Week 16: Giants at Ravens

Well, Christmas has come and gone. Santa dropped off presents to all of the kids around the world, and the Giants have collectively dropped a deuce in the stocking of every Giant fan across the globe.

The entire Giants' team is on the naughty list.

Let's get this recap over with. I'll try to keep it brief.

First Quarter:
The Giants received the ball to start the game. They ended up punting without getting a first down.

This is the Human Torch, in case you didn't know.

The Ravens followed that with a long drive, topped off with a short Joe Flacco touchdown pass to Torrey Smith.
In response to that scoring drive, the Giants punted again without gaining a first down.
Then the Human Torch, Corey Webster, gave up another big pass play. Flacco had a one yard run for another touchdown.
The Giants finally got something going after giving up their second touchdown. There was a very nice pitch and catch from Eli to Rueben Randle. The drive culminated in a David Wilson touchdown run and a Turbo Time flip.
Score: Giants 7-Ravens 14

Second/Third Quarter:
The Giants didn't do much offensively during these two quarters. It was nothing but quarterback pressure and punts.
The Ravens, on the other hand, dropped thirteen more points on the defending Super Bowl champs.
Score: Giants 7-Ravens 27

Fourth Quarter:
Baltimore started off the final quarter with the ball. They kicked a field goal to end the drive.
After the Giants went three and out and punted the ball back to the Ravens, Baltimore scored another field goal.
The Giants finally got another touchdown after a long eleven play drive. It was a short pass from Manning to Hixon.
The Ravens then ran out the clock to seal the win for them, and a loss for the G Men.
Final Score Giants 14-Ravens 33

Joe Flacco, who looks like a meat-headed Cillian Murphy, looked like Joe Montana against the Giants.

Cillian Murphy

Joe Flacco

The Giants' defense used a 4-4 defense in order to stop the run. It proved to be as useless as a defensive driving class for Lindsay Lohan since they gave up two one hundred yard rushers on Sunday.

The Giants' offense wasn't any better. Eli was under pressure the entire game. And because the Giants were down so much so early, the running game had to be abandoned like a misfit toy.

Overall, the last couple of weeks, the Giants have been more disappointing than unwrapping socks Christmas morning. They've given their fans nothing exciting, nothing to feel optimistic about.

So what have I learned?

The Giants are hungover. Like "waking up with horrible things drawn on your face" hungover.
What has gone wrong to cause this Super Bowl hangover? I have a few thoughts on why.

"I won a Super Bowl, then I blacked out. What happened?"

-One is that they are the Tinman of the NFL. They are lacking heart. Maybe they need Shane Falco, not Joe Flacco, to suit up to inspire this team.
-Their starting running back is always a game-time decision. It's hard to have a solid game plan if you never know for sure who will be running the ball.
-It also creates a tough situation for Eli, who has to essentially put every game on his shoulders. Normally this wouldn't be an issue but he's taken a step back this year.
-It doesn't help Eli and the running game that the Giants offense line is getting older.
-The secondary and linebacking core is thinner than wrapping paper.
-Usually JPP, Tuck and Osi are disruptive enough to give the secondary some relief, but this year they are only ghosts of what they were in the past.
-Maybe they just believed their own hype of being world champs.
-Maybe they took the whole "backed into a corner" thing for granted.
 The Giants of the past few years took advantage when they controlled their own destiny. Since they couldn't take care of business, they need a lot of help.

It was a nice Christmas present from the Cowboys to lose and give us last chance, even if that chance is as slim as Clark Griswold getting a normal sized Christmas tree.

It's not big, it's just... full.

 It will take more than a Christmas present for the Giants to make it to the playoffs. It will take a Christmas miracle. 

Week 15: Giants at Falcons

I'll try to keep this brief:

What an awful game! A week removed from dominating the Saints, in the thick of a playoff push, and with only a one game lead over the Redskins and Cowboys, this was a much needed win for the Giants. Apparently, they didn't cover that in their team meetings.

I have to be honest with you, I gave up on watching this game. I had better things to do, like testing the durability of athletic cups against falling bricks and Louisville Sluggers. Okay, I didn't do that, but it was probably equally as painful. Here's my recap:

Still better than watching another failed fourth down conversion.

