Week 1: Giants at Cowboys

Well the Giants opened up the season in frustrating fashion with a six turnover loss to the Cowboys in Jerry World. The Giants were sloppy, like a white girl on her 21st birthday. They were a team full of sash wearing, stumbling, loud, drunk girls trying to find their way to the dance floor without spilling their drinks.

The Giants were playing like they were white girl wasted last Sunday.

1st Quarter:
The game started off strong as Eli Manning threw a perfect strike to Demarcus Ware, the Cowboys Hulk-like defensive lineman. I guess just because Mark Sanchez isn’t playing doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see any “Dirty” Sanchez passes.
Despite starting the drive in the endzone, the Cowboys were held to a field goal by the Giants defense.

"Aww what the heck you guys?!"

On the Giants next offensive drive, Eli connected to Hicks for a big yardage catch and run. They had a good drive going. That is until David Wilson reminded us all why he was in Coughlin’s dog house last year as he fumbled the ball.
On the Giants next drive after a Dallas punt, Eli is picked off by what seemed to be a mix up between him and Rueben Randle. Cue the Eli face.
The Cowboys were driving following that Giants turnover, but it was ended abruptly by a interception from Stevie Brown’s replacement Ryan Mundy. He returned the ball all the way to the one yard line. Seriously? He couldn’t make it the last three feet without being tackled?
Then the offense put on a stellar display of redzone scoring as they can’t get a touchdown from the ONE YARD LINE. They settle for three.
Score: Giants 3-Cowboys 3

2nd Quarter:
The Cowboys responded with a long, fourteen play, seven minute drive. Luckily, the drive stalled and they had to settle for another field goal.
After a short drive, the Giants punt the ball back to the Cowboys.
On Dallas’ next drive, Romo connects with Jason Witten for a touchdown.
Following the Cowboys touchdown, Eli connected with Cruz for a seventy yard touchdown. Those big plays make it easier to swallow their lack of a redzone offense.
After that touchdown, nothing offensively happened. But Romo got sandwiched by Kiwanuka and Trattou. This meant that the one and only Kyle Orton was behind center for the Cowboys until further notice.
Score Giants 10-Cowboys 13

What was more awkward? This or the Katherine Webb commentary?

3rd Quarter:
To start off the second half, the Cowboys go three and out.
Then David “Dog House” Wilson does something unpredictable and coughs up the ball again! The ball is scooped up by Cowboys’ safety Barry Church and is taken to the house. Cue the Eminem talking to Brent Musburger face.


After the Giants get the ball back, Dog House was sitting on the sidelines. The Giants quickly punt it away to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys' drive stalls and they punt it away. However, Trumaine McBride muffed the punt and the ball was recovered by the Cowboys. As I said before, white-girl-wasted sloppy.
Romo didn’t waste this gift from the Giants as he tossed another touchdown to Witten.
The Giants responded with an eight play posession. Eli connected to Cruz for an eighteen yard touchdown.
Score: Giants 17-Cowboys 27

Fourth Quarter:
The Cowboys started the fourth quarter with a successful field goal.
Eli started to warm up a bit during this drive. He competes six of seven passes including a ten yard pass to Cruz for a touchdown.
After an exchange of punts, the Giants get the ball again. At the start of this possession, there is 2:41 left in the game and the Giants are only down by six. It’s Eli time... or so I thought. Eli throws a short pass to Da’rel Scott, Wilson’s backup, and Scott can’t handle it. The ball bounces off his hands and is picked off by the Cowboys’ Brandon Carr, who took it to the house. Cue the Dawson Leery crying face.

This is one hell of way to end a weekend.

The Giants get the ball back and drive downfield. Eli connects with new tight end Brandon Myers for a touchdown.
The Giants’ on-side kick was unsuccessful, and the Cowboys kneel down for the win.
Final score: Giants 31-Cowboys 36

This was a tough game to watch, but there were some positives to take away from it.
Despite giving up six turnovers, the Giants were still in position to win the game. There’s a good chance you won’t see the Giants give away the ball that many times again this season.

