Week One 2014: Giants at Lions

The Giants on Monday Night Football picked-up right where they left off this preseason. I don’t mean going undefeated, I mean playing like absolute crap. Safe to say that this game against the Lions was a complete disaster. Wait, we might be better off saying that it was a nightmare. Like being trapped in an elevator only to be accompanied by Guy Fieri who’s real jacked-up about a new extreme hamburger he concocted.

"This burger is INTENSE, dude! Double bacon burger, smothered in a peach cobbler and hot sauce! I call it HOTLANTA!"

I don’t even know where to begin, to be honest with you. I mean, where do critics start when they review a Tyler Perry movie? I guess I’ll start with the defense given that it wasn’t as bad as the offense.

Shouldn't have messed with that sun, bro.

I know Calvin Johnson treated the Giants like great white sharks treat seals, but his two touchdowns, and a bulk of his one hundred and sixty-four yards, came before Big Blue’s defense got into a rhythm. Giants' corner back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie said he was going to shadow Johnson for the entire game. DRC, with a little too much hubris, flew a little too close to the sun. Yes, I just referenced Icarus;  read a book. Also, on both of his touchdowns, Matthew Stafford did an amazing job avoiding pressure and made the play happen.

The Giants pass rush showed some promised a few times during the game. Even though Stafford was only sacked once, by Rolle, who isn’t even in the front seven, he was under pressure a couple of times. But Stafford, who’s primed to have a great year, wasn’t phased by the pass rush and still lit up the G-Men like one of Josh Gordon’s favorite blunts.

The run defense was solid with only giving up seventy-eight yards on the ground. Holding that rushing attack to under one hundred yards is no easy feat. Neither Bush nor Bell scored a rushing touchdown. So there’s one thing that they can hang their helmets on.

Now onto the offense. This horrible, horrible offense.

I’m trying to think of the right comparison with how poorly the Giants offense played on Monday. Honestly, a straight-to-video sequel to Gigli would probably be better than the Giants’ offense. The offensive line, which has basically become a turnstile with shoulder pads, didn’t give Eli the time he needed to make plays. This includes plays that only take a few seconds to develop. The line is especially bad with the two tackles, Will Beatty and Justin Pugh, who couldn’t establish the pocket. To be a little fair to the Giants offensive line, the Lions front seven might be one of the best in the league. So a dominant front seven rushing against an offensive line held together by duct tape, popsicle sticks, and rubber bands will surely give any quarterback fits.

I don’t want anyone to think Eli is off the hook, because he definitely shares the blame in this. With the offensive line as shaky as it is, when Eli has an opportunity to throw the ball, he cannot afford to throw the ball a little high, or throw it behind the receiver. He’s gotta be dead red on his target. That’s a tall order for this bumpkin, he’s about as accurate as a two dollar pregnancy test.

His receivers need work too. Even his most reliable target, Victor Cruz, dropped balls in big spots and is growing frustrated. “Wrong Page” Rueben Randle was invisible, Jerrel Jernigan is still raw, Corey Washington only saw goal line snaps, and their undrafted tight end, Larry Donnell, missed an audible a the line of scrimmage which led to Eli’s first pick. It was gutsy when the Giants threw three out of four times in their goal line offense, but I like that! I like that! It ended up paying off with a fade pass that to Donnell that resulted in a touchdown.

The running game wasn’t all that effective, but you could probably chalk that up to the bad match up.

Steve Weatherford, most likely the best player on the Giants, hobbled his ankle a bit when he got hit during a punt. He hopes to play next week against the Cardinals, so does every other Giants’ fan.

Overall, the Giants played a bad game against a playoff caliber team. It started off terribly, it evened out a bit halfway through the game (thanks to some stupid penalties by the Lions), but ultimately the turnovers drained every last ounce of momentum that the Giants had and the Lions ran away with the victory.

On to the next one:
The Giants have a tough matchup this coming Sunday against the Arizona Cardinals. The Cardinals defense will be tough to overcome for the Giants’ offense. Oddly enough, I’d expect Larry Donnell to have a solid game, and for him to get another touchdown.
The key defensively is to pressure Carson Palmer and force him to make mistakes.

So what have I learned?

I know it’s week one, but I am concerned with the Giants. How concerned am I? Well, on a scale from one to ten, one being relaxing on a beach without a care in the world, and ten being the PR staff for the NFL, I’m at a seven and a half. But it’s only week one. Big Blue can turn it around, but it needs to be done quickly, and it won’t be easy.

If you don't turn this team around, it's open season on him, and you...