Week 8: Giants at Eagles

Well, I never thought I’d say these words this year, but the Giants find themselves in the middle of a win streak. Well, not the middle, more like a modest beginning of a win streak.

I really thought they were done for, but much like Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Michael Myers, they aren’t dying off quietly. This all might be as premature as Christmas commercials airing before Halloween, but it seems that the Giants could be back in the division, and could be slowly and steadily walking after running and stumbling promiscuous teens. The teens being the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, and Washington R-words. Somehow you know they’ll catch up.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and hide yo husbands!

Let’s get into this big win for the Giants against the Eagles.

First Quarter:

"Sweet moves, Antrel!"

New York starts off receiving the ball. They end up going three and out, and Weatherford kicks a short punt.
The Eagles take over offensively with the hamstrung, sworn enemy of Sarah McLachlan, Mike Vick, under center. On third down of their possession, Vick throws a pass that is picked off by Antrel Rolle. Unfortunately, Rolle and a few other Giants did a Globo Gym Purple Cobras victory dance, and they were flagged for a fifteen yard penalty.
After the pick and dance, the Giants get the ball back. They put together a nine play drive that ends with a Josh Brown field goal. Get ready to read his name a lot.
Philly doesn’t do much in response to the Giants field goal as they go three and out.
On their next drive, the Giants score another three points with the help of Josh Brown.
The Eagles build on their previous three and out drive and earn two first downs before eventually punting the ball away.
After two plays of the Giants following possession, the first quarter wraps up.
Score: Giants 6-Eagles 0

Second Quarter:
The Giants continue their drive that began in the first quarter. The drive ends with, you guessed it, a field goal by Josh Brown. It could have been a touchdown. The Giants were on the doorstep of the end zone, but an illegal formation by Pugh took the Giants back five yards. After three consecutive incomplete passes, they went for the field goal.
Vick and the Eagles take over again, and punt again. But after the drive, a shaken up Vick takes a seat on the bench, and rookie QB Matt Barkley straps on his helmet and starts to loosen up.
Giants get another field goal. This game is becoming as repetitive as the SAW movies.

"Do you want to play a game... of football?"

On their next drive, the Eagles do their best to break up the predictability. Barkley lines up under center, not Vick. The very first play, Barkley fumbles the snap but recovers it. He then throws it to a wide open Brent Celek for a nine yard gain. As a long-time Giants’ fan, stuff like that worries me a lot. My worries continue to be validated as Barkley is driving down the field with ease. With Philly knocking on the door of the Giants’ end zone, it looks like the Eagles can get right back in this game. But the comeback kid, Terrell Thomas, sacked Barkley and stripped the ball. It was recovered by Jacquian Williams.
The half ends in the middle of the Giants’ possession.
Score: Giants 12-Eagles 0

Third Quarter:
With Barkley still leading this team, the Eagles put together a twelve play drive. However, it was only for forty-three yards so they end up punting.
The Giants' next drive still ended with a kick. But it wasn’t Josh Brown’s foot, it was Steve Weatherford’s. It was a Feaglesesque punt, the ball sailing out of bounds at Philadelphia’s five yard line. 
The Eagles go three and out and punt the ball away.
Then when the Giants’ next drive stalls, WeatherFeagles kicks a coffin corner punt so beautiful that it would make Dracula himself weep.
With the Eagles starting a drive on their own three yard line, they go three and out again.
The Giants run a handful of plays before the third quarter ends.
Score: Giants 12-Eagles 0

Fourth Quarter:
The Giants drive ends with yet another field goal by Brown.
The Eagles Punt.
The Giants Punt.
The Eagles Punt.
It looks like the Giants were about to punt again, but instead Zak Deossie launches a ball over Weatherford’s head. Weatherford chases after the ball towards the Giants’ end zone. What he should have done was kick the ball through the Giants end zone for a safety, hell, he should have at least covered up the ball. Instead, he runs over the ball and the Eagles scoop it up for a touchdown.
The Eagles decide to go for the onside kick with just over four minutes left in the game. However, it was an unsuccessful attempt as the Giants recover the ball.
The Giants end up punting the ball after draining over three minutes off of the clock.
With only twenty-seven seconds left in the game, the Eagles try to score a touchdown and hopefully get a two point conversion to tie up the game. But Barkley was instead intercepted by Will Hill. That put the final nail in the coffin.
The Giants kneel the ball the end the game.
Final Score: Giants 15-Eagles 7

If the Giants lost this game, that’d be the season. But this win gives them a bit more life and a bit more confidence. The lack of touchdowns still concern me, especially against a poor defense. The defense, especially against the run, still looks very impressive. Maybe, just maybe, the Giants have turned their team around.