This was mostly because of how successful the passing game was. Eli has three great options at wide receiver with Cruz, Nicks, and Randle, and he has a good pass catching tight end in Brandon Myers.

One flops, and the other leg drops.

Their problems on defense were mostly because of how gassed they were. They were constantly being dragged onto the field because of all of the turnovers. Jerry Jones accused the Giants’ D of faking injuries, or flopping. Now I’m not saying that they did or didn’t flop, I’m just saying maybe Jerry knows what flopping looks like due to all of hat time he spent with LeBron James.

Ryan Mundy played well in his Giants regular season debut. I mean, besides accidentally giving Prince Amukamara a concussion.
Aaron Ross played well as a sub for Prince. He had a tough job of covering Dez Bryant and he answered the bell.

So what have I learned?

If Gov. Christie wants to complain about the New York Giants not being referred to as the New Jersey Giants, maybe he shouldn’t spend time in Jerry Jones’ crypt.

Why so glum, Chris? The 'Boys are winning! Is it because you are sitting next to death himself?

The Giants running back situation is a nightmare. Their extremely talented, and fast running back, “Dog House” Wilson, looks like he dips his hands in KY before he runs onto the field. Their injury prone backup running back, Brown, is out for several weeks. Now their acting backup, Scott, tipped a pass on a possible game winning drive which resulted in six points going the other way. I guess re-signing Brandon Jacobs could be a good edition, but he's there to hold down the fort until Brown comes back.

Coach Coughlin is no stranger to helping running backs with fumblitis. He needs to act quickly though;  Wilson’s too talented to be benched all the time for coughing up the ball.

The Giants’ passing attack will be good enough to win games for them. They just can’t give away the ball and give away that many points.

Preseason Wrap Up

Walter White's version of the Pistol Offense.

Disclaimer: This post has many Breaking Bad references in it and it may contain spoilers. I know some of you haven’t seen the show yet and some of you are planning to watch the entire series when it’s over. So if that’s the case, then maybe your best course would be to tread lightly.

So the Giants have finished their four preseason games and they look to be in midseason form, as far as injuries are concerned. David Diehl is out after thumb surgery, David Baas is out with a knee injury, Jayron Hosley has an ankle injury, Andre Brown has broken his left leg (no surprise there), but the biggest blow is the injury to Stevie Brown. Stevie Brown suffered a torn ACL. That stands for anterior cruciate ligament. That’s like, science, bitch!

 Besides the injuries, there were a few things that I am concerned about:
The secondary has more holes in it than all of Walt’s cover-up stories. This really isn’t a surprise, being that their pass defense has been adequate at best over the past couple of years.
Eli is constantly under pressure. It seems that the defensive line is in his face before he can finish saying “OMAHA!”.
At times their redzone offense is as useful as Badger talking about a pie eating contest story on Star Trek. The Giants have had problems with this for a few seasons and it looks like they might have the same struggles this year.

Brown's out but we still got Wilson. S'all good, man.

But here are a few things I am optimistic about:
David Wilson looks like a very effective running back. At times his future looks as bright as Saul Goodman’s shirts, which is good news considering he will be the workhorse for the next ten weeks.
The defensive line is starting to look disruptive again, and that’s without JP2 lining up. Then again, it would be tough to have a bad defensive line with about thirty players in that position.
Prince Amukamara is stepping up in a big way in his third year in the NFL. This could be the year where he plays like a first round draft pick, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. 

The Giants redzone offense doesn't look this bad, but it's close.

Just because some things didn’t work out well in the preseason doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an ominous kind of foreshadowing. These problems aren’t like the pink teddy bear or the fly buzzing around the meth lab. Case in point, the 2008 Lions were 4-0 in the preseason and then they went on to lose every game in the regular season.

