell the difference between David Baas and Hakeem Nicks. It's also tough to see those svelte defensive linemen. Just take the sack.
- I remember the Eli face.
- I remember Victor Cruz being "junk flapping in the wind" naked while being steps away from the endzone, Eli dropping the ball into his hands as if it was a carnival game, and Cruz then dropping the sure touchdown.

Here's what I don't remember:
- I don't remember seeing JPP, Tuck, or Osi doing anything.
- I don't remember seeing the last quarter of the game. Mostly because I wasn't watching it. Because I had better things to do... like intentionally not watch the game.

"How is sanding the floor gonna help me throw touchdowns?"

I don't know what the hell is wrong with Eli Manning. Maybe it's a dead arm, maybe he forgot how to play at an elite level. But he's gotta figure it out. Maybe through an 80's montage. I can see him now: studying game film, running through a park, weight lifting, walking old ladies across the street, and recycling. All set to "You're the Best Around" from the Karate Kid.

Bradshaw and Brown combined for one hundred and twenty-two yards, with Brown getting most of those yards towards the end of the game when the Bengals were more focused on where they were eating dinner than the actual game. But you can't expect too many carries when you're down seventeen to six at halftime.

It turns out that A.J. Green was right when he said the Giant's defense has "a lot of holes". On Sunday there weren't holes on defense, there were chasms and it was the entire team, not just the defense.

Andy Dalton, who has a terrible case of Gingervitis, had a career-high four touchdowns, but threw for less than two hundred yards. What does that say? A lot of those scoring drives started in good field position. You can't hold all of those scores over the heads of the defense. 
 
The entire game was embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the Owner/President/GM of your team getting video bombed by a Cowboy's ass during an interview.

"C'mon down to Cowboys' Stadium and wash some asses!"

So what have I learned?

The Giants need a lot of work. Not quite a Lindsay Lohan amount of work, but more like a Robert Downey Jr. amount of work.

This is the Giants.

This is the Eagles. Any questions?

They were never a team that made things easy for themselves. It happens around this time every year. They are the Kings of October, but the Clowns of November.

This bye week is much needed. But it may have been one week too late. Hopefully they can use this time to get their heads right.

If I were Andy Dalton, I'd dye tiger stripes in my hair. It would look like he's always wearing a helmet.

Beaten by a Ginger.

Week 9: Giants vs Steelers

The Giants were almost due for a let down. After three huge wins for them they didn't have enough steam for a fourth emotional win in a row. Despite getting some breaks from the officials, the Steelers having to fly in on Sunday morning, and even with the ridiculous fake field goal, the Giants couldn't get the job done. They were outplayed by the Steelers.

First Quarter:
Aside from an Eli Manning "aw shucks" interception, the first quarter was uneventful.
Score: Giants 0-Steelers 0

Second Quarter:
Early on, Big Ben connected to Emmanuel Sanders to give the Steelers the lead at seven to zip. On the Giants following possession, they drove down to the Steelers' two yard line but, you guessed it, fizzled out. Luckily, the officials flagged Ryan Clark on a questionable personal foul penalty against Victor Cruz. This penalty leads to a Browntown Express rushing touchdown.

How can you throw with Krazy Glue on your glove?

Following that Giants scoring drive, Osi used his patented QB strip move on Ben Roethlisberger, which was recovered and housed by Michael Boley. This play wasn't without controversy as well. First off, it wasn't a clear fumble, but it wasn't clearly not a fumble, so it wasn't overturned (did that make sense?). If Ben wasn't wearing his sticky receiver gloves maybe it would be a more clear fumble. Secondly, during Boley's return a block in the back wasn't called on the Haitian of Domination.

As the first half was winding down, the Giants were in a field goal situation. More specifically, a fifty-one yard field goal situation. An over fifty yarder for noodle leg Tynes - don't hold your breath. Sure enough, Legatoni didn't disappoint as his Chad Pennington leg kicked it straight, but short. Unfortunately, Shaun Suisham didn't miss his thirty yard field goal to end the half.
Giants 14-Steelers 10

Third Quarter:
Not a lot happened here either. Although Legatoni did hit a fifty yard field goal, Webster picked off Big Ben, and Tynes nailed a chip-shot field goal. There should have been a touchdown instead of that last kick since the Giants were at the front stoop of the endzone.
Giants 20-Steelers 10

Fourth Quarter:
It didn't take long for the Steelers to score in the fourth quarter. Forty-five seconds in, Big Ben throws a short pass in the middle of the field to Mike Wallace and Wallace did the rest as he ran to the endzone for a fifty-one yard touchdown reception.

Then the Giants went three and out.

The Steelers came down with a case of the Giants and were settling for a field goal on the Giants three yard line. But it wasn't a field goal, it was a fake field goal running play. The Giants didn't fall for it, and Suisham was tackled for a loss on that play.

Then the Giants went three and out.

With their next possession, the Steelers were driving down the field. They were in field goal range and on a third and seven at the Giants' fourteen yard line.  Roethlisberger missed his receiver to bring up fourth down and most likely a field goal. But hold your horses, Jayron Hosley was called for offsides. This gave Pittsburgh another chance to move the chains with a third and two opportunity, and that's what they did. They got the first and eventually a touchdown to give the Steelers a twenty four to twenty lead with four minutes on the clock.

Then the Giants went three and out.

After that pathetic offensive performance, the Steelers ran out the clock to seal the victory for the Steel City.
Final Score: Steelers 24-Giants 20

To say the Giants offense came out flat is to say that Sandy was just a rain shower. The Giants couldn't achieve a single first down in the fourth quarter. The Giants total offensive yards was one hundred and eighty-two yards. The Steelers total RUSHING yards was one hundred and fifty-eight yards. That means the entire Giants team only had twenty four more yards than basically one guy, Redman, with occasional help from a few more rushers.

"Aw dang, I think I just pooped myself!"

Eli's completion percentage was forty one. He only threw for one hundred and twenty five yards with no touchdowns. But he did have that pick so that's something. 

The Giants running game couldn't get anything started. In fairness to Bradshaw and Brown, it's hard to get anything going with only twenty two carries.

Osi and JPP had one sack each and Tuck had two. They put pressure on Big Ben, but he's at his best when he's throwing under pressure.

The middle of the field was wide open for the Steelers to do anything they wanted. 

The coach of the Steelers, Mike Tomlin, who looks like Omar Epps in a Tilda Swinton looks like Thom Yorke sorta way, did a great job on capitalizing on the Giants inefficiency on offense and their shortcomings on defense. He out-coached his counterpart, Tom Coughlin.

Mike, meet Omar. Tilda, meet Thom. Universe, meet black hole.

So what have I learned?

The Giants truly are an October team. As soon as Halloween is over, the Giants seem to take a huge step backwards.

They aren't the same team after that won in San Fransisco. You can't keep winning games when your offense stalls in the redzone. During Sunday's game, their inability to score finally caught up with them.

Andre Brown needs to get more carries, providing that he doesn't get knocked out of almost every game. Bradshaw is only effective when he gets fired up, but Brown is a smarter runner and he hits the holes that are designed for him.

Chase Blackburn and Jacquain Williams need to come back soon. They are way too soft up the middle. I like Herzlich and I love his story, but he isn't ready to be a starting MLB.

Hopefully, they can bounce back against the Bungles and use the bye week to figure out what the hell is wrong with the offense.