Week 3: Giants at Panthers

What a disaster of a game. I mean it’s the Hindenburg, Titanic, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo all rolled into one flaming, sinking, butter smothered ball. I didn’t think it could get much worse for the Giants after the beat down they got from Denver, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

"Ohh the humanity!"

I’m not going to bother with a game recap. It’ll only make me upset and annoyed. Here are some thoughts: The Giants were outplayed in every way by the Panthers. The Panthers came out firing on all cylinders, and the Giants came out flat. The Giants made stupid mistakes and committed stupid penalties. The Panthers played smart and tough. Basically, the Panthers played like they wanted to win more.

This was one of the worst beatings that Eli has taken in his career. If I remember correctly, he got sacked forty-eight times in the first half. Well, at least that’s what it seemed like.

David Wilson and company couldn’t get anything started either. The only time the running game did something, it was taken away by a penalty.

To make matters worse, Giants’ fullback Henry Hynoski, the Hynocerous, has fractured shoulder and is going to miss the rest of the season. However, the addition of fullback John “The Terminator” Connor should be helpful to the team.

The offensive line got destroyed on Sunday. The Panthers front seven ripped through them just like Hulk Hogan ripped through all of those Hulkamania shirts before a match. There was no time for Eli to make plays, and there were no holes created for the running game.

Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the defensive line runs wild on you!?

The defense held on for as long as they could. But, eventually, the levees broke and the Panthers offense, led by Cam Newton, started pouring it on.

So what have I learned?

Blowouts are pretty common between these two teams. In 2006, the Panthers beat the Giants 23-0. In 2009, the Panthers beat the Giants 41-9. Last year the Giants beat the Panthers 36-7. And we all saw how this game panned out.

Okay, this is way worse than getting sacked every play.

It was tough seeing Eli looking so dejected. He’s usually got the bumpkin country face going for him, but on the sidelines he looked like a kid who was sent to his room without ice cream. Can’t say I blame him. Standing behind center for this game must have felt the same as standing in the landing crafts that were about to storm the beaches of Normandy.

Maybe Coughlin should be on the chopping block. The teams always seems to band together when there are rumblings of Coughlin getting canned. Honestly, with the way this season’s going, he might be.

Jerry Reese should shoulder some of the blame for the lack of success by the Giants. Being the GM, he hasn’t done a good job with making the defense stronger, and he hasn’t done much to help rebuild an aging offensive line. I understand it’s a tough task to achieve this with Giants constantly struggling to be under the salary cap. But defensively they’ve only added underachieving or injury prone players, and the only good addition to the o-line is the drafting of Justin Pugh.

"Yeaaah, I'm gonna need you to turn your season around ASAP. Mmmkay?"

We might have to accept the fact the Giants just might not be that good. They need to turn things around quickly, but truthfully, the problems might be so deep that they can’t turn it around.

Their next game against Kansas City isn’t necessarily a must win because it’s only September, so it’s more of a “Bill Lumbergh” game. In other words, it’s a “hey, if you could go ahead and win on Sunday, that would be great” game. Once you go 0-4 it’s a tough road back to relevance. But
remember, it’s still a close division, and it will be for the season. Anything can happen, but why chance it?

Week 2: Giants vs Broncos

Shame on me. Shame on me for thinking that the Giants had a chance in this game. Shame on me for thinking that they’d win, despite multiple sport analysts and sport personalities picked them to upset the Broncos. Shame.

I’m going to reluctantly recap the game. But if I’m going to be honest, I started to tune out towards the end of the game. So I’ll be piecing the end of the game together like a blackout. Here goes nothing...

1st Quarter:
The Broncos started off the game receiving the ball. They drove down the field in dominant fashion, but luckily the Broncos’ rookie running back Montee Ball fumbled the ball near the goal line. The Giants recovered the ball in the endzone for a touchback.
On the Giants’ first possession, they drive down the field only to settle for a field goal.
The Giants and Broncos exchanged punts for the rest of the quarter.
Score: Giants 3-Broncos 0