Blehh bleehh Eli interception.
Blahh blah Falcons' touchdown.
Blaaaahh Blah Noodle Leg misses a field goal.
Bleeehhhh Falcons' touchdown.
Giants fail to convert a fourth down because they don't trust Noodle Leg. BLAH BLAH
BLAAAHHHH BLAAAHHHH BLAAAHHH Falcons score again.
So on and so fourth until the clock, and the Giants' score,  hit all zeros.

"We gained a yard!" It's the moral victories.

Basically the Giants played like the Little Giants, but the first half Little Giants, the team before Ice Box dropped her pom poms and grabbed a helmet. And everyone wearing a Falcons' helmet seemed to be Spike. There was no "pitch it to Johnny," there was no intimidation with Alka Seltzer tabs, and there was no "Annexation of Puerto Rico." But most important, there were no points. None.

Eli started off with a bang when he threw one his famous "oopsie" throws;  he had a few of those. He over-threw a wide open Hakeem Nicks. He was out of synch the entire game.

Hixon really stepped up this game as he caught five balls for eighty yards. It was probably due to a lack of depth in Atlanta's secondary, but he was the most reliable target for Eli. 

David Wilson and Kregg Lumpkin were running well. Unfortunately, the Giants fell so far behind so quickly that they had to abandon the run. 

I knew the Giants defense would greatly suffer without Prince Amukamara being there. They've been able to get by without Kenny Phillips because Prince was all over receivers like the IRS on Nicolas Cage. Since Prince wasn't in Atlanta this past Sunday, the secondary was wide open for Matty Ice and company.

To continue paying off his debt, Nicolas Cage is now doing a movie about Nickleback.

The pass rush didn't do much to help out the secondary either. They had an overwhelming lack of a presence on Sunday. A painfully obvious lack of pressure. Ryan had all the time in the world to shred the depleted secondary. And that's what he did.

So what have I learned?

If you want to put a damper on the Giants offense, limit David Wilson's kick returns. He seems to ignite the offense when he explodes for a big return.

Prince needs to come back as soon as possible. He's been a very effective cornerback this year, and the team suffers without him. I don't want Jayron Hosley getting embarrassed becoming a routine occurrence.

This was a statement game for the Falcons. They needed to prove to everyone else in the league that they need to be viewed as one of the most dominant teams in the league. The Giants were over-matched in every aspect of the game. Let's hope the Giants make a statement against the Baltimore Ravens. The statement being never count the Giants out.
 
Besides the first week when they lost to Dallas, this is the first time the Giants are really underdogs. We all know the Giants have the reputation of playing their best when the going gets tough. Remember, the last two times they won Super Bowls, they got blown out in mid-December. Both times they didn't get hot until around Christmas. But are these the same guys from last year? How will they respond to this adversity? Will they be the Little Giants with Ice Box, or the Little Giants without Ice Box?

Since the NFC East playoff schedule is looking like a math problem that only Will Hunting could solve, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I only know that if the Giants win their remaining two games, they are in the dance.

This playoff picture is wicked hahd to solve!

Two must wins in late December to make the playoffs?  I like their chances.

Week 14: Giants vs Saints

"Just when I thought you couldn't play ANY worse, you play a game like this... and totally redeem yourself!" This was a game of redemption for the Giants. After they embarrassed themselves last week in Washington, and after all of the beatings that they've been given by the Saints over the years, the Giants needed a win over the Saints. The Giants got what they needed when they smacked around the Saints on Sunday.

The Giants on the road to the playoffs.

There was a ton of scoring here. This recap may take a while. 

First Quarter:
The action started on the Saints opening possession when Hofstra's finest, Marques Colston, coughed the ball up to the Giants after a long reception.
Eli Manning, trying to capitalize on the turnover, fires off one of his "oopsie" throws which is picked off and housed. Cue the Eli face.
On the ensuing kickoff, the speedy rookie, David Wilson, returned the kick ninety seven yards for a touchdown, followed by a very impressive back flip in the endzone. Fun fact: The last time a kick off was taken to the house was December 29, 2007 against the Patriots. That's sixty eight regular season games and nine post season games during that time span.
The Saints tried to get some momentum back on their following possession. However, the Saints' fullback Jed Collins got the ball stripped by Antrel Rolle, and the ball is scooped up by Linval Joseph.

Sunday, the Black Unicorn leapt into the crowd to stop a crime.