The fact of the matter is it’s almost impossible to figure out how the Giants will do this year. You’d have better luck figuring out what’s going to happen with the Ricin. In fact, one could say that the NFC East is Kafkaesque. Any team can finish on top of that division with nine wins under their belt.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Now I’m sure the Giants will have a hard fought win that will convince me they are a playoff team. Then they will follow that game up with a loss so devastating that I’ll be as speechless as “Tio” Salamanca. Just give me a bell and I’ll be fine. But like I said before, it’s anyone’s division.

So what have I learned?

I’ll be confident with where this team goes as long as they have Eli and Coach Coughlin running things, even though the line protecting Eli breaks down more than Walt and Jesse’s RV.

The key to the Giants success this year will be their ability to score seven points instead of three when they enter the redzone. There were a couple games where those few extra points would have made the difference between making and missing the playoffs last year.

Right now the Giants are number twelve on the NFL power rankings. This is a good thing for this “us against the world” team. It’s true that they have a good amount of issues to deal with, but nothing motivates this team more than being counted out.

I hate it that the Giants are on Sunday night along with Breaking Bad. This Sunday night I'm going to be like Walt choosing between his meth business or his pregnant wife.

I am addicted to Breaking Bad. But I think I probably knew that...
 

"You're Goddamn right!"

Training Camp Kickoff

When you put on any sports news network in the past couple of weeks, you might have noticed that football news was being broadcasted. Actual football news. Not like the Patriots signing Tim Tebow news, or Colin Kaepernick wearing a Dolphins hat news, but honest-to-God NFL news. This can only mean one thing... the football season is just around the corner! (Cue the Sam Spence song catalog.)

My baby's got a boo boo!

However, as excited as I am to see the Giants back at it, I still get worried like an over-bearing mother hoping that nobody will get injured like Jeremy Maclin, or Dennis Pitta. I mean Hakeem Nicks sits out of practice with a groin issue, and it’s like I’m watching my fat, hypothetical, un-coordinated child take a nose dive off of a skateboard.
   
Besides the injury news with Nicks, whose health is as questionable as A-Rod’s life choices, the Giants have a lot going on during this training camp.
   
They have to cultivate a consistent running attack with sophomore David Wilson and last year’s breakout Andre Brown. Coughlin is going to ride the hot hand with this tandem. The big concerns here are Wilson’s fumbling and Brown’s health.

The linebacker positions are up in the air. For the middle linebacker spot, the competition is mostly between Mark Herzlich and former Cowboy Dan Connor. Herzlich will most likely land the job because of his experience with Perry Fewell’s system.
The strongside linebacker job is being fought over by Keith Rivers and Aaron Curry. Rivers has the leg up due to being with the Giants for a season. It might come down to if he can stay healthy.
There is also a position battle for the weakside linebacker. It’s between Jacquain Williams and Spencer Paysinger. This position battle is a lot more of a toss up this off-season.

I was very interested to see how the offensive line will shape up this preseason, especially with the drafting of Justin Pugh. However, I turn back to that worrisome mother whose fat, hypothetical kid climbed up the ladder to the high dive when I found out that he got a concussion. Let’s see if he can come back quickly and add depth to an offensive line that’s aging quicker than that Nazi Walter Donovan at the end of Last Crusade. (I give myself a pat on the back for that timely reference.)

Out of all of this happening, the two players I’m most interested in seeing are Rueben Randle and Terrell Thomas.
Randle started impressing everyone while Nicks and Cruz were M.I.A. during the voluntary workouts and is continuing to impress everyone. He’s developing good on-field chemistry with Eli Manning. This will come in handy if Nicks gets hurt again, which is as inevitable as Adam Sandler never making a funny movie for the rest of his life.

"Here's a nice piece of sh*t!" - Billy Madison

Terrell Thomas, otherwise known as T2, has had two ACL injuries in the past two years, and the Giants’ have given him another shot to prove himself as a professional football player. T2 will most likely be used as a floating safety in passing downs, but no matter where he plays, he’ll be back.

So what have I learned?