2nd Quarter:
The Broncos were in the middle of a drive at the beginning of the second quarter. It wasn’t long until Broncos’ running back Knowshon Moreno broke off a twenty yard touchdown run.
After they exchange punts, the Giants start their possession with great field position. Eli connects with Brandon Myers and it looks like Myers has a good shot of making to the endzone. But instead he stumbles and falls to the ground on the eighteen yard line. At that point I knew they weren’t getting a touchdown on that possession. After a Rueben Randle fumble that was luckily taken away due to a defensive penalty and some dropped passes, I was proven right. They settle for three points.
After a Denver punt, the Giants kick yet another field goal and and the Broncos respond in kind.
With the first half winding down and the Giants trailing, Eli came out throwing. Eli closes out this drive with a deep throw to endzone, where nobody wearing a blue jersey is. It was picked off easily by Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.
Big brother Peyton kneels the ball to end the half.
Score: Giants 9-Broncos 10

3rd Quarter:
The G-Men start the second half in spectacular fashion by going three and out.
The Broncos, who probably are the best at halftime adjustments, drove right downfield and Peyton connected with Wes Welker for a two yard touchdown.

Welcome back, Brandon.

New York gets the ball back and, with the help of defensive penalties, the Giants make it to the goal line. Now it’s time for the Giants’ prodigal son Brandon Jacobs to get the rock. Jacobs gets stuffed at the line but is then taunted by Denver’s Terrance Knighton. At that point I say, give it to Jacobs again, because there’s no way he’s not getting in after that. And, like before, I was correct as he wasn’t denied and scored a touchdown. Then he did that crazy-ass dance of his.
On the Broncos’ next drive Peyton connected with Demaryius Thomas for a sixteen yard play, but he fumbled. The Giants were trying to grab that ball like it was a greased pig. It was eventually recovered by Denver’s Moreno. Another wasted opportunity by the Giants. But don’t worry, it didn’t bite them in the ass or anything. Except if  you consider Denver scoring as being bitten in the ass. Then yes, the Giants got bitten in the ass. Really hard. Like if you were swimming in shark infested waters with a chum bathing suit. 
The Giants run one play before the end of the third quarter.
Score: Giants 16-Broncos 24

4th Quarter:
The first play of the quarter was the Giants second play of the drive. Which was Eli’s second interception.
Eli’s brother takes over and throws a touchdown to Julius Thomas.
The following Giants’ drive stalled so they punted the ball away. Trindon Holliday fields the punt and houses it. This starts the beginning of my blurred Giants’ game memory.
So the Giants’ get the ball back, and I’m pretty sure that Eli just handed the ball to the Broncos. It was probably an interception but who knows, who cares.
Denver goes three and out on their next possession.
With the Giants’ next drive they scored. I think it was a pass to Da’Rel Scott. I don’t know for sure, though. At this point Slash would have a better chance remembering what he did on Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction tour.

This is what I looked like while I watched the fourth quarter on Sunday.

The Broncos’ responded with a field goal.
When the Giants’ got the ball back with around two minutes left, they were already out of it. So Eli just threw the ball around until he and Randle got crossed up on an option route and the ball was picked off for Eli’s fourth interception.
After Peyton kneels down twice the game is mercifully over.
Score: Giants 23-Denver 41

Hey Tyler Perry, stop. Just stop.

This was a tough game to sit through. There were moments of the game where I’d rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than watch the Giants fall apart. That’s right, I would have preferred Madea over Manning.

Even with their heartbreaking loss to Dallas, I was able to gather a few reasons why they weren’t as bad as they played. However, I can’t really say many positive things about this game except that the reason they got a big brother beat down was because they were just outmatched by a superior team.

So what have I learned?

A lot of the Giants’ problems can be linked to their problems with their offensive line. They have gotten older and slower. This is why they have trouble creating running lanes or pushing the defensive line back on a goal line rush.

Rueben Randle and Eli Manning are having issues getting on the same page. They were a few plays where there was a mix up between the two players that resulted in an interception.

It’s nice to have Brandon Jacobs back. The team was missing some swagger, some grit. He’s gonna bring that back to the locker room.

The Giants are very top heavy in terms of talent. They have a few big name players, but the drop off is tremendous.

Eli can’t always be put in a position where he has to win the game for the Giants. I know that it worked two years ago, but it seems that the same kind of magic won’t happen again this year.

It’s hard to say the Giants have a must win game in September, but they really painted themselves into a corner. I hope that being in this hole will light a fire under their underachieving asses.

That's it! Now you guys are in a poop load of trouble!

The positive thing is that the NFC East is very competitive and very close so they aren’t dead yet. They just have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

Week 1: Giants at Cowboys

Well the Giants opened up the season in frustrating fashion with a six turnover loss to the Cowboys in Jerry World. The Giants were sloppy, like a white girl on her 21st birthday. They were a team full of sash wearing, stumbling, loud, drunk girls trying to find their way to the dance floor without spilling their drinks.