So what have I learned?

Although he’s responsible for a fifteen yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, Antrel Rolle is the heart of this defense.

The Giants’ special team coach, Tom Quinn, will most likely be looking for another job in the spring. The special teams this year has been more awful than The Wicker Man. The Nicolas Cage version.

"You know Nic, the specials teams have been really crappy this year..."

I’m not sure if the bye week at this time helps them or hurts them. I don’t know if it will take away from the Giants’ confidence but maybe it will give them time to prepare themselves for the last half of the season.

So can the Giants rise from the dead like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers? Only time will tell.

Week 7: Giants vs Vikings

Well, the Giants finally won a game. It only took them seven tries and one awful opponent to achieve it, but it was still a win. This game was hard to watch at times, like the Kathy Bates’ hot tub scene in About Schmidt. In their previous games, there were bright spots and areas of concern. This game was no different. Let’s dive in head first into this ugly win, not the jacuzzi.

...then things started getting weird at the Jersey Shore house.

1st Quarter:
The game starts off with the Giants on offense. Eli and the Giants put together a seventeen play drive which lasted over nine minutes. Unfortunately on a third and three, Eli slightly overthrows Nicks in the end zone and the Giants have to settle for three.
The Vikings punt the ball away on their first drive.
New York’s following drive stalls so they punt the ball away as well. However, the punt coverage proved to be as useful as a lead life preserver. Not only do they give up a touchdown, but they commit two penalties while giving up the touchdown, so that’s a plus. 
The Giants get the ball back and run one play to end the quarter.
Score: Giants 3-Vikings 7

2nd Quarter:
This fifteen minute chunk of football was pretty tough to sit through. The quarter starts off with both teams going three and out.
After the Vikings punt, the Giants put together a seven play drive that culminates with a twenty-four yard touchdown pass from Eli to Wrong Page Randle.
Another key play was on the Vikings next drive. They drive down to the Giants’ thirty-five yard line when they get stopped on third down. Vikings’ kicker Blair Walsh attempts the fifty-three yard field goal but it didn’t have the distance.
After that missed attempt, the Giants and Vikings just punted to each other for the rest of the half. It was awful.
Score: Giants 10-Vikings 7

3rd Quarter:
Minnesota starts off the half with a drive that doesn’t go very far so they elected to punt the ball away. However, good ol’ Wrong Page coughs up the ball on a punt return and the Vikings get another chance of at least tying the game. But that turnover was wasted as Antrel Rolle intercepts a beauty of a pass from Josh Freeman.

Usually when I need Pepto during a game, it's because of eating wings.

Then the Giants go three and out.
Then the Vikings go three an out.
Then the Giants go three and out again, but this punt return was fumbled by Marcus Sherels, the same guy who housed a punt before.
Then everyone watching the game begins to get nauseous.
But the Giants don’t waste this turnover as newcomer Peyton Hillis rumbles into the end zone for a one yard touchdown.
Then the Vikings punted again.
The Giants start to wrap up the game when the third quarter ends.
Score Giants 17-Vikings 7

4th Quarter:
New York continues the drive that was started in the third quarter, and they finish it with a field goal from Josh Brown.
On the Giants kickoff after their field goal, Vikings return man, Sharrif Floyd, fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered. If you weren’t sure that this game was a prime example of hungover Thanksgiving Day football in pads, then this play confirmed it.
The Giants went three and out but they were able to grab another three points with another field goal by Brown.
The rest of the game included Josh Freeman throwing the ball to people on sidelines and in the crowd, and the Giants running out the clock.
Final Score: Giants 23-Vikings 7

"22's the Mike! OMAHA!"

