Week 5: Giants vs Eagles

“The Giants’ can beat the Eagles today. If they do, they got a shot of making the playoffs.”

Looks like this kid's got the big blues.

This is what I said at a Giants’ tailgate before I entered Metlife Stadium on Sunday. Clearly I was still in denial about how bad the Giants are. But after a long trip using the LIRR, New Jersey Transit, and being held up at Secaucus Junction for forty extra minutes, it was clear to me that the Giants have derailed. The stadium was filled with a bunch of naive fans just like me. Fans thinking that the Giants still have a chance of turning their awful season around. And our loyalty was repaid with a collective, and all too familiar kick to the junk. Myself, and tens of thousands of Giants' fans experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions. From happy, to bummed, to incredulous, to excited, to fired up, to angry, then finally to demoralized.

But this has been the Giants story this season. It’s the same story, only the opponents have changed.
The Giants played sloppy, undisciplined football. They committed unnecessary penalties. Twelve penalties for one hundred and thirty-six yards to be exact. This included three intentional grounding penalties. THREE! That’s more than a normal quarterback should have an entire season!
Coach Coughlin called a timeout in order to challenge a play that didn’t get overturned and it ended up costing the team two timeouts in the second half. The last timeout was used by Eli well before the end of the game to save himself from a delay of game penalty.
Despite having a low success rate, they still go for the home run ball with every fresh set of downs.
When they were backed up into their own end zone, they used an east/west runner in Wilson to try to create space instead of Jacobs, who is better at running between the tackles.
Eli throws three picks in the fourth quarter. Which brings his total for the year to a whopping twelve.
The entire Giants’ team fell apart in the fourth quarter.
The Giants’ punt coverage couldn’t help Weatherford on his coffin corner kicks.
The defensive line couldn’t get much pressure on either of the Philly quarterbacks.
You would think when Vick injured his hammie, they would have a good chance of shutting down the Eagles' offense. This was wasn’t the case as Foles tore them a new one.
Deshawn Jackson was making toast out of the sixth year corner back Trumaine McBride. I’m not sure why their best corner, Prince, wasn’t on him the entire game.

It’s issues like these that resulted in the death of the Giants‘ 2013 season.

The issue is that the Giants’ have been bad all season but now we can all come to grips with it. Now with the demise of anything we love, there are five stages of mourning.

The Giants make these guys look like Pearl Jam.

1) Denial and Isolation: After the first loss you can reason why the Giants’ were at Nickleback suck level, “Hey they aren’t awful. They had six turnovers, but only lost to the Cowboys by a few points. They can turn it around.” Then after the slaughter at the hands of the Broncos, people could say, “The Giants’ were just out-matched by Peyton and the Broncos. It wasn’t a huge shock, but I think they are still better than they were against Denver.” These were the excuses we made. Even a small part of me that was delusional enough to think they still could turn the season around on Sunday. We didn’t want to believe that the Giants’ were just straight up bad this year.

2) Anger: This was occurred after the Giants’ got their butts kicked by the Carolina Panthers. Eli couldn’t get any time in the pocket and the defense gave up a ton of points. They got blown out by a bad team. It was embarrassing and infuriating.

3) Bargaining: Giants’ fans came up with excuses on why they crapped their pants this year. Quick fixes were bring thrown around. “If we only kept Bradshaw”, “If only our offensive line was healthy,” “If Nicks attended those voluntary workouts”, “If only JPP was healthy”, “If only Stevie Brown didn’t get injured”. "If" can be a very dangerous word.

4) Depression: After the dust settled from the Panthers beatdown, the Giants’ got their asses handed to them by the Chiefs. This was a devastating blow to Giants’ fans everywhere. After that all of those fans that tried to believe in Big Blue were now shuffling around in sweatpants and stained t-shirts, listening to Morrissey, and watching the Giants’ Super Bowl DVD to remember the good times.

Mourning is not easy an easy thing to do.

5) Acceptance: After the loss to the Eagles, it was confirmed that the Giants’ are done. Eli’s late interceptions were the final nails in the coffin. Now the Giants are Sonny at the toll booth, they're Quint on the Orca, they're Mr. Orange it the warehouse. In other words, they are long gone, but now it’s safe to finally embrace it.

So what have I learned?

I could rattle off a few reasons on why they're so bad. But honestly what's the point?

Unfortunately, the G-Men just need to take their lumps and get through this season. They’ll pick up some wins along the way but it’s not going to be easy.

The Giants are in major need of a reload. I wouldn’t necessarily say they need to rebuild. A top five pick in next year’s draft should definitely help.

The whole team stinks.

Week 4: Giants at Chiefs

Well, I must say I wasn’t as optimistic about this game against the Chiefs as I was with the Panthers game. But I can probably chalk that up to me lowering my expectations so I wouldn’t be devastated come Monday. Even though my expectations were extremely low, I was still disappointed. Not Phantom Menace level disappointed, more like Ewoks in Return of the Jedi disappointed.