The Giants were playing like they were white girl wasted last Sunday.

1st Quarter:
The game started off strong as Eli Manning threw a perfect strike to Demarcus Ware, the Cowboys Hulk-like defensive lineman. I guess just because Mark Sanchez isn’t playing doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see any “Dirty” Sanchez passes.
Despite starting the drive in the endzone, the Cowboys were held to a field goal by the Giants defense.

"Aww what the heck you guys?!"

On the Giants next offensive drive, Eli connected to Hicks for a big yardage catch and run. They had a good drive going. That is until David Wilson reminded us all why he was in Coughlin’s dog house last year as he fumbled the ball.
On the Giants next drive after a Dallas punt, Eli is picked off by what seemed to be a mix up between him and Rueben Randle. Cue the Eli face.
The Cowboys were driving following that Giants turnover, but it was ended abruptly by a interception from Stevie Brown’s replacement Ryan Mundy. He returned the ball all the way to the one yard line. Seriously? He couldn’t make it the last three feet without being tackled?
Then the offense put on a stellar display of redzone scoring as they can’t get a touchdown from the ONE YARD LINE. They settle for three.
Score: Giants 3-Cowboys 3

2nd Quarter:
The Cowboys responded with a long, fourteen play, seven minute drive. Luckily, the drive stalled and they had to settle for another field goal.
After a short drive, the Giants punt the ball back to the Cowboys.
On Dallas’ next drive, Romo connects with Jason Witten for a touchdown.
Following the Cowboys touchdown, Eli connected with Cruz for a seventy yard touchdown. Those big plays make it easier to swallow their lack of a redzone offense.
After that touchdown, nothing offensively happened. But Romo got sandwiched by Kiwanuka and Trattou. This meant that the one and only Kyle Orton was behind center for the Cowboys until further notice.
Score Giants 10-Cowboys 13

What was more awkward? This or the Katherine Webb commentary?

3rd Quarter:
To start off the second half, the Cowboys go three and out.
Then David “Dog House” Wilson does something unpredictable and coughs up the ball again! The ball is scooped up by Cowboys’ safety Barry Church and is taken to the house. Cue the Eminem talking to Brent Musburger face.


After the Giants get the ball back, Dog House was sitting on the sidelines. The Giants quickly punt it away to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys' drive stalls and they punt it away. However, Trumaine McBride muffed the punt and the ball was recovered by the Cowboys. As I said before, white-girl-wasted sloppy.
Romo didn’t waste this gift from the Giants as he tossed another touchdown to Witten.
The Giants responded with an eight play posession. Eli connected to Cruz for an eighteen yard touchdown.
Score: Giants 17-Cowboys 27

Fourth Quarter:
The Cowboys started the fourth quarter with a successful field goal.
Eli started to warm up a bit during this drive. He competes six of seven passes including a ten yard pass to Cruz for a touchdown.
After an exchange of punts, the Giants get the ball again. At the start of this possession, there is 2:41 left in the game and the Giants are only down by six. It’s Eli time... or so I thought. Eli throws a short pass to Da’rel Scott, Wilson’s backup, and Scott can’t handle it. The ball bounces off his hands and is picked off by the Cowboys’ Brandon Carr, who took it to the house. Cue the Dawson Leery crying face.

This is one hell of way to end a weekend.

The Giants get the ball back and drive downfield. Eli connects with new tight end Brandon Myers for a touchdown.
The Giants’ on-side kick was unsuccessful, and the Cowboys kneel down for the win.
Final score: Giants 31-Cowboys 36

This was a tough game to watch, but there were some positives to take away from it.
Despite giving up six turnovers, the Giants were still in position to win the game. There’s a good chance you won’t see the Giants give away the ball that many times again this season.

This was mostly because of how successful the passing game was. Eli has three great options at wide receiver with Cruz, Nicks, and Randle, and he has a good pass catching tight end in Brandon Myers.

One flops, and the other leg drops.

Their problems on defense were mostly because of how gassed they were. They were constantly being dragged onto the field because of all of the turnovers. Jerry Jones accused the Giants’ D of faking injuries, or flopping. Now I’m not saying that they did or didn’t flop, I’m just saying maybe Jerry knows what flopping looks like due to all of hat time he spent with LeBron James.