To be honest, winning a game against a Josh Freeman led Vikings’ team is like beating a pee-wee team. The only problem is that the pee-wee team was giving the Giants some trouble early on in the game.

There are some things that the Giants did well on Monday night. They held Adrian Peterson to a measly twenty-eight yards rushing. There was finally pressure on the quarterback. Hillis looked good in the passing game, in terms of blocking and receiving. The offensive play calling was effective.

But don’t worry, the Giants still give you plenty of reasons to be concerned. They still gave up another punt return for a touchdown. That makes three for the season. Eli was close to getting picked off three times, luckily the Vikings’ secondary has worse hands than Hakeem Nicks. Speaking of which, you’d think that Nicks would be better at catching balls with those monster hands of his. It also doesn’t help that Eli was off target on some of his throws.

So what have I learned?

Jon Beason is a beast for the Giants. At first I didn’t think he’d contribute much to the team, but he’s been an essential part of the Giants’ defense.

Hillis will be serviceable as a third down back for the Giants, but I don’t expect him to be the work horse of the running game.

So for as sloppy as the game was, this was a crucial win for the Giants. Not only was it their first win of the season, but this win gives Big Blue some confidence heading into the second half of the season. Do I think this will spark a playoff run? No, but it may make for more enjoyable Sunday nights.

Week 6: Giants at Bears

At least they didn’t get blown out. Is that a good enough consolation prize for a now 0-6 football team? Personally, I’d prefer the consolation prizes from Family Double Dare, but then again, I’ve always wanted a personal Karaoke machine.

Obviously I'd rather go to Space Camp, but this will do.

When I think about the previous losses that the Giants have endured, losing by six points to a good Bears team in Chicago isn’t that bad. In fact, if the Giants had actually won a couple of games this season, this game would just be one of those “heartbreaker” games that didn’t go their way.

1st Quarter:
The Giants win the coin toss and elect to receive the ball. Good start. Then Eli Manning, who is trying to beat Brett Favre’s career interception total in one season, throws a pick on a pass intended for Rueben “Wrong Page” Randle. So much for that good start.

"Hey, Eli! Come over and I'll show you the ropes. First off, do you have a camera phone?"

The Bears’ offense, led by the pouty-faced Jay Culter, takes the field at the Giants’ twelve yard line. However, the Giants’ defense held strong and the Bears ended up getting denied on a fourth and two rush attempt.
So with the momentum shifting back to the Giants’ favor, the offense took the field. It’s their time to capitalize on that defense stop. Eli doesn’t disappoint as he throws a touchdown, to Bears’ defensive back Tim Jennings.
Despite that pick six, the Giants came back out swinging. They put together a ten play, eighty yard drive, capped off with a rushing touchdown by the rejuvenated Brandon Jacobs.
After that long scoring drive, the Bears started to manufacture a long scoring drive of their own. The quarter ends halfway through their drive.
Score: Giants 7-Bears 7

2nd Quarter:
At the beginning of the quarter the Bears finish off their drive with a ten yard pass to Brandon Marshall.
The Giants recovered nicely, and scored on the following drive on a thirty-seven yard pass from Manning to good ol’ Wrong Page.
In response the Giants’ touchdown, the Bears drive down the field again and finish it off with a touchdown pass from Cutler to, you guess it, Brandon Marshall. This game has turned into a real shootout.
Well, that is until the Giants go three and out on the following possession.
Chicago responds with a field goal.
Halftime: Giants 14-Chicago 24

3rd Quarter:
With Chicago already up by ten points, they start off with the ball in the second half. It could've been devastating if the Bears got a touchdown on that drive. Luckily, the Giants held them to a fifty-two yard field goal.
So after an effective first half of the Giants’ running game, Gilbride and company decided it was in the Giants best interest to start their second half with three straight passes. Needless to say that drive stalled and ended in a punt.
The Bears end up punting the ball away on the following drive.
On their next possession, the Giants pulled their heads out of their asses and start to run the ball with Jacobs again. And surprise, surprise, the drive ended in a one yard touchdown run by Jacobs.
Score: Giants 21-Bears 27

4th Quarter:

At least this isn't the new Eli face.