It wasn't a major disappointment, but what the hell was Lucas doing?

Last week, I didn’t recap the game in detail because it was too damn painful. But I guess I should man up and recap this game. So here it goes.

First Quarter:
The first quarter was all defense on both sides. There was a lot of punt, punt, pass going on. Needless to say there wasn’t much going on, however, the Giants’ second punt by Weatherford was downright Feaglesesque. He dropped the ball at the Chiefs two yard line.
Towards the end of the quarter, Kansas City started a drive pinned against their end zone thanks to Weatherford. They make their way down field to the Giants fourteen by the end of the quarter.
Score: Giants 0-Chiefs 0

Second Quarter:
Remember when the Chiefs started a drive at their two yard line? Well they topped off that drive with a five yard touchdown pass from Alex Smith to tight end Sean McGrath.
The Giants responded in a huge way. On the second play of the drive, Eli and Cruz connect on a sixty-nine yard touchdown.
After the Chiefs punt on the following drive, the Giants takeover. However, Eli got the ball knocked loose by Tamba Hali. The Chiefs recover.
Thankfully, the Chiefs do something that they haven’t done yet this season, turn the ball over. The loose ball was recovered by Spencer Paysinger.
Unfortunately, the Giants throw away opportunities like rotten fruit and they go three and out.
The Chiefs take advantage of this turnover and get a field goal out of their possession.
So with the first half coming to an end, and with the Giants down by three, Eli is trying to work his magic. On fourth and two on the Chiefs thirty-five yard line, Eli connects with Victor Cruz for seven yards. This put the Giants in makeable field goal range... or so I thought. Josh Brown missed the forty-four yard attempt just before halftime.
Halftime: Giants 7-Chiefs 10

Third Quarter:

Move aside, Clooney! We got a new hunk on our hands!

The offense of both teams in this quarter didn’t do much. We saw more of Wilson from Home Improvement than we did from these two offenses. But the defenses were as present as Al Borland’s beard.
The Giants’ first possession ended with a punt.
Alex Smith then gets picked off by Prince Amukamara.
The Giants treated that opportunity like a month old batch of bananas and go three and out.
Kansas City responds in kind and punts the ball away too.
On their next possession, Eli and Nicks looked incredibly out of sync as Eli’s attempted throw to Nicks was overthrown by about twenty yards and was picked off.
Luckily, the Chiefs couldn’t capitalize on that awful display of a passing game and Alex Smith’s pass to Jamaal Charles was kicked up and picked off by Antrel Rolle.
The Giants throw another opportunity away like some moldy peaches and go three and out again.
The Chiefs punt the ball back after three plays.
Here is where the game starts to go from competitive to a slaughter. On the following possession, the Giants were facing a third and seventeen at their fourteen yard line. Eli passes to Cruz, who just barely gets the first down. But hold on, because Andy Reid, who now looks like Santa Claus on summer vacation, wisely challenged the spot of the ball. Turns out Cruz was half a yard short. This created a fourth and one situation and the Giants elected to punt. It turns out that that overturned call was the turning point of this game. Because what happened next was a crane kick to the face.
Weatherford on his thirty-fourth punt of the game, sailed the ball to the speedy Dexter McCluster. He then carves through the Giants’ punt coverage like an infomercial knife and scores an eighty-nine yard touchdown.
As you would have guessed the Giants punted the ball away after they got the ball back. Great way to end the third quarter.
Score: Giants 7-Chiefs 17

Fourth Quarter:

The face of the Giants' offense.

In the fourth quarter, the Giants turned into Wilson's half-face and the Chiefs became Al Borland’s beard.
The Chiefs looked strong and manly, whereas the Giants were just two eyes and a bucket hat peering over a fence.
What started as a promising game turned out to be another let down by the Giants.
Final Score: Giants 7-Chiefs 31

The truth is that this game was competitive, right up until the point when it wasn’t. The defense played well for most of the game. However, the awful performance by the offense and special teams eventually caught up with the defense who then got trampled.

The Giants are on full meltdown watch now. They are are winless after four games, and all but one of these games have been blowouts. It’s not like these games have come down to the wire and they caught a few bad breaks. They are a team that’s playing embarrassingly bad. The offense can’t get anything going, the defense plays well but only for the first two and half quarters, and Josh Brown can’t make any field goals.

What have I learned?

I know I’ve been saying this for a few weeks now, but despite how bad they’ve been, the Giants are still staying afloat. They are only two games out of being tied for first place of the NFC East.

Even though Cruz questioned Coach Coughlin for punting on that fateful fourth and one, the team is starting to show some signs of life. Although, at this point they are only able to wiggle fingers and toes, but hey, it’s a start.