The Giants capitalized on that turnover and Eli connected with the Black Unicorn on a short touchdown pass. The Black Unicorn then leaped over the tall wall and into the crowd of Metlife Stadium.
Score: Giants 14-Saints 7

Second Quarter:
New Orleans started off the second quarter with the ball. This drive resulted in a field goal for the Saints.
The Giants weren't so lucky on their follow-up possession, as Lawrence, Noodle Leg, Tynes misses a field goal attempt.
The Saints scored another field goal on their next possession.
With just under two minutes left in the half, the Giants were looking to get one last score in before they head to the locker rooms. They got that score with an incredible catch by Domenik Hixon. 
Score: Giants 21-Saints 13

Third Quarter:
The third quarter began with a Giants kickoff to the Saints. On his first play of the half, the newest member of One Direction, Drew Brees, over-threw Jimmy Graham and who else but Stevie Brown was at the right spot to intercept the tipped ball.

All of this for a Pepsi?

Wilson ran it into the endzone for a touchdown. Then he followed that up with another back flip.
The Giants got the ball back quickly after a Saints three and out. They took advantage of that as Eli threw a perfect ball to Hakeem Nicks for another Giants touchdown.
Brees and company responded to that drive by showing the Giants how explosive they could be. It only took three plays for the Saints to travel seventy five yards for a Darren Sproles touchdown.
In response to that quick strike by New Orleans, Eli Manning throws another pick. Fortunately, this one is not housed.
The Saints took advantage and Darren Sproles scored another touchdown. This time, it was a pass out of the backfield.
Score: Giants 35-Saints 27

Fourth Quarter:
The fourth quarter was all Giants. A Cruz touchdown, another Brees interception, a Noodle Leg field goal, and a fifty-two yard touchdown run by David Wilson. That run was the nail in the coffin.
Final score: Giants 52-Saints 27

Besides a few "oopsie" throws, Eli had a great game. He tossed four touchdowns and threw for two hundred and fifty-nine yards. He wasn't phased at all by the interceptions he threw, and didn't stop making gutsy throws down field.

The receiving core did a great job also. Four different receivers got touchdown grabs. Cruz had the big plays, but that's his role as a receiver. Nicks and Bennett were steady targets for Eli.

David Wilson, welcome to the NFL. He had one hundred rushing yards and a touchdown, not to mention his incredible kick off returns. I know that the Saints are awful against the run, but he was very impressive on Sunday. His flips were equally as impressive.

Overall, the Giants defense played a great game against a great offense. Brees didn't look comfortable in the pocket for most of the game. Stevie Brown was at it again with his two interceptions. Antrel Rolle was all over the field making plays. Even though they only had one sack, the defensive line was disruptive enough to make a difference. 

So what have I learned?

David Wilson has received the nickname "Turbo" because he's like a video game with a "turbo" button that pushes him through holes. This, of course, means I'm going to be saying "It's Turbo Time!" every time he does something great. I considered the nickname "Flip", but Flip Wilson was an actor/comedian in the 1960s and 70s.

"IT'S TEARBO TIME!"

Hakeem Nicks is in desperate need of an off-season. He walks on and off the field like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard.  But, despite looking like he walked over shattered glass, he still is a reliable target for Eli.

I think I'm going to start calling Stevie Brown "Stevie On The Spot" because he's always at the right place at the right time. He has been the big break-out star of the Giants' defense this year.

Using the term "roller coaster" for the Giants' inconsistency isn't accurate. It's more like having an unstable girlfriend. Some weeks go smoothly, and other weeks she's smashing in your car windows with an aluminum bat.

The Giants have three games left of their six game season. I think if they win two of them they should be in good shape to make it to the dance.

Week 13: Giants at Redskins

What an awful game. What a sloppy, eyesore of a game. Just like the game on Monday night, this write up is gonna be very difficult to get through without suffering from a stroke. But I will do my best.

First Quarter:
The first score of the game was a field goal by "Noodle Leg," Lawrence Tynes. No surprise there.
During the Redskins' following possession, the immortal, school boy crush of Jon Gruden, Robert Griffin III, ran for a first down. On that same run, he fumbled the ball, but as luck would have it, the ball lands right into the hands of Josh Morgan, who then takes it to the house. It looked like a scene from The Replacements.
Score: Giants 3-Redskins 7
Giant Penalties: 2

"Hey, you stole that play from us! Ya know, that play where we do zany things but still score." 