Alright, it was gut-check time for Big Blue. They’ve been awful in the fourth quarter. Like Kristen Stewart’s personality awful. It was time to see if the Giants could turn it around.
The Bears started off with the ball but after a long drive the ended up punting.
The Giants responded with a punt as well.
The game was on the Giants defense again. Could they prevent the Bears from scoring again? It turns out that they could as the defense forced another punt.
Now the Giants were only down by six with over five minutes left. Unlike the past seasons, very much like the game against Dallas, Eli doesn't seem to have that late-game magic. He threw a high ball to tight end Brandon Myers, which slipped past his hands and into the hands of  Chicago’s Tim Jennings.
The Bears run out the clock and that ends the game.
Final Score: Giants 21-Bears 27

The Giants going winless after the first six games is very demoralizing. But I did notice some things that we could be optimistic about. They didn’t go for the home run ball with every new set of downs. The Giants stuck with their running game. Eli only got sacked once. The defense was very good at stopping the run. They only gave up two touchdowns to a good Bears offense. The defense also shut the Bears down in the fourth quarter.

But despite all of these silver linings, there are negatives. Eli still cost his team the game. That pick-six really could have been the difference maker for this contest. Jay Cutler had nothing to worry about in the pocket. With the Giants’ lack of pressure, Cutler was as calm as a Hindu Cow.

So what have I learned?

Rated E for "Erased from People's Memory".

Maybe David Wilson isn’t the best fit for an aging offensive line. They are currently built for a downhill runner, not a chicken with his head cut off kind of runner. 

The addition of former Madden cover-boy, and the still Madden cursed, Peyton Hillis shows you the type of running back that the Giants can work best with. Also, the return of a, hopefully, a fully healthy Andre Brown in a few weeks could be a big boost for Big Blue.

After the Bears game, the Giants are showing signs that they can improve this year. I’m not predicting a massive playoff run, I’m just saying if they continue to play smart and Eli doesn’t give away the ball, but they can piece together a few wins.

Week 5: Giants vs Eagles

“The Giants’ can beat the Eagles today. If they do, they got a shot of making the playoffs.”

Looks like this kid's got the big blues.

This is what I said at a Giants’ tailgate before I entered Metlife Stadium on Sunday. Clearly I was still in denial about how bad the Giants are. But after a long trip using the LIRR, New Jersey Transit, and being held up at Secaucus Junction for forty extra minutes, it was clear to me that the Giants have derailed. The stadium was filled with a bunch of naive fans just like me. Fans thinking that the Giants still have a chance of turning their awful season around. And our loyalty was repaid with a collective, and all too familiar kick to the junk. Myself, and tens of thousands of Giants' fans experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions. From happy, to bummed, to incredulous, to excited, to fired up, to angry, then finally to demoralized.

But this has been the Giants story this season. It’s the same story, only the opponents have changed.
The Giants played sloppy, undisciplined football. They committed unnecessary penalties. Twelve penalties for one hundred and thirty-six yards to be exact. This included three intentional grounding penalties. THREE! That’s more than a normal quarterback should have an entire season!
Coach Coughlin called a timeout in order to challenge a play that didn’t get overturned and it ended up costing the team two timeouts in the second half. The last timeout was used by Eli well before the end of the game to save himself from a delay of game penalty.
Despite having a low success rate, they still go for the home run ball with every fresh set of downs.
When they were backed up into their own end zone, they used an east/west runner in Wilson to try to create space instead of Jacobs, who is better at running between the tackles.
Eli throws three picks in the fourth quarter. Which brings his total for the year to a whopping twelve.
The entire Giants’ team fell apart in the fourth quarter.
The Giants’ punt coverage couldn’t help Weatherford on his coffin corner kicks.
The defensive line couldn’t get much pressure on either of the Philly quarterbacks.
You would think when Vick injured his hammie, they would have a good chance of shutting down the Eagles' offense. This was wasn’t the case as Foles tore them a new one.
Deshawn Jackson was making toast out of the sixth year corner back Trumaine McBride. I’m not sure why their best corner, Prince, wasn’t on him the entire game.

It’s issues like these that resulted in the death of the Giants‘ 2013 season.