Jerry Reese put everyone on notice. Which means that nobody is safe. It doesn’t matter that they won a Super Bowl a year ago. They haven’t made the playoffs in three of the past four years. Hopefully this will correct the problems with inconsistency that have plagued the Giants.

Like every other team, the Giants have many questions that need to be answered. Some will be answered during camp, like who will win the starting roles. While other questions need to be answered during the season, like will JP2 become the Haitian of Domination again, and will Stevie Brown continue to make big time plays this year.

I’m happy that injuries and position battles are the only news-worthy events in camp. I’d hate to see someone on the Giants on trial for murder, or see a video of someone dropping an “N-Bomb” at a Kenny Chesney concert.

I just hope my hypothetical child makes it through the summer relatively unscathed. So here’s to the Giants’ health holding up like John Stamos’ looks.

"Haaaaave merrrrcyy!"

2013 Off-Season

It’s been a while since I wrote about the Giants. In fact, I’ve barely been on this site after they spanked the Eagles to salvage what was left of a disappointing end of the season. Now, during the off-season, the Giants are trying to re-assemble a championship season. 

The Giants made a lot of roster moves this off season. It seemed like it was mostly them getting rid of players. They lost Ahmad Bradshaw, Osi Umenyiora, Michael Boley, Chris Canty, Domenik Hixon, Kenny Phillips, Martellus Bennett and Chase Blackburn just to name a few.

Osi’s contributions on the field will be missed, but the headaches he gave off the field won’t be missed.
Blackburn wasn’t the most physically gifted linebacker, but his football IQ and his heart will be very difficult to replace.
The Black Unicorn will also be missed, if only for his colorful personality.  

But all of that’s okay because they got Aaron Ross back...
Other than that, the Giants made several under-the-radar moves that are as sexy as Charlize Theron... in Monster.

Buzz, your girlfriend... WOOF!

The most notable free agent signings were Cullen Jenkins, Ryan Mundy, and Brandon Myers.

Brandon Myers will need to work on his blocking but he is one of the better receiving tight ends the Giants have had on their roster in a few years.
Mundy is one of those standard, quiet Jerry Reese moves that won’t get much press but will probably make a big impact. Think “Stevie Brown.”

Now, onto the Victor Cruz drama. I know this is the business of players getting theirs while they can, but he is asking for a ton of cash for a slot receiver. He is a dynamic player and he is Eli’s favorite target, but the Giants don’t think he’s worth more than the seven million dollars they offered him.

Cruz recently got a new agent, Tom Condon. He also represents a more influential Giant, Eli Manning. And I doubt that Condon will want to let down one of his biggest clients by not keeping Cruz in that big blue uniform. A deal will most likely get done, but hopefully it will get done soon. The Giants don’t need this situation hanging around like a black cloud.

What an over-compensating, obnoxious pile of hair gel!

Now the NFL Draft is quickly approaching, and the prestigious Radio City Music Hall will be filled with a bunch of rowdy, degenerate, and ultimately bored football fans.

It seems that the Giants have had the same needs for the past few years, linebacker and offensive line. The overall opinion of this year’s draft is that there’s a ton of NFL caliber offensive linemen available. However, trying to predict the how the draft will unfold is as impossible as listening to Guy Fieri rambling on about how awesome his Butt-Kickin’ Chicken Wings are without trying to set his already blazin’ shirt on fire.

So what have I learned?

This is the way the Giants have done business. It’s addition by subtraction, and they don’t fill in the blanks with superstars. They have turned into the Saved By The Bell cast after Kelly Kapowski and Jesse Spano left and they were stuck with Tori. Fortunately, they still have Zack, Slater, and Mr. Belding holding down the fort.

Try all you want, Tori, but you will never be so excited, nor so scared.

The Giants will always draft the best available player. They won’t let their needs prevent them from getting a player that they think will help their team for years to come.

It always seems that the Giants aren’t doing enough to address the holes that they have. But, at the end of the day, I put all of my faith in Jerry Reese.