Second Quarter:
The Giants started the second quarter in the middle of a lengthy drive. Bradshaw was running well and Eli took some shots downfield to Nicks and Cruz, both were unsuccessful though. However, the first play of the second quarter was an intentional grounding penalty on Eli Manning. This led to a second and twenty on the Redskins' forty yard line. They couldn't get a first down after that so they sent in Noodle Leg. Unfortunately, he missed the forty-three yard field goal wide left. This turned out to be a big deal.
The Redskins took over after the missed field goal and they ended up punting.
This time the Giants didn't settle on a field goal. They actually got a touchdown! Eli threw a short pass to the superhero, Black Unicorn.
The 'Skins respond with a field goal kicked by "Cobra" Kai Forbath.
The Giants ended the half with a field goal by good ol' Noodle.
Score: Giants 13-Redskins 10
Giant Penalties: 4

Third Quarter:
The Giants received the ball to start the half. They ended up punting.
During the Redskins' following possession, Chase Blackburn forced a fumble which was recovered by the Giants. During the fight for the loose ball, a kicking match broke out between Linval Joseph and Kory Lichtensteiger.
After the fumble recovery, the Giants were driving downfield. Eli connected to Cruz on a forty-nine yard pass. But, as usual, the offense can't finish the job and Tynes is sent in to kick another field goal.
Score: Giants 16-Redskins 10
Giant Penalties: 1 (but it was cancelled out)

Fourth Quarter:
The 'Skins were in the middle of their drive at the start of the fourth quarter. This is when the Redskins really started to run all over the Giants. Their drive ended with a RGIII touchdown pass to Pierre Garcon.
On the ensuing kickoff, David Wilson returned the ball to the fifty yard line. But not so fast, Mr. Wilson, because there was a holding penalty that brought the Giants back to the eight yard line. This resulted in a three and out.
The Giants got another shot of regaining the lead after the 'Skins punted. It looked promising for a brief moment, but when Eli connected with Bennett to convert the first down on third and ten, it was called back because of a holding penalty. They couldn't convert on third and twenty and had to punt.
The Giants defense couldn't stop the Redskins' rushing attack at the end of the game which allowed them to run out the clock.
Final: Giants 16-Redskins 17
Giants Penalties: 2

"These penalties are a first-class ticket to nowhere!"

A lot went wrong for the Giants. Before this game, they averaged just over four penalties a game. Monday night, they were penalized nine times. Nine times? Niiiine times.

Eli was on point for most of the game. He missed some deep receivers, but it's hard to score when your team keeps on taking yards away from you.

Cruz and Bennett had solid games. Whereas Nicks played well but still looks banged up a bit. This will be the case for most of the season.

The Giants' offense kept stalling on Monday night and they had to settle on field goals. And if your team has to settle on field goals, your kicker damn well better make them all. I'm not putting the game on Tynes and I know he's made a ton of kicks, but that was a bad time to miss.

The defense could not stop the Redskins' rushing attack. It seems that the "pistol" offense of the 'Skins hurt the Giants more than the pistol in Plax's sweatpants. The Giants just couldn't stop the option running plays. They can put a lid on MVP Aaron Rodgers, but they would lose easily to Air Force or Navy.

The new Giants' defense.

The Giants tried to use the NASCAR d-line package to contain RG3, but it was more like a Hot Wheels package. Plus, on the third and one play that would seal the win for the 'Skins, I saw Justin Tuck with the pit crew on the sidelines.

RG3 didn't throw too many passes, but his passing offense was successful due to the Giants' defense being out of position because of the run.

So what have I learned?

The Giants couldn't have picked a worse game to crap themselves. They only have a one game lead in the NFC East and will probably not hold any tie breakers. They are now in the gauntlet of their schedule and they have very little wiggle room.

The penalties were an aberration. I think most of those penalties were due to the insane crowd noise caused by the Redskins' fans who are actually excited for the first time in a decade. It would be a tough game for any visiting team.

Even with how terrible the Giants played on Monday, they were still a missed field goal and a miracle play away from winning. I don't know if that says more about the Redskins or the Giants though.

Coach Shanahan, taking his team name literally.

Coach Shanahan, who should consider the name Redskins offensive, has designed a great scheme for RG3. Having said that, RG3 is a dynamic player who will most likely be the bane of my existence for the next ten to twelve years (providing he stays healthy and doesn't regress).

Jon Gruden is absolutely in love with Robert Griffin III. I'm talking Lloyd Dobler blasting Peter Gabriel outside RG3's house in love. Shakespeare couldn't find the words of admiration and obsession that Gruden was spilling on Monday night in the booth. 

This was found in Gruden's binder on the MNF bus.