The issue is that the Giants’ have been bad all season but now we can all come to grips with it. Now with the demise of anything we love, there are five stages of mourning.

The Giants make these guys look like Pearl Jam.

1) Denial and Isolation: After the first loss you can reason why the Giants’ were at Nickleback suck level, “Hey they aren’t awful. They had six turnovers, but only lost to the Cowboys by a few points. They can turn it around.” Then after the slaughter at the hands of the Broncos, people could say, “The Giants’ were just out-matched by Peyton and the Broncos. It wasn’t a huge shock, but I think they are still better than they were against Denver.” These were the excuses we made. Even a small part of me that was delusional enough to think they still could turn the season around on Sunday. We didn’t want to believe that the Giants’ were just straight up bad this year.

2) Anger: This was occurred after the Giants’ got their butts kicked by the Carolina Panthers. Eli couldn’t get any time in the pocket and the defense gave up a ton of points. They got blown out by a bad team. It was embarrassing and infuriating.

3) Bargaining: Giants’ fans came up with excuses on why they crapped their pants this year. Quick fixes were bring thrown around. “If we only kept Bradshaw”, “If only our offensive line was healthy,” “If Nicks attended those voluntary workouts”, “If only JPP was healthy”, “If only Stevie Brown didn’t get injured”. "If" can be a very dangerous word.

4) Depression: After the dust settled from the Panthers beatdown, the Giants’ got their asses handed to them by the Chiefs. This was a devastating blow to Giants’ fans everywhere. After that all of those fans that tried to believe in Big Blue were now shuffling around in sweatpants and stained t-shirts, listening to Morrissey, and watching the Giants’ Super Bowl DVD to remember the good times.

Mourning is not easy an easy thing to do.

5) Acceptance: After the loss to the Eagles, it was confirmed that the Giants’ are done. Eli’s late interceptions were the final nails in the coffin. Now the Giants are Sonny at the toll booth, they're Quint on the Orca, they're Mr. Orange it the warehouse. In other words, they are long gone, but now it’s safe to finally embrace it.

So what have I learned?

I could rattle off a few reasons on why they're so bad. But honestly what's the point?

Unfortunately, the G-Men just need to take their lumps and get through this season. They’ll pick up some wins along the way but it’s not going to be easy.

The Giants are in major need of a reload. I wouldn’t necessarily say they need to rebuild. A top five pick in next year’s draft should definitely help.

The whole team stinks.

Week 4: Giants at Chiefs

Well, I must say I wasn’t as optimistic about this game against the Chiefs as I was with the Panthers game. But I can probably chalk that up to me lowering my expectations so I wouldn’t be devastated come Monday. Even though my expectations were extremely low, I was still disappointed. Not Phantom Menace level disappointed, more like Ewoks in Return of the Jedi disappointed.

It wasn't a major disappointment, but what the hell was Lucas doing?

Last week, I didn’t recap the game in detail because it was too damn painful. But I guess I should man up and recap this game. So here it goes.

First Quarter:
The first quarter was all defense on both sides. There was a lot of punt, punt, pass going on. Needless to say there wasn’t much going on, however, the Giants’ second punt by Weatherford was downright Feaglesesque. He dropped the ball at the Chiefs two yard line.
Towards the end of the quarter, Kansas City started a drive pinned against their end zone thanks to Weatherford. They make their way down field to the Giants fourteen by the end of the quarter.
Score: Giants 0-Chiefs 0

Second Quarter:
Remember when the Chiefs started a drive at their two yard line? Well they topped off that drive with a five yard touchdown pass from Alex Smith to tight end Sean McGrath.
The Giants responded in a huge way. On the second play of the drive, Eli and Cruz connect on a sixty-nine yard touchdown.
After the Chiefs punt on the following drive, the Giants takeover. However, Eli got the ball knocked loose by Tamba Hali. The Chiefs recover.
Thankfully, the Chiefs do something that they haven’t done yet this season, turn the ball over. The loose ball was recovered by Spencer Paysinger.
Unfortunately, the Giants throw away opportunities like rotten fruit and they go three and out.
The Chiefs take advantage of this turnover and get a field goal out of their possession.
So with the first half coming to an end, and with the Giants down by three, Eli is trying to work his magic. On fourth and two on the Chiefs thirty-five yard line, Eli connects with Victor Cruz for seven yards. This put the Giants in makeable field goal range... or so I thought. Josh Brown missed the forty-four yard attempt just before halftime.
Halftime: Giants 7-Chiefs 10

Third Quarter:

Move aside, Clooney! We got a new hunk on our hands!