Justin Tuck defended his coach by saying “If anyone turns on our coach, I would be the first one to punch him in the mouth.” It's good to see Tuck acting like a team captain and defending his coach.

Also, Rolle still believes in this team. He thinks the team can win twelve straight and make the playoffs. It’s comments like these that the team needs to rally around play with a sense of urgency.

During the broadcast, Josh Brown was accidentally referred to as Chris Brown. Honestly, I don’t think I’d mind a swap. You know Chris Brown always hits what he’s aiming for. In other words, I really miss Lawrence Tynes.

Even though their injury report has more names on it than the Ellis Island book of records, this upcoming game is more than a Bill Lumburgh game. This is a do or die game. This is a Karate Kid Part II game. Either they win, and walk away with honor, or they get beaten to death and lose it all. Let’s hope the Giants are as fired up as Chozen, and as well trained as Daniel LaRusso.

Live or die, Giants!

Week 3: Giants at Panthers

What a disaster of a game. I mean it’s the Hindenburg, Titanic, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo all rolled into one flaming, sinking, butter smothered ball. I didn’t think it could get much worse for the Giants after the beat down they got from Denver, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

"Ohh the humanity!"

I’m not going to bother with a game recap. It’ll only make me upset and annoyed. Here are some thoughts: The Giants were outplayed in every way by the Panthers. The Panthers came out firing on all cylinders, and the Giants came out flat. The Giants made stupid mistakes and committed stupid penalties. The Panthers played smart and tough. Basically, the Panthers played like they wanted to win more.

This was one of the worst beatings that Eli has taken in his career. If I remember correctly, he got sacked forty-eight times in the first half. Well, at least that’s what it seemed like.

David Wilson and company couldn’t get anything started either. The only time the running game did something, it was taken away by a penalty.

To make matters worse, Giants’ fullback Henry Hynoski, the Hynocerous, has fractured shoulder and is going to miss the rest of the season. However, the addition of fullback John “The Terminator” Connor should be helpful to the team.

The offensive line got destroyed on Sunday. The Panthers front seven ripped through them just like Hulk Hogan ripped through all of those Hulkamania shirts before a match. There was no time for Eli to make plays, and there were no holes created for the running game.

Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the defensive line runs wild on you!?

The defense held on for as long as they could. But, eventually, the levees broke and the Panthers offense, led by Cam Newton, started pouring it on.

So what have I learned?

Blowouts are pretty common between these two teams. In 2006, the Panthers beat the Giants 23-0. In 2009, the Panthers beat the Giants 41-9. Last year the Giants beat the Panthers 36-7. And we all saw how this game panned out.

Okay, this is way worse than getting sacked every play.

It was tough seeing Eli looking so dejected. He’s usually got the bumpkin country face going for him, but on the sidelines he looked like a kid who was sent to his room without ice cream. Can’t say I blame him. Standing behind center for this game must have felt the same as standing in the landing crafts that were about to storm the beaches of Normandy.

Maybe Coughlin should be on the chopping block. The teams always seems to band together when there are rumblings of Coughlin getting canned. Honestly, with the way this season’s going, he might be.

Jerry Reese should shoulder some of the blame for the lack of success by the Giants. Being the GM, he hasn’t done a good job with making the defense stronger, and he hasn’t done much to help rebuild an aging offensive line. I understand it’s a tough task to achieve this with Giants constantly struggling to be under the salary cap. But defensively they’ve only added underachieving or injury prone players, and the only good addition to the o-line is the drafting of Justin Pugh.

"Yeaaah, I'm gonna need you to turn your season around ASAP. Mmmkay?"

We might have to accept the fact the Giants just might not be that good. They need to turn things around quickly, but truthfully, the problems might be so deep that they can’t turn it around.

Their next game against Kansas City isn’t necessarily a must win because it’s only September, so it’s more of a “Bill Lumbergh” game. In other words, it’s a “hey, if you could go ahead and win on Sunday, that would be great” game. Once you go 0-4 it’s a tough road back to relevance. But
remember, it’s still a close division, and it will be for the season. Anything can happen, but why chance it?

Week 2: Giants vs Broncos

Shame on me. Shame on me for thinking that the Giants had a chance in this game. Shame on me for thinking that they’d win, despite multiple sport analysts and sport personalities picked them to upset the Broncos. Shame.

I’m going to reluctantly recap the game. But if I’m going to be honest, I started to tune out towards the end of the game. So I’ll be piecing the end of the game together like a blackout. Here goes nothing...