Ryan Mundy played well in his Giants regular season debut. I mean, besides accidentally giving Prince Amukamara a concussion.
Aaron Ross played well as a sub for Prince. He had a tough job of covering Dez Bryant and he answered the bell.

So what have I learned?

If Gov. Christie wants to complain about the New York Giants not being referred to as the New Jersey Giants, maybe he shouldn’t spend time in Jerry Jones’ crypt.

Why so glum, Chris? The 'Boys are winning! Is it because you are sitting next to death himself?

The Giants running back situation is a nightmare. Their extremely talented, and fast running back, “Dog House” Wilson, looks like he dips his hands in KY before he runs onto the field. Their injury prone backup running back, Brown, is out for several weeks. Now their acting backup, Scott, tipped a pass on a possible game winning drive which resulted in six points going the other way. I guess re-signing Brandon Jacobs could be a good edition, but he's there to hold down the fort until Brown comes back.

Coach Coughlin is no stranger to helping running backs with fumblitis. He needs to act quickly though;  Wilson’s too talented to be benched all the time for coughing up the ball.

The Giants’ passing attack will be good enough to win games for them. They just can’t give away the ball and give away that many points.

Preseason Wrap Up

Walter White's version of the Pistol Offense.

Disclaimer: This post has many Breaking Bad references in it and it may contain spoilers. I know some of you haven’t seen the show yet and some of you are planning to watch the entire series when it’s over. So if that’s the case, then maybe your best course would be to tread lightly.

So the Giants have finished their four preseason games and they look to be in midseason form, as far as injuries are concerned. David Diehl is out after thumb surgery, David Baas is out with a knee injury, Jayron Hosley has an ankle injury, Andre Brown has broken his left leg (no surprise there), but the biggest blow is the injury to Stevie Brown. Stevie Brown suffered a torn ACL. That stands for anterior cruciate ligament. That’s like, science, bitch!

 Besides the injuries, there were a few things that I am concerned about:
The secondary has more holes in it than all of Walt’s cover-up stories. This really isn’t a surprise, being that their pass defense has been adequate at best over the past couple of years.
Eli is constantly under pressure. It seems that the defensive line is in his face before he can finish saying “OMAHA!”.
At times their redzone offense is as useful as Badger talking about a pie eating contest story on Star Trek. The Giants have had problems with this for a few seasons and it looks like they might have the same struggles this year.

Brown's out but we still got Wilson. S'all good, man.

But here are a few things I am optimistic about:
David Wilson looks like a very effective running back. At times his future looks as bright as Saul Goodman’s shirts, which is good news considering he will be the workhorse for the next ten weeks.
The defensive line is starting to look disruptive again, and that’s without JP2 lining up. Then again, it would be tough to have a bad defensive line with about thirty players in that position.
Prince Amukamara is stepping up in a big way in his third year in the NFL. This could be the year where he plays like a first round draft pick, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. 

The Giants redzone offense doesn't look this bad, but it's close.

Just because some things didn’t work out well in the preseason doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an ominous kind of foreshadowing. These problems aren’t like the pink teddy bear or the fly buzzing around the meth lab. Case in point, the 2008 Lions were 4-0 in the preseason and then they went on to lose every game in the regular season.

The fact of the matter is it’s almost impossible to figure out how the Giants will do this year. You’d have better luck figuring out what’s going to happen with the Ricin. In fact, one could say that the NFC East is Kafkaesque. Any team can finish on top of that division with nine wins under their belt.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Now I’m sure the Giants will have a hard fought win that will convince me they are a playoff team. Then they will follow that game up with a loss so devastating that I’ll be as speechless as “Tio” Salamanca. Just give me a bell and I’ll be fine. But like I said before, it’s anyone’s division.

So what have I learned?

I’ll be confident with where this team goes as long as they have Eli and Coach Coughlin running things, even though the line protecting Eli breaks down more than Walt and Jesse’s RV.

The key to the Giants success this year will be their ability to score seven points instead of three when they enter the redzone. There were a couple games where those few extra points would have made the difference between making and missing the playoffs last year.

Right now the Giants are number twelve on the NFL power rankings. This is a good thing for this “us against the world” team. It’s true that they have a good amount of issues to deal with, but nothing motivates this team more than being counted out.

I hate it that the Giants are on Sunday night along with Breaking Bad. This Sunday night I'm going to be like Walt choosing between his meth business or his pregnant wife.

I am addicted to Breaking Bad. But I think I probably knew that...
 

"You're Goddamn right!"