The offense of both teams in this quarter didn’t do much. We saw more of Wilson from Home Improvement than we did from these two offenses. But the defenses were as present as Al Borland’s beard.
The Giants’ first possession ended with a punt.
Alex Smith then gets picked off by Prince Amukamara.
The Giants treated that opportunity like a month old batch of bananas and go three and out.
Kansas City responds in kind and punts the ball away too.
On their next possession, Eli and Nicks looked incredibly out of sync as Eli’s attempted throw to Nicks was overthrown by about twenty yards and was picked off.
Luckily, the Chiefs couldn’t capitalize on that awful display of a passing game and Alex Smith’s pass to Jamaal Charles was kicked up and picked off by Antrel Rolle.
The Giants throw another opportunity away like some moldy peaches and go three and out again.
The Chiefs punt the ball back after three plays.
Here is where the game starts to go from competitive to a slaughter. On the following possession, the Giants were facing a third and seventeen at their fourteen yard line. Eli passes to Cruz, who just barely gets the first down. But hold on, because Andy Reid, who now looks like Santa Claus on summer vacation, wisely challenged the spot of the ball. Turns out Cruz was half a yard short. This created a fourth and one situation and the Giants elected to punt. It turns out that that overturned call was the turning point of this game. Because what happened next was a crane kick to the face.
Weatherford on his thirty-fourth punt of the game, sailed the ball to the speedy Dexter McCluster. He then carves through the Giants’ punt coverage like an infomercial knife and scores an eighty-nine yard touchdown.
As you would have guessed the Giants punted the ball away after they got the ball back. Great way to end the third quarter.
Score: Giants 7-Chiefs 17

Fourth Quarter:

The face of the Giants' offense.

In the fourth quarter, the Giants turned into Wilson's half-face and the Chiefs became Al Borland’s beard.
The Chiefs looked strong and manly, whereas the Giants were just two eyes and a bucket hat peering over a fence.
What started as a promising game turned out to be another let down by the Giants.
Final Score: Giants 7-Chiefs 31

The truth is that this game was competitive, right up until the point when it wasn’t. The defense played well for most of the game. However, the awful performance by the offense and special teams eventually caught up with the defense who then got trampled.

The Giants are on full meltdown watch now. They are are winless after four games, and all but one of these games have been blowouts. It’s not like these games have come down to the wire and they caught a few bad breaks. They are a team that’s playing embarrassingly bad. The offense can’t get anything going, the defense plays well but only for the first two and half quarters, and Josh Brown can’t make any field goals.

What have I learned?

I know I’ve been saying this for a few weeks now, but despite how bad they’ve been, the Giants are still staying afloat. They are only two games out of being tied for first place of the NFC East.

Even though Cruz questioned Coach Coughlin for punting on that fateful fourth and one, the team is starting to show some signs of life. Although, at this point they are only able to wiggle fingers and toes, but hey, it’s a start.

Justin Tuck defended his coach by saying “If anyone turns on our coach, I would be the first one to punch him in the mouth.” It's good to see Tuck acting like a team captain and defending his coach.

Also, Rolle still believes in this team. He thinks the team can win twelve straight and make the playoffs. It’s comments like these that the team needs to rally around play with a sense of urgency.

During the broadcast, Josh Brown was accidentally referred to as Chris Brown. Honestly, I don’t think I’d mind a swap. You know Chris Brown always hits what he’s aiming for. In other words, I really miss Lawrence Tynes.

Even though their injury report has more names on it than the Ellis Island book of records, this upcoming game is more than a Bill Lumburgh game. This is a do or die game. This is a Karate Kid Part II game. Either they win, and walk away with honor, or they get beaten to death and lose it all. Let’s hope the Giants are as fired up as Chozen, and as well trained as Daniel LaRusso.

Live or die, Giants!