1st Quarter:
The Broncos started off the game receiving the ball. They drove down the field in dominant fashion, but luckily the Broncos’ rookie running back Montee Ball fumbled the ball near the goal line. The Giants recovered the ball in the endzone for a touchback.
On the Giants’ first possession, they drive down the field only to settle for a field goal.
The Giants and Broncos exchanged punts for the rest of the quarter.
Score: Giants 3-Broncos 0

2nd Quarter:
The Broncos were in the middle of a drive at the beginning of the second quarter. It wasn’t long until Broncos’ running back Knowshon Moreno broke off a twenty yard touchdown run.
After they exchange punts, the Giants start their possession with great field position. Eli connects with Brandon Myers and it looks like Myers has a good shot of making to the endzone. But instead he stumbles and falls to the ground on the eighteen yard line. At that point I knew they weren’t getting a touchdown on that possession. After a Rueben Randle fumble that was luckily taken away due to a defensive penalty and some dropped passes, I was proven right. They settle for three points.
After a Denver punt, the Giants kick yet another field goal and and the Broncos respond in kind.
With the first half winding down and the Giants trailing, Eli came out throwing. Eli closes out this drive with a deep throw to endzone, where nobody wearing a blue jersey is. It was picked off easily by Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.
Big brother Peyton kneels the ball to end the half.
Score: Giants 9-Broncos 10

3rd Quarter:
The G-Men start the second half in spectacular fashion by going three and out.
The Broncos, who probably are the best at halftime adjustments, drove right downfield and Peyton connected with Wes Welker for a two yard touchdown.

Welcome back, Brandon.

New York gets the ball back and, with the help of defensive penalties, the Giants make it to the goal line. Now it’s time for the Giants’ prodigal son Brandon Jacobs to get the rock. Jacobs gets stuffed at the line but is then taunted by Denver’s Terrance Knighton. At that point I say, give it to Jacobs again, because there’s no way he’s not getting in after that. And, like before, I was correct as he wasn’t denied and scored a touchdown. Then he did that crazy-ass dance of his.
On the Broncos’ next drive Peyton connected with Demaryius Thomas for a sixteen yard play, but he fumbled. The Giants were trying to grab that ball like it was a greased pig. It was eventually recovered by Denver’s Moreno. Another wasted opportunity by the Giants. But don’t worry, it didn’t bite them in the ass or anything. Except if  you consider Denver scoring as being bitten in the ass. Then yes, the Giants got bitten in the ass. Really hard. Like if you were swimming in shark infested waters with a chum bathing suit. 
The Giants run one play before the end of the third quarter.
Score: Giants 16-Broncos 24

4th Quarter:
The first play of the quarter was the Giants second play of the drive. Which was Eli’s second interception.
Eli’s brother takes over and throws a touchdown to Julius Thomas.
The following Giants’ drive stalled so they punted the ball away. Trindon Holliday fields the punt and houses it. This starts the beginning of my blurred Giants’ game memory.
So the Giants’ get the ball back, and I’m pretty sure that Eli just handed the ball to the Broncos. It was probably an interception but who knows, who cares.
Denver goes three and out on their next possession.
With the Giants’ next drive they scored. I think it was a pass to Da’Rel Scott. I don’t know for sure, though. At this point Slash would have a better chance remembering what he did on Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction tour.

This is what I looked like while I watched the fourth quarter on Sunday.

The Broncos’ responded with a field goal.
When the Giants’ got the ball back with around two minutes left, they were already out of it. So Eli just threw the ball around until he and Randle got crossed up on an option route and the ball was picked off for Eli’s fourth interception.
After Peyton kneels down twice the game is mercifully over.
Score: Giants 23-Denver 41

Hey Tyler Perry, stop. Just stop.

This was a tough game to sit through. There were moments of the game where I’d rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than watch the Giants fall apart. That’s right, I would have preferred Madea over Manning.

Even with their heartbreaking loss to Dallas, I was able to gather a few reasons why they weren’t as bad as they played. However, I can’t really say many positive things about this game except that the reason they got a big brother beat down was because they were just outmatched by a superior team.

So what have I learned?

A lot of the Giants’ problems can be linked to their problems with their offensive line. They have gotten older and slower. This is why they have trouble creating running lanes or pushing the defensive line back on a goal line rush.

Rueben Randle and Eli Manning are having issues getting on the same page. They were a few plays where there was a mix up between the two players that resulted in an interception.

It’s nice to have Brandon Jacobs back. The team was missing some swagger, some grit. He’s gonna bring that back to the locker room.

The Giants are very top heavy in terms of talent. They have a few big name players, but the drop off is tremendous.

Eli can’t always be put in a position where he has to win the game for the Giants. I know that it worked two years ago, but it seems that the same kind of magic won’t happen again this year.

It’s hard to say the Giants have a must win game in September, but they really painted themselves into a corner. I hope that being in this hole will light a fire under their underachieving asses.

That's it! Now you guys are in a poop load of trouble!

The positive thing is that the NFC East is very competitive and very close so they aren’t dead yet. They